Page 94 of One Night in Edinburgh

Jamie shifts uncomfortably on the spot. ‘Fine, I accept your apology, but please don’t do your charity-worker stuff with me. I don’t want to be your project.’

‘No, you misunderstand. I don’t mean support you in that way. I mean support you as your girlfriend – as people in relationships support each other. I want us to be together.’ I take a tentative step towards him to show that I’m serious.

Jamie looks me square in the face for the first time, and for a moment, I think maybe it’s going to be OK.

‘You’re saying you want to be with me, even now you know the truth?’

‘Yes.’ I smile at him with loving eyes.

‘You want to be with a guy who has no place to live, no job, no prospects?’

‘I want to be withyou.’

‘Do you want to know what I think?’

‘Uh-huh…’ My smile falters as I sense a change of tone.

‘I think you’re a rocket, Steph. I think you don’t know how to draw the line between work and personal. This…’ He waves his index finger back and forth between us. ‘This can’t happen. Your family wouldneveraccept me.’

‘It’s none of their business.’

‘But it is. Because as much as you see yourself as the black sheep, you’re not that different from them. You’ve never known what it is to struggle and you probably never will. To lose your dignity to the level that other people are making decisions about your life. To resist begging on the streets until the realisation hits that it could be the difference between sleeping in a bed or under a bridge.’

‘Jamie… I…’ I have no idea how to respond to this.

‘Steph.No.Think about it.’ Jamie’s tone is firm. ‘I mean,reallythink about it for a minute. What we had was incredible, but it wasn’t real. I can never be part of your world now, so let’s just say our goodbyes and leave it at that.’

I feel choked with disbelief and emotion, my eyes stinging as I try to hold back the tears that are threatening to come. ‘Jamie, please, no. We’re so—’

‘Goodbye, Steph.’

Allowing me no further opportunity to state my case, Jamie strides off into the hostel, leaving me shell-shocked and heartbroken all over again.

‘I wish I’d been there. I’d have given him a right going over for speaking to you like that.’ Anna lays my duvet over me and tucks me in mum-style.

We’ve arrived back at mine following Connor sending an SOS to Anna via the WhatsApp group and then us picking her up in a taxi. It’s like déjà vu as Anna plonks herself at the end of the sofa where my feet are, and Connor settles down on the other side, inviting me to seek refuge in his armpit once again.

‘He wasn’t the Jamie I know at all.’ I sniff and wipe away my tears, prompting Anna to hand me a fresh tissue from the box. ‘He was so cold and unfriendly.’

‘He’s a bastard who doesn’t deserve you,’ says Anna.

‘He’s embarrassed and he’s hurting,’ Connor corrects her.

‘Whose side are you on?’ She pierces him with a glare.

‘I’m not saying he’s not treated Steph badly. I’m suggesting there’s a reason why he has. You ladies seem to think we men are devoid of emotions.’

‘That’s what you let us think.’

‘Because that’s how society has set the rules.’ Connor gives her an arch look. ‘Well, guess what? We feel things just like you; but we don’t know how to deal with those feelings, because we’ve grown up being told we have to be strong and solid – and that emotions are for wimps.’

‘Connor, I’m not sure you’re helping here,’ says Anna.

‘Anna, it’s fine.’ I gently prod her thigh with my foot from underneath the duvet. ‘Connor makes a good point. In some ways, it even makes me feel a little better. I’d rather think that Jamie’s rejecting me because he can’t handle this situation, than that he hates me.’

‘That’s exactly what I mean.’ Connor gives me a gentle squeeze of a hug. ‘He doesn’t hate you. He’s just not in a place where he can have a successful relationship with you, because he feels humiliated and emasculated – whether that’s a rational response or not.’

‘It sucks though. I thought he was “the one”.’

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