Page 72 of One Night in Edinburgh

‘I… um…’ Jamie falters, rubbing his forehead in what looks like a sign of unease. ‘What about next Saturday night? Maybe get a takeaway at yours?’

As he says this, it’s like something shatters in my mind. The tolerance that’s been holding me back from making a big fuss becomes as fragile as a pane of glass. He’s suggested another weekend date, which means another week of frustration, another week of wondering whether to call him or not, another week of Anna picking my relationship apart. I can’t do it. It’s all too one-sided. Jamie needs to open up, because this isn’t working – and it’s unfair to me.

‘Jamie, what’s going on?’ I demand, a bit more aggressively than I’d intended.

‘Sorry, what?’ He seems caught off-guard by my sudden change of tone.

I look him straight in the eye. ‘Why do I only get to see you on weekends? And why don’t I know anything about your life, other than historical stuff? You’re so closed and secretive. You talk of this “temporary” situation you’re in. How temporary is it? On the one hand, you seem to let me in, but on the other, I’m like a stranger you keep at arm’s length. It’s messing with my head, Jamie. I don’t know where I’m at with you.’

I stop talking and stare out across the water: the sole thought in my mind being that I don’t want this unpleasant memory to take over from the good ones I’ve associated with this view for so long. Please let there be a simple explanation. Please let him share it with me right now so we can go back to happy. I so badly want this to work out.

Unfortunately, my instincts tell me that today I’m not going to get my wish. Jamie’s clearly torn and distraught. It almost breaks me as I turn and look into those gorgeous eyes, knowing that he’s not going to give me the answers I so desperately need. We’ve reached deal-breaker territory.

‘Steph, I’m so sorry,’ He looks away, unable to hold eye contact. ‘I… can’t share my situation with you. I just… can’t. And I honestly can’t give you a solid date for when things will change either.’

‘What could be so awful that you can’t tell me what’s going on?’ I feel my eyes start to sting.

I want shake him and tell him that relationships don’t work like this. I want to keep pushing until he gives in and tells me what’s going on. I want to get down on my knees and beg. But I do none of those things. Instead, I plead at him through glistening eyes not to ruin this.

‘It’s… complicated.’ Jamie now looks as though he’s ready to cry as well and I want to reach out and hug him, but I resist this urge. ‘Do you trust me, Steph?’

I realise I don’t know how to answer this question. I thought I did. I really want to.

‘I don’t know, Jamie.’ I sigh heavily. ‘How can I when you’re clearly hiding something? You hear of stories like this all the time. People being duped by someone they fell for and trusted implicitly. I don’t want to become one of those stories. Anna’s been on my case—’

‘Bloody, Anna.’ Jamie looks pissed off.

‘Hey, she’s my good friend. Don’t be like that about her.’

‘Sorry. She’s got in your head is all.’

‘Jamie, this is not Anna’s fault.’ I dig the toe of my shoe in the sand frustratedly. ‘Even without her and her conspiracy theories, I’d still have gotten to this place, though it might have taken a bit longer.’

‘I know. I’m out of order. Forget I said anything.’ Jamie this time looks me straight in the eye and I can almost feel his pain. ‘I want to ask you to trust me, Steph, but I know that’s asking too much. You deserve better. I was crazy thinking that we could go on indefinitely like this.’

As we continue this exchange, I can feel my heart breaking into tiny pieces, and I realise that despite all the gaps in my knowledge of Jamie, I’ve fallen hopelessly in love. Losing him all over again is going to be unbearable, but the alternative is worse. I can’t continue with a man whom I don’t really know and who won’t share his full life with me. I’m learning that the bond of trust which existed between me and Connor all those years is not something to take for granted. It was rare.

‘So what now?’ I wipe away the fat tears that have finally spilled over, already knowing the answer, but unsure what else to say.

Jamie’s demeanour has changed to one of resignation and sadness. He shrugs and nods as if coming to an agreement with himself.

‘Let’s take these things back to the car. You can drop me at the station.’

Chapter 23

Two hours later, I’m back at my apartment, bundled up under my duvet on the sofa with Connor on one side and Anna on the other. Tears relentlessly track their way down my cheeks as I stare absently through the window of the Juliet balcony door.

‘I’m so sorry this is how things turned out,’ says Connor. ‘I had my concerns as you know, but I had hoped there was a simple explanation for it all.’

‘Me too.’ Anna hands me yet another tissue, which I take from her without even glancing in her direction. ‘Though it’s better you know he’s not the guy you thought he was – sooner rather than later.’

‘I suppose.’ I blow my nose noisily and turn to her. ‘But that’s the thing, I still don’t know that he’s not. All I know is that he’s hiding something and he can’t… he won’t share it.’

‘And that in itself is strange. Steph, he played the trust card to guilt you into backing off.’

‘Anna, I’m not sure that’s—’

‘OK, put it this way.’ Anna cuts me off. ‘If whatever’s going on in his life isn’t something dodgy or questionable, why can’t he tell you what it is?’

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