Page 6 of One Night in Edinburgh

‘Because it felt wrong.’ He hangs his head. ‘I’d made my decision. It would have felt like I was deceiving you. And also, perhaps it’s only symbolic, but I thought it best for us to see in the new year in the way that we’d live it.’

‘Which means you’re off to spend Hogmanay with this Rob, and I’m going to spend it alone.’ I let out a disgusting, snorty sob. ‘That bodes well for the year ahead, doesn’t it?’

‘Please don’t talk like that, Steph. I know you’re hurting, but I’m certain that once you’ve had time to think about this, you’ll see that this is the right thing for both of us. I’ve never fitted in with your family, and we’ve been lukewarm in a romantic sense for so long. You deserve someone who’s going to set you alight – not literally, obviously.’

‘Good to know.’ I give him a teary smile. ‘Because I’m not sure our friendship has much future if you’re secretly hoping someone’s going to off me.’

Connor makes athat’s-really-not-what-I-meantface, and a kind of manic urge to laugh overwhelms me. Unable to compose myself, a shock-induced hysteria consumes every part of my body, and I end up laughing uncontrollably until I’m doubled over in pain; a concerned-looking Connor standing over me helplessly.

‘Go, Connor.’ I wave him away. ‘Go get your man.’ A fresh wave of hysteria overcomes me as I say this.

‘Are you sure? I don’t think I should leave you like this.’

‘Like what? I’m laughing, aren’t I?’

‘In a weird, freaky kind of way, yes. Maybe I should stay the night after all? I can sleep in the…’ He trails off as he takes in the stockroom that was our second bedroom.

‘Seriously,go.’ I straighten up and open the door. ‘We can talk again soon. I’ll be fine.’

‘You’re positive?’

‘Completely. I’ll sort myself out, and then go join Anna and the others at the street party.’

I actually don’t know if I’ll be fine. My strange behaviour certainly doesn’t suggest so, but right now I just need Connor to leave and for this unbearable interaction to end.

‘OK, then.’ He looks relieved to hear this as he picks up his stuff and walks through the open door. ‘I’ll be in touch.’

‘Bye, Connor. Happy New Year to you when it comes.’

‘And to you.’ He smiles gingerly and somewhat sadly, then disappears down the hallway to the lift.

Closing the door behind him, I turn and lean against it, trying desperately to control the tsunami of emotions that are engulfing me. But it’s all too much. Everything I’ve known since I was a teenager has gone up in smoke. Connor and I were meant to be for ever: that’s what we promised each other. I have no idea how to be on my own; how to date; how to be with other men. The idea of it all scares the living daylights out of me.

Defeated and devastated, I slide down the back of the door till my backside hits the floor, and I lose myself in huge, heartbroken sobs.

Chapter 3

A few hours later, I take the bus into town in a state of numbness and battle my way through the lively Hogmanay crowds towards the street party entrance on Hanover Street – which is where I’ve arranged to meet Anna and her friends. Though the temperature has plummeted further, it’s still dry and clear. I can feel the frosty nip of the air on my face, but I’ve got so many layers on, the rest of me is nice and toasty.

As I walk, my mind automatically turns things over: how did I never so much as suspect that Connor was gay; who’s going to get the apartment; can I afford the rent by myself if he offers it to me? It’s a string of questions that feel so utterly surreal. However, having sobbed my heart out and nearly thrown up in the sink, I’ve landed in a surprisingly calm place, which I assume is the slightly delayed numbing impact of shock. My mind, clearly unable to deal with the emotional side of things, is focusing on the facts and the practicalities instead.

‘Steph, over here,’ a voice calls out, and I spot Anna on the other side of the road.

‘Hi.’ I wave at her, then cross the road easily due to the city centre traffic having been temporarily diverted for the event. ‘You’re on your own?’

Anna reaches me, and instead of answering my question, pulls me into a big bear hug, which causes me to well up all over again – more from her sympathetic embrace than anything else.

‘How you doing?’ Her concerned eyes search mine. ‘Was worried about you when you called earlier. I said to the others we’d catch up with them later. Thought we could have some time to ourselves first.’

While Anna allowing me the quiet and private opportunity to get things off my chest is a thoughtful gesture, I’m not sure it’s what I need. But I don’t want to seem ungrateful, and Anna’s naturally going to be concerned about me, so it’s best I play along.

‘I’m all right, I think.’ I take a tissue from my jacket pocket and dab at my damp, undoubtedly red-rimmed and still puffy eyes, trying not to smudge my eye makeup in the process. ‘It has knocked me on my arse though. I wasn’t expecting it at all.’

‘I’ll say.’ Anna hugs me again and slips her arm through mine as we continue to wander towards the street party entrance. ‘So, he’s really gay?’

‘Seems so. Didn’t pick up on that at all. I feelsostupid.’

‘You have nothing to feel stupid about, Steph. A friend of my parents was married for nearly thirty years before she announced she was leaving her husband for a woman. She’d hid it all that time, and obviously felt she had to – which was a real shame for her. But it was like a bomb going off for the husband.’

---