Page 47 of Just Like That

‘You’re more than welcome.’ He pats me kindly on the arm, then leaves the kitchen with the crockery.

Pausing for a moment to reflect on everything we’ve just talked about, I lean on the kitchen counter, my palms flat against the cool laminate. In a way, I feel lighter and freer, knowing that I’m doing the best job I can, and also knowing that my overprotectiveness is normal. It’s something I can work on. However, one weight in my mind has just gotten heavier, and that’s my need to get my career back on track. If I’m going to create a safety net for the future, I can’t allow Craig and his prejudices to get in the way. That means it’s time to start looking at other options on top of making the wildlife park becomes one of Scotland’s top go-to destinations.

Then I catch another unpleasant thought circling in my mind, offering me a reality check I’m not sure I want right now: should I really be getting involved with Nick when my focus needs to be on Seth and my job?

Chapter 21

I chew on my Nick-shaped dilemma the whole weekend, in between looking after (and hanging out with) Seth, supporting him with his physical therapy ‘homework’, and doing the usual household tasks. It seems like a no-brainer at first: I have important, not quite life or death, but life-altering things going on that require my full attention. Getting involved with Nick means I will not be giving them my full attention – which means I should not get involved with Nick. Plus, he’s a member of the management team I’m working with. While Lauren and Serge seem to be egging me on, and it’s not expressly forbidden in my employment contract, it’s also pretty much a no-no. My quandary is quite straightforward when laid out like that.

On the other hand, there’s the argument that the more you try to stay away from something forbidden, the more you want it. Obviously, I can try not to give in to temptation, but let’s face it, when you’ve kissed someone and you really want to kiss them again, and they want to kiss you – well, it’s going to be hard to stop. Also, Jackson made it clear that I have to see to my own needs so that I have the energy and motivation to care for Seth. It’s that argument of putting on your own lifejacket first. When I think about what that means in practice, it feels a little selfish, but I also know he’s right. How can I step up and be the rock Seth needs me to be if I’m running on empty – physically, mentally and emotionally?

So, here’s the deal: I’ll see where this thing goes with Nick, but I’ll make sure it doesn’t interfere with my work at the park, nor with my arrangements for looking after Seth. In reality, what this means is that Nick and I will be able to spend lunch breaks together and not much more – unless Jackson’s offer of doing some extra hours extends to enabling my love life. The good thing is that Seth seems to see Jackson as one of his bros, which means he’ll be more than happy to spend more time with him.

I’ll keep things light and casual with Nick, at least for now. I don’t need the lines blurring and I don’t want Nick to feel obliged to get involved with my situation; he’s clearly been burned before in a past relationship, the last thing I want is to drag him into my own emotional mess, or to lead him into a relationship I can’t fully deliver on myself. The easiest thing will be to leave Seth out of the equation altogether – though I realise keeping a secret that size may not be easy.

My heart pinches remembering what he said on our not-a-date, about animals not being able to lie to him. But this is different. It’s for his own good – or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

By the time Tuesday rolls around, my stomach is filled with butterflies, making me feel part drunk on the anticipation of seeing Nick again, and part queasy with nerves for the very same reason. It’s a bit weird having left things where they were with him on Thursday. We made no plans and didn’t even swap numbers. We just kissed (a lot) then quickly wrapped things up because I had to leave. He had no idea why I was in such a rush and thankfully he didn’t question it. I did, of course, look him up on Facebook and found a barely active account with a picture of him that looked about five years old. I then almost sent him a message through Messenger to get some chat going, but I backed off. Or wimped out, which might be a more honest way of putting it.

‘Good morning, how was your weekend?’ His wonderfully familiar gruff voice greets me as I’m getting out of my car at the wildlife park at 8:30 a.m.

‘It was good, thanks.’ I’m delighted by this unexpected welcome, my eyes flitting to the two takeaway coffees he’s holding. ‘Is that for me?’

‘No, I have a meeting with Gwen in a moment.’

‘Oh, that’s awkward.’ I feel my cheeks flush. ‘I shouldn’t have assumed, sorry.’

‘Of course it’s for you.’ He grins at me in a boyish way I haven’t seen on him before. ‘I brought a couple of sugar sachets as I remember you said you normally take your coffee with it.’

‘How thoughtful, thank you. I know it’s bad for me but I can’t quite kick the habit.’

‘We all have our weaknesses.’

Nick’s eyes linger on me, leaving me in no doubt that, at this moment in time, I’m his. This instantly reignites the animalistic feelings of desire that consumed me in this very spot five days before. My mind, replaying those charged moments on autopilot, quickly strays on to the next level fantasy.

‘Have you got time to drink it here?’ He gestures to a bench on the other side of my car, which is facing outwards across the fields and concentrated areas of woodland.

‘Uh… yeah.’ I drag my brain out of the gutter and force myself to put my lustful thoughts aside. ‘I’m not meeting the guys until nine a.m., so I’m all yours for now.’

Despite my frisky inner dialogue, this is meant as an innocent comment, but the moment our eyes lock it becomes loaded with suggestion. Unsure what to do, we smile at each other shyly then make our way to the bench.

‘What a lovely view.’ I sit down and take my coffee from Nick.

‘This is a great area generally.’ He takes a seat beside me while I stir sugar into my drink. ‘Do you know East Lothian well?’

‘Not really.’ I take a first sip and let out a satisfied sigh, which is as much about the company and the surroundings as the coffee itself. ‘I grew up in Edinburgh, but other than the odd day trip to North Berwick, I’ve not spent much time here.’

‘That’s a shame. Though it does give me the opportunity to show you a few places. I mean, if you’re interested, that is?’ He seems to realise he’s been presumptuous.

‘That would be nice.’ I automatically reassure him, while wondering when I might actually be able to do something like that.

Without being able to develop this conversation into a concrete arrangement, and with us not having spoken since our ‘brief encounter’ last week, we reach a dead end and sit in semi-uncomfortable silence for at least thirty seconds. During this time, it becomes obvious to me that we need to ‘clear the air’, so to speak.

‘About last week—’ we both suddenly say at the same time, then stop short and laugh.

‘We seem to have a knack for that. Please, you go first,’ I prompt him, keen to know where his head is at, although I already have an inkling from his actions this morning.

‘OK, I… erm…’ He clears his throat. ‘I was going to say that I hope that you don’t have any regrets about, you know… because I certainly don’t.’

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