Page 91 of One Night in Edinburgh

‘Of course.’ I feel a twinge of hope that Connor’s on to something.

‘Also, we could check out the hostels. They’re never going to tell us if he’s staying there because of data protection, but—’

‘We could do a stakeout.’ Anna’s eyes widen with excitement at the idea of putting one of her Netflix-inspired fantasies in action.

‘Exactly that,’ says Connor.

‘Oh, my goodness, yes.’ My own enthusiasm is now rising. ‘We can map out an area to cover, and go from there. I just hope he’ll be willing to listen to me if I do eventually find him.’

Making a plan is the easy part. Executing it successfully is the challenge. The lack of progress in achieving our goal is almost soul-destroying. We spend the rest of the day and the best part of the following one pounding the pavements and hanging around outside hostels, checking in with each other via a newly formed WhatsApp group named ‘Operation Find Jamie’ – which is similar to the email address I used for my beer can appeal. I even try bargaining with the staff on the reception desks to try and get them to tell me if he’s staying there, but it’s a fruitless exercise. With every hour that passes without results, my hope of finding him diminishes.

I resume trudging to work and trudging back home. It feels like Jamie and I have broken up all over again; a gnawing emptiness that nothing and no one but he can resolve. Anna tries her best to distract me while I’m in the office, but to no avail. He’s on my mind almost every waking moment. As is my anger and frustration at myself for not giving him the benefit of the doubt when he asked me to trust him; then letting him down again in the moment he most needed my support and understanding.

As the evenings become longer following the recent change of the clocks, combined with my moping perhaps becoming unbearable, Anna decides that we should take another stab at ‘Operation Find Jamie’ on Thursday after work.

‘I did a Google search and found a couple of smaller hostels,’ she says as we walk along Great Junction Street to where we’re meeting Connor. ‘Thought we could maybe get some fish and chips for dinner while we do our stakeout.’

‘Sure. Why not.’ I sigh glumly, unconvinced that this escapade will be any more successful than the previous ones.

‘Hey, we’ll find him. I’m going to make sure of that. Have been feeling awful that I was the one who made you doubt Jamie in the first place. If I’d kept my big mouth shut, maybe things would have played out differently.’

‘It’s not your fault, Anna. You weren’t the only who wasn’t comfortable with it. Jamie chose to hide this from me, and while I understand now why he did, it gave the doubt in my own mind time to grow. I would have gotten to the same place. It might just have taken a little longer because I was in denial about the whole thing.’

‘Thanks. I appreciate you saying that.’ She links her arm through mine. ‘I have a naturally sceptical mind, and I’m learning that my instincts aren’t always right.’

‘Don’t beat yourself up about it. We all have blind spots.’

‘We sure do. Actually, I’ve been wondering… if you’d known that Jamie was homeless when you first met him – before you had all these feelings for him – do you think you would have dated him?’

I grimace. ‘I’ve been asking myself the same question, while deliberating over whether my moral compass is still intact. I’d like to say I would have – that it wouldn’t have been a deal breaker. I know you and Connor would have been fine with it, provided he was a good guy who was trying to get back on his feet. The thing that would have got in the way, I’m ashamed to admit—’

‘Would have been your family.’ Anna finishes my sentence for me as we arrive at the meeting point at the Queen Victoria Statue, beside the Newkirkgate Shopping Centre.

‘Exactly.’ I give her a slightly shameful smile. ‘They would never have been OK with that. I mean, look at how they were about Connor, and he has a job and a roof over his head. I would have found it difficult to hide Jamie’s situation… Kayleigh would have been on me like a sniffer dog. And why should I have to lie anyway – all to please them?’

‘It’s complicated, eh?’ She shoots me a sympathetic look.

‘It sure is.’

‘Everything OK here?’ Connor appears seemingly from nowhere, scrutinising my face.

‘She’s having a moment.’ Anna gives him a little nod to indicate that everything’s all right but to tread gently.

‘Aww… Stephy.’ Connor puts his arm around me and gives me a squeeze. ‘Come on, let’s get this sting under way.’

I cosy into Connor gratefully as Anna fills him in on the plan and we set off along Duke Street in the direction of Leith Links. It’s a cloudy, slightly breezy evening, but thankfully the wind is not the usual icy breeze that comes off the Forth Estuary, so it’s warm enough to sit out.

We stop at a chip shop on the way and then park ourselves on a bench in Leith Links, not far from the entrance to the first hostel on Anna’s list. In some ways, it’s quite fun sitting there chatting and laughing together. Definitely the best distraction I’ve had all week. It also helps knowing that I’m doing something to try and find Jamie again.

Once we’ve eaten and discarded our packaging in a bin nearby, Anna reviews our plan for the evening.

‘Right, how shall we play this?’ she asks. ‘As I said, I also found another place we should check out. It’s only a few blocks from here.’

‘How about you go there, and I’ll stay here with Steph,’ suggests Connor. ‘I’m not sure she should be on her own at the moment.’

‘I’mfine,’ I protest. ‘I don’t need you to babysit me.’

‘Still. Humour me, will you?’ He gives me a brotherly dig in the ribs.

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