Page 93 of One Night in Edinburgh

As I walk – my head full of a million disappointed thoughts – I glance across at the hostel entrance and do a double take. Standing outside, talking to another guy is Jamie. I give my head a little shake and rub at my weary eyes to make sure I’m not seeing things, but it’s definitely him. My heart starts to pound again as a second surge of adrenaline sets in.I’ve found him.

Glancing back in the direction of the bench where Connor’s just reappeared, I see him furiously gesturing to me. I signal back that I’ve clocked Jamie and I’m on it. Then, with my heart hammering in my chest, I take a deep, courage-inducing breath and walk straight towards him.

Chapter 30

Jamie doesn’t spot me at first. He chats away easily with his companion; his gorgeous smile as appealing as it always was, his sexy man curls bouncing lightly as he talks. But he’s dressed differently to how he was on our dates. He’s wearing jeans that look worn, scuffed trainers and an oversized dark grey hoodie. If I’m remembering correctly, it’s the same top he had on – and was using to hide his identity – the day I saw him on Easter Road. I feel conflicted as I take all this in: I’m jangling with excitement at the sight of the man I love, but I’m also hugely nervous about approaching him. There’s also a tugging feeling of dismay that he’s in this situation.

As I get nearer, he spots me and his expression quickly changes to one of surprise, then of appearing to have been caught out. He abruptly halts his conversation and his eyes dart around as if seeking an escape route.

‘Jamie, please don’t run,’ I call to him. ‘Please.’

His companion turns and looks me up and down. He’s dressed similarly to Jamie, and although I shouldn’t assume, I’m guessing he’s homeless as well.

‘I’ll see you later, mate,’ Jamie says to him and the guy walks off, still checking me out as if I’m up to no good.

‘Hi,’ I wince as I greet him, unable to hide the shame that’s been plaguing me since that unfortunate day.

‘Steph, what are you doing here?’

His tone is colder and more clinical than I’ve known. It’s nothing like my previous interactions with him, which totally throws me. He’s also either unwilling or unable to make eye contact with me, keeping his eyes on the ground.

‘I’m… eh…’ I stammer. ‘I’ve been looking for you… I wanted to see you.’

‘Well, here I am.’ He spreads his arms in a passive-aggressive manner. ‘You’ve seen me. Take a good look. I’d have thought once would have been enough though.’

‘What?No.It’s not like that, Jamie. I’m not here on some kind of voyeuristic outing.’

‘Then whyareyou here?’

‘Jamie, please… don’t be like that,’ I plead with him, but he remains stony.

‘Like what, Steph? What am I being like?’

‘You’re not yourself. You’re behaving as if—’

‘I’m homeless and humiliated by it? Good spot.’

‘No, I mean, you’re behaving as if… I’ve wronged you. And I suppose I have, but it wasn’t me who made a scene last weekend. It was my sister.’

‘Ah, yes…’ He assumes a sarcastic expression, his gaze still fixed on the ground. ‘Lovely Kayleigh who lives in her fantasy Instagram world and has probably never had to lift a finger – she’s a right little princess.’

‘Please don’t.’ I fiddle with the button on my jacket self-consciously. ‘You know I hate her snobbish and self-indulgent ways, but she’s still my sister.’

Jamie looks up and across the park, his mouth taut. It’s clear he’s trying to hold himself back from saying something even worse.

‘Look, I know that was awful for you. I’m having a hard time forgiving Kayleigh for that outburst, and I hate her attitude to homeless people generally…’ I wince again as Jamie momentarily looks like he might cry. ‘But, Jamie, that was her. Not me. I didn’t react that way.’

‘You hardly came to my defence.’

‘I know, and I’m sorry for that. I was in shock and I didn’t cope well in the moment.’

‘Shock, eh?’ He clenches his jaw, and a bitter look passes across his face. ‘Yeah, it was such a shock for you, finding out your ex is begging on the streets. That’swayharder to deal with than actually going through it – sitting on dog-piss-stained, cold pavements, feeling like a piece of shit while people give you a wide berth and do their best to pretend you’re invisible.That’sthe definition of hard, Steph.’

‘I know. I know.’ I wring my hands hopelessly.

This isn’t at all going the way I’d hoped. I’d thought that Jamie would be understanding and willing to listen to my apology – that we’d be able to pick up where we left off, now this hulking great secret is out in the open. I look across to the bench where Connor’s sitting. I can see him watching, but he’s too far away for me to read his expression.

‘Look, Jamie, I’m not trying to excuse my reaction.’ I try and fail to make eye contact with him. ‘I’m just trying to explain it. I’ve felt angry at myself and ashamed for not dealing with it better. If we could go back to last Saturday, I’d do things differently. I came to find you to apologise – to say how sorry I am for how I made you feel. I’m not judging you, Jamie. I want to understand and I want to support you.’

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