Page 59 of One Night in Edinburgh

Anna even has me starting to wonder why I don’t know these things about him, until I realise, the only reason he didn’t answer my question about his surname on our date was because I got all distracted over Kayleigh’s behaviour. And anyway, Jamie’s and my conversations haven’t really been like that. They’re almost as though we’ve skipped a stage because we get on so well. Yesterday we were connecting at a deeper level – properly getting to know each other. That’s so much more important than knowing what someone does for a living.

What’s worse is when I challenged Anna on her proclamations that Jamie is ‘either married with kids, living a double life or on the sex offender’s register’, Connor, who was part of the conversation on speakerphone, joined in and backed her up. Not to the extent that he entertained her ridiculous conspiracy theories, but he did say it sounded like Jamie was withholding information about his current circumstances. When Connor suggested I find out what’s going on before taking things any further with Jamie, I decided I’d had enough and called time on the conversation.

On arriving at the restaurant in the New Town where we’re having my dad’s birthday lunch, I’ve decided that Anna and Connor aren’t just wrong: they’re so far off the mark, they’re pissing on their own shoes (as my brother would so eloquently say). I’m also late for the lunch, which means I’m going to get it in the neck –again.

Pushing open the door to Malkin’s, one of Edinburgh’s handful of Michelin-star restaurants, I’m immediately greeted by a smiling man around my age, wearing a smart suit.

‘Good afternoon, madam. Are you with the Ashworth party?’

‘Yes, that’s correct.’ I smile back at him.

‘Excellent. May I take your coat for you?’

‘Oh, sure.’ I slip it off and hand it to him.

‘Thank you. Maria will see you to your table.’ He gestures to a young woman who has materialised by his side. ‘Have a wonderful afternoon.’

I trail through the fully occupied restaurant behind Maria to a table where the rest of my family are already seated. They glance up as I join them, and I’m sure I spot a look being exchanged between my mum and Kayleigh.

‘Nice of you to join us.’ Kayleigh wastes no time in taking a swipe at me.

‘I’m only…’ I glance at my phone to check the time ‘…oops… twenty minutes late. How did that happen?’

I know exactly how that happened: Anna and her nonsense about Jamie.

‘Sorry, Dad.’ I give him an apologetic hug.

‘We all make mistakes.’ My dad pats me on the back lightly. ‘I’m glad you’re here.’

Taking my seat beside Mikey, I smile gingerly at him and he gives me a ‘shit happens’ shrug. I then concentrate on the menu to avoid the death stares being fired at me by my mum and sister. A waiter appears at my left shoulder and pours Champagne in my empty flute, which I have to admit is very welcome indeed. I’m going to need a lot more of that if I’m going to make it through this afternoon without lamping my sister one for being such a suck and a shit-stirrer. My mum has a right to feel put out. She made all the arrangements for today and I turned up late, but Kayleigh’s just point scoring. It’s her favourite sport.

We make it through our amuse-bouches and our starters uneventfully. Dad enjoys reminiscing about other birthdays and family occasions over the years, which keeps Kayleigh and Mum’s gossiping to a minimum. Mikey shares some entertaining work-related stories, which always give us a laugh. Had he not ended up with a career in Sales, he would have done very well as a stand-up comedian.

The food is also superb. Having ordered a starter of Orkney scallop with Iberico ham confetti and sugar snap pea foam, and a main course of Highland wagyu beef served with pommes dauphine and a spiced whisky jus, I’m in culinary heaven. Accompanied by the top-notch Australian Shiraz my dad has chosen, it takes me to a happy place I’m not sure I’ve experienced in the company of my own family for a very long time. Probably not since I was too young to understand what a bunch of pretentious, judgemental snobs they are – Mikey excluded, of course.

Obviously, I still love them – they are my family after all and the only one I have – but ‘love’ doesn’t translate to ‘like’ a lot of the time. Especially not with Kayleigh, who has obviously decided she’s not getting enough airtime at this event.

‘So, Steph…’ She shoots me a devilish sneer over her pan-seared halibut with parsnip puree. ‘How’s the lovely Jamie?’

I throw her a withering look by way of a response.

‘Oh,come on. Tell us a bit about him.’

‘Yeah, Steph, tell us. Is he a hottie?’ Mikey puts on a girly tone as a way of mocking Kayleigh and I snort into my napkin to avoid guffawing loudly.

‘Shut. Up. Mikey.’ Kayleigh’s tone is acid.

‘Will you all stop it.’ My mum looks around anxiously to check no one’s noticed our table descending into battle of the brats. ‘Honestly, you’re adults, but you don’t seem to know how to behave in a sophisticated environment. I thought I brought you up better than this.’

‘Not me. I’m Wetherspoons’ Curry Club through and through,’ quips Mikey, and I share a high five with him to the disgust of both my mum and sister.

‘Well, today, Michael, can I ask you to spruce up your manners a bit for the sake of your father and I?’ My mum eyes him disapprovingly, shaking her head, and Mikey seems to instantly regress twenty-odd years.

‘Sorry, Mum and Dad.’

I mouth the word ‘traitor’ across at him and he gives me a what-was-I-suppose-to-do look.

‘Steph, I’d very much like to hear about this new young man of yours,’ says my dad.

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