Page 77 of One Night in Edinburgh

Minutes later, I join the Water of Leith pathway at Coburg Street. With it now being well into spring, the ducks are trailed by clusters of adorable cheeping ducklings, while the pair of swans in the vicinity are gliding protectively around their curious cygnets, hissing ominously at the passers-by when they come that bit too close to the water’s edge. I wander up the path a bit in the opposite direction to The Shore, and take a seat on a bench overlooking the slow-moving river, which hasn’t seen much rain in recent weeks. The combination of the aquatic noises and the feel of fresh cool air in my lungs immediately calms me, allowing me to think a bit more clearly.

I need to pull myself together. Bursting into tears on the phone to a donor is not like me. Yes, I fell for Jamie – big style – but he has let me down and I have to get over it. It’s that simple. How can I be in love with someone I don’t really know?

I ponder this for a while, trying to make sense of it all and trying to convince myself that what I’m feeling isn’t genuine heartbreak, but it’s a fruitless exercise. No matter which way I spin it, I know it’s the real thing – that I’m completely in love with Jamie. And part of the reason I know that, is because it’s so different to what I had with Connor in the latter years of our relationship. What I feel for Jamie doesn’t come from a place of seeking comfort, fondness and belonging, nor is it an inane infatuation. It’s an intense feeling of vulnerability and longing that I can’t describe properly. It feels like a part of me is missing. It’s a kind of sick feeling because it makes me feel so exposed, but at the same time it feels as though nothing has ever been right in my life before it. IneedJamie in my life. He’s the one, I know it.

Suddenly, I’m filled with determination. I have to speak to him, I have to make this right. Whatever’s going on with him, I can trust that he’ll tell me when the time is right. He’s a good person; all my instincts are screaming this at me. And I know Anna would put this down to my naivety – I have been naive in many respects – but ultimately, I think she’s wrong about Jamie’s motives. No.Iknowshe’s wrong. I made a bad judgement letting Jamie go and now I need to fix it.

Pulling my phone out of my bag, I look him up in my contacts. A text is not enough. I can’t deal with an agonising wait for a response. I hit the call button and put my phone to my ear, my heart hammering in my chest, my whole body jittering with nerves. Then a recorded voice comes through the receiver.

‘It has not been possible to connect your call. Please try again later.’

Confused, I disconnect and double check that I’ve dialled the right person. It’s Jamie’s number all right. I try again, but get the same message. Then again. And again.

‘What the hell?’ I glare at my phone accusingly.

On the fifth try, I feel myself starting to panic. Whenever I’ve phoned Jamie in the past, it has always rung, and if he didn’t answer, it would go to voicemail. This sounds like his phone is either temporarily switched off, or he’s ditched it.

My gut tells me it’s the latter and before I know what’s happening, I let out an almighty sob and put my head in my hands as the enormity of the situation washes over me. He’s moved on already. If he’s ditched his phone or changed the SIM card, that means that we’re over – for good. And worse, he doesn’t want me to contact him.

As I lose myself in my heartbreak, my phone buzzes on my lap. Looking down hopefully through my tears, I see that it’s Anna. For a moment, I consider letting it ring out, but then realise that’s not a good idea. I’m on work time and she might need something from me.

‘Hi, Anna.’ I’m aware that I sound weak and pathetic as I greet her, so there’s little chance I’m going to be able to cover this up.

‘Steph? Where are you?’ She doesn’t appear to register my tone. ‘I’m back at the office. Lizzie wants us to starting shifting the items for the auction across to the venue.’

‘OK, sure. I’ll be back… um… shortly. I’m out for a walk.’

‘Hey, what’s up, hon?’ Her voice fills with concern.

‘Nothing. I… um… I tried to call Jamie.’

‘Aww no. What did he do? I’ll rip his balls off if he was even slightly off with you.’

‘No… no. It’s nothing like that, I couldn’t get through to his phone. I don’t know what’s going on. Think he might have changed his number or something.’

There’s a short silence, then, ‘Where are you, Steph? I’m coming to get you.’

I give her my location, then cut the call and resume my pathetic sobbing as I wait for her to come and rescue me from my misery.

‘How you doing now?’ Anna joins me by the table plan in the function room we’re using for the fundraiser.

‘I’m OK.’ I put down the printed catering schedule on which I’m triple-checking everyone’s dietary requirements, and turn to her. ‘Thanks for earlier. I’m not sure I would have made it back to work if you hadn’t come to get me.’

She reaches out and tucks some flyaway hair behind my ear. ‘Of course, you would. Your integrity and your need to help others is far more powerful than any heartbreak, hon.’

‘I guess you’re right.’

‘Lizzie’s said we can call it a day. How do you fancy grabbing a drink in the bar before heading back? We could chat a bit more?’

‘That would be great.’ I smile at Anna appreciatively. ‘But only a soft drink for me. Don’t think I can trust myself with alcohol right now. I’ll end up a blubbering mess again.’

We say our goodbyes to Lizzie and the hotel staff, and wander along the corridor from the huge function room situated in a modern annex back to the reception and then follow the signs for the bar.

The main hotel building is an enormous eighteenth-century edifice that’s like a warren inside, with lots of hidden corridors and cubby holes. It looks like it used to be a castle or a mansion that was owned by a seriously wealthy family. The kind that would have had servants and a groundskeeper. On reaching the bar, I’m pleased to note that it has an outdoor seating area. I had almost suggested a walk through the hotel grounds instead of a drink, so this will give the best of both worlds.

‘Can we sit outside?’ I ask Anna. ‘I know it’s not that warm, but I could do with some fresh air.’

‘Absolutely. I was thinking the same thing myself. Air con in a function room just isn’t the same as the great outdoors, is it?’ She eyes the rolling expanse of grass and the perfectly manicured bushes and plants, framed by majestic trees that must be decades, if not centuries old.

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