Page 80 of Just Like That

‘Jackson, what have I done?’ I look at him with wide, shameful eyes. ‘All I wanted to do was protect Seth and now I’ve ruined his life.’

He gently takes my hand in a show of compassion I don’t feel I deserve.

‘You haven’t ruined his life, but you have really hurt him. He tried to convince Alison that he would speak to you and sort it out, but she told him, no matter what happened, she would always feel that judgement was there. She couldn’t face being in a situation where she would never truly be trusted or accepted.’

‘I need to speak to him.’ I get up from the bed. ‘Will you come with me?’

‘Of course.’

We go through to the living room together, where Seth is sitting on the sofa staring at the TV blankly. I sit down beside him, while Jackson takes a seat on the armchair at the other side of the room, giving us some space.

‘Seth, Jackson told me what happened with Alison,’ I say to him. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘You’re sorry she’s… gone, or you’re sorry… I’m hurt?’ Seth’s voice is thick with accusation.

I glance nervously at Jackson then focus my full attention on my brother. ‘Being honest, probably the latter, because you’re my priority, but I realise now that I haven’t been fair. And I shouldn’t have spoken to her the way I did.’

‘She was… amazing, Jess.’ He finally turns to face me, his words teeming with emotion. ‘She saw me for… who I am. And you… treated her like shit.’

‘I didn’t—’ I glance at Jackson again and he shakes his head, discouraging me, as trying to defend myself will only fuel the fire. ‘Sorry, you’re right. But Seth, I can fix this—’

‘No, you can’t. Alison has made… herself clear, and… she’s asked me to… respect her decision. You’ve done enough… damage, Jess. Just leave… things alone now. In fact, please… leave me alone. I don’t want to… be around you… right now.’

‘OK, sure, if that’s what you want.’ My eyes sting unbearably at this rejection from the most important person in my life.

Seth says nothing further and fixes his gaze back on the TV, so I get up and leave the room, wiping tears from my cheeks as I go.

Jackson follows me out of the room into the hallway, where we speak in hushed tones.

‘He’s never going to forgive me.’

‘He will.’ Jackson hands me a tissue from the box in the hallway. ‘Just give him some space for a day or so, as he’s requested.’

‘In any normal situation, that wouldn’t be a problem, but I have to feed him, wash him, help him to the toilet… I can’t just disappear for the night…’ I tail off and look at him helplessly.

‘How about I stay over so you can do just that?’ he suggests. ‘Then you can see how things are tomorrow after work?’

‘Really? You’d do that?’

‘Of course.’

‘I think it’s the only way that I can do what Seth is asking – and I owe him this.’ I dab at my face, the tears now coming thick and fast. ‘Thanks, Jackson. You have no idea how much I appreciate your support. I’ll pay you extra for this, because of the inconvenience.’

‘Do you have a spare unused toothbrush?’

‘Uh… yeah.’

‘Then there’s no inconvenience. Why don’t you go and pack a bag? I’m sure your man will be more than happy to have you to himself for the night.’

Jackson obviously intends to cheer me up with this comment, but as I head for my room, all it does is make me feel completely alone. I can’t go to Nick, because I don’t trust myself not to break down and tell him everything. The last thing I want to do is introduce him to the complexities of my life while I’m in full crisis mode – especially when he’s told me one of the things he likes about me is that I’m ‘uncomplicated’. My only option is to check into a hotel for the night, and hope that Seth will be willing to tolerate me after he’s slept on this – not that I feel I even deserve that.

Chapter 39

Having checked myself into a cheap hotel on York Place, I lie on the bed in my room for a while, staring absently at the news on the TV. I’m past the crying stage and now I’m just numb from the cumulative impact of the day’s events: my hopeless meeting with Craig, my even more hopeless call to Bree, which left me with the grim realisation that I’m stuck where I am with my career indefinitely, and then worst of all, the discovery that I’d broken my big brother’s heart. Me. Not Alison. I left her little choice and she did what anyone would surely do in that situation. How can I blame her for that?

Eventually emerging from my emptiness, I’m twitchy and anxious, my bog-standard hotel room feeling more like a prison cell. I try to settle myself but it’s fruitless, and when I reach the point where I’m pacing the room like Gwen on amphetamines, I decide it’s time for a change of scenery. Grabbing my handbag, I take the lift down to the hotel bar.

It’s smallish and kind of cosy, with modern furniture and mood lighting. I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts, and the idea of sitting in a high-backed booth by myself is almost as suffocating as being stuck in my room. So I head for the bar, and climb up onto one of the bar stools.

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