Page 79 of Just Like That

Are you coming to the park today? I miss your beautiful face. X

I smile ruefully. All I want to do right now is snuggle into him and tell him all about the wicked witch and wizard of the events world, but I can’t do that. He knows so little of my situation, and the last thing I need is to accidentally out myself while in full frustrated conversational flow. I have to get the timing right (i.e.once Seth is more independent) and manage things really sensitively, or else I’ll be mourning the loss of Nick as well as my career.

No, I can’t go to the park today. I’m too fragile and, at odds with my usual extrovert self, I need some time alone. I quickly message him back and say I’ll be there first thing tomorrow for a project meeting, then I get up and drag myself back to the office.

Chapter 38

When I get home that evening, having trudged dejectedly from the office, I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. It takes a huge amount of energy being miserable at work, especially when time seems to go at about half the normal speed. On opening the door to my flat, I’m met in the hallway by Jackson, which is no strange thing in itself, only today the wide grin I’m used to seeing is replaced with a grim, serious-looking face.

‘Can we talk somewhere privately?’ he asks me.

‘Of course.’ I usher him through the hallway and into my room, closing the door quietly behind us. ‘What’s going on? Was it the appointment? Did he get bad news? I knew I should have been there.’

‘Why don’t you sit down?’ Jackson gestures to the bed and I sink onto it, while he does the same beside me. ‘Seth did have some bad news today. Not awful, but they said they would have expected more progress with his fine motor skills and physical mobility by now.’

‘Oh, no. This is bad.’ I put my head in my hands, feeling gutted for my brother.

‘It’s not what we were hoping for, but as I said, it’s not awful. He could still make the level of recovery they were initially aiming for, but the chances of that are a bit slimmer now. They’re very happy with his speech though, which we know is coming on really well.’

‘So what happens now?’

‘Much the same. The physical therapy will continue – they’ll adjust his programme slightly – and then we’ll have to wait and see how things progress.’

‘How is he?’ I grimace. ‘He’s always so positive but this must be a blow to him.’

‘He’s disappointed obviously, but he’s taking it better than most would, I’d say. However, that’s not the only issue.’

I blanch. ‘There’s more? Please tell me it’s not something that will make his life harder. I’ve been worried about the potential for another stroke.’

‘It’s nothing to do with Seth’s health. Not in a direct sense anyway.’ Jackson looks like he’s struggling to find the right words.

‘Just tell me, Jackson.’ I rub my palms against my thighs, bracing myself. ‘Whatever it is, I can take it.’

‘OK. I’m really sorry to be the messenger here, Jess.’ He winces. ‘After Seth’s appointment he met Alison for a coffee as planned, and she called things off with him. He’s devastated.’

Frenzied anger rushes through me like lava. ‘Ibloodyknew it. Iknewshe’d break his heart. Didn’t I say? It was too weird, her striking up a relationship with Seth. It’s like she was projecting, or whatever you call it… you know, because of her dad. I mean, they say women marry their father, but that was—’

‘Jess, please.’ Jackson touches my forearm gently, which has the instant effect of winding me down. ‘It’s not what you think. Alison finished with Seth – because of you.’

‘Me?What the hell have I got to do with it? That just sounds like an excuse.’

‘It’s not an excuse. She felt intimidated by you at the wildlife park on Saturday. She picked up on your judgement of her—’

‘I wasn’t judging her.’

‘Really?’ Jackson raises an eyebrow, challenging me to rethink that statement.

‘OK, I was. But all I did was make it clear to her that Seth needs to stay focused on his recovery and not be messed around.’

‘Surely you must have known the impact your behaviour towards her would have, Jess. You’re a smart woman. So why drive her away?’

Jackson’s scrutiny makes me feel like a tiny organism under a microscope.

‘Because Seth doesn’t need any more problems in his life.’ I clock another look from him and deflate. ‘OK, I didn’t want her around and I didn’t trust her motives.’

‘Do you have any good reason for that other than the fact she’s beautiful and non-disabled and you’re wondering how she could possibly be interested in Seth as he is now?’

This question smacks me with the force of a bird hitting a window. I’m completely stunned by the answer I realise I have to give, and the connotations of it. I’ve been prejudiced. Not intentionally, nor even consciously. I thought I was being protective of Seth, and I probably was, but without realising it, I was also seeing him as someone who couldn’t possibly be loved by a woman like Alison. And what’s worse, I’ve been judging my boss for behaviour that I’ve been unknowingly exhibiting myself – only in a different way.

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