Page 90 of One Night in Edinburgh

‘OK, I understand why you’re horrified to have had that thought, but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, Stephy. Or that you look down on Jamie, or any other person for that matter. Look at the great work you do every day, helping people in need. Thoughts are just thoughts. You had an “in the moment” reaction – a kind of fight, flight or freeze response. That’s all.’

‘You think?’

‘I do.’ Connor nods earnestly and takes a bite from his scone.

‘Steph…’ Anna re-joins the conversation, having left Connor to counsel me through that moment of self-doubt. ‘I know you’re not going to want to hear this, but… are you absolutely certain there’s nothing off about this situation? I know as well as you do that people generally end up on the streets because they’ve had a rough time of it, but – and this is completely unrelated to him being homeless – therearesome bad eggs in the world.’

‘I’m sure,’ I say automatically, and clock Anna raising an eyebrow at Connor. ‘OK, I can tell you think I’m being too impulsive on this. That all I’m going with is a gut instinct.’

‘It certainly looks that way,’ says Anna.

‘Fine. Then let me think for a minute.’

I sit quietly, sipping at my cappuccino – decaf to avoid me getting too wired – and munching my granola bar. Pushing aside all my instincts to defend Jamie’s honour, I try to weigh up the facts one at a time. Anna and Connor chat away between themselves to allow me some headspace.

‘Right, I’ve properly thought about it,’ I eventually announce.

‘And?’ Anna prompts me.

‘And I stand by what I said before. It all makes perfect sense. Other than the fact that he’s been so well turned out every time I’ve met him, and doesn’t even remotely act like someone who’s potentially been sleeping rough.’

‘He could be staying in a hostel. That would give him access to showers and stuff.’

‘That’s true, he could be.’

‘So, you’re absolutely sure about this?’ She looks me straight in the eye, perhaps to see if there’s even the slightest hint of indecision.

‘I am.’ I nod resolutely.

‘Then you need to find him.’

The moment she says this, I feel sick to my stomach.

‘I can’t, Anna. He’s not going to want to speak to me after what happened today. Especially after Kayleigh was such a snotty cow and treated him like a lowlife criminal. I’m surprised she hasn’t put something on the family WhatsApp group yet about her “real-life trauma” or some bullshit like that.’

‘Or her Instagram account.’ Connor chips in and I feel the colour drain from my face.

Snatching at my phone, I look up her page and breathe a sigh of relief. ‘She hasn’t. Thank goodness. Otherwise, I might just be going down for murder.’

‘Maybe she’s had a learning moment, too?’ Anna suggests.

I snort into my drink, sending foam flying in all directions. ‘You think Kayleigh’s capable of developing some humanity? You must also think pigs can fly.’

As I say this, my mind transports me to the bar at The Shore where Jamie and I drank his favourite beer with flying animals on the can.Serve Minus Pigs. Such a strange name, but it tasted so good. Jamie tasted so good. I felt so safe and warm in his arms, despite it being freezing outside, because he had that effect on me. My super sexy, incredibly kind and funny security blanket. I felt that, with him by my side, I could conquer anything. And strange as it might sound, I know he felt the same about being with me.

I can’t let that slip away. What if I never find it with anyone again? And my feelings aside, I want to help him get out of the awful situation he’s in.

‘You need to find him,’ Anna repeats, reading my face.

‘I do.’ I instinctively get to my feet and start to pull on my jacket.

‘I didn’t mean right this second.’

‘Yeah, Stephy, you need to think how to go about this,’ says Connor. ‘Let’s sort a plan together.’

‘You’re right.’ I sink back into my seat. ‘I haven’t a clue where to look. It’s taking me back to the exact same position I was in when I did the beer-can thing. Actually worse. Needle and a billion haystacks.’

‘Not necessarily.’ Connor holds up a calming hand. ‘He’ll probably avoid anywhere you might easily find him, but he possibly won’t go that much further from his regular haunts. Especially if he’s staying in a hostel. Buses cost money, remember?’

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