Page 5 of One Night in Edinburgh

‘Yes—’ His face is now etched with something resembling guilt and terror – probably in fear of my response.

‘But why? We’re good. We’ve… always been good, you and me.’ The sick feeling in my stomach is joined by a disorientating swirling in my head. ‘Haven’t we?’

‘Yeah, we’ve always been good, Steph, but that’s the thing… is “good” really enough? We don’t even have anything to compare “good” to.’

‘What does that even mean, Connor? I just said “good”. I probably meant “great”. We’re great. And what’s with needing a comparison all of a sudden?’

Connor takes a deep breath, a clear attempt to summon some courage, while his eyes go to the floor. ‘We’re not “great”, Steph. Far from it. We live like a middle-aged couple who have been married for twenty years.’

‘What? No, we don’t.’ I stare at him in disbelief, my eyes stinging in the face of what’s being thrown at me. ‘But we have been together a long time. We’re past the jumping into bed at every opportunity stage, but we’ve got something solid.’

‘What if I don’t want “good” and “solid”?’

This statement winds me like a punch to the gut. ‘What do you mean, Connor? Is it that you don’t wantmeany more?’

His eyes lift and reluctantly meet mine, and I almost can’t bear to face the pity that’s so evidently there.

‘I don’t want to put it like that, Steph. It’s not what you deserve, but yeah, I want something else.’

Realisation floods through me as it dawns on me exactly what’s going on here. ‘You’ve met someone else. Who is she?’

‘Let’s not do this, Steph. This is about you and me. Things have just run their course.’

‘That’s not it. You forget I know you, Connor, almost better than you know yourself. What’s really going on?’

‘Steph, please…’ Connor’s face is contorted with all the unbearable feelings that inevitably go with a charged situation like this.

‘No, Connor. That’s not good enough. I know you’re not the world’s greatest talker when it comes to the serious stuff, but it’s time to suck it up and give it to me straight. I deserve that at least after all this time.’

‘You’re right… OK, so the thing is… shit, Steph, I’m so sorry… his name is Rob.’

‘A guy?’ I blanch as the full weight of his words washes over me.

This isn’t something I could coax him back from. That might work if it was a fling with another woman, because the hot and steamy bit would only last so long. But him being gay? That’s not negotiable in any way.

‘I’m sorry, Steph. I can’t pretend any more.’

‘But… are you sure? This seems to have come out of nowhere. How long have you… known?’

Connor rubs the back of his neck, his deep discomfort at having this conversation painfully obvious. ‘I’ve been confused for a long time. Convinced myself it was just admiration of other blokes, but when Rob joined my work, it was like I finally woke up to it all. I’m sure: one hundred per cent.’

‘Wait… you’ve talked about Rob to me. He joined months ago. Have you—’

‘I’ve done nothing behind your back, Steph. I have too much respect for you for that. But Rob has told me he has feelings for me as well, and I know I can’t hold off with him any longer.’

A huge lump of emotion forms in my throat, tears pricking at my eyes, as I process all this. I want to be angry at him. I want to kick him in the balls for hiding this, and wasting my time – for all these years. But I can’t. He’s being honest about who he is, and it must have taken real courage to admit that to himself, never mind to me. Whichever way I look at it, Connor’s been my best friend as well as my partner, and I can’t bear that to end too.

‘Connor, I don’t know what to say other than I don’t want this.’ Big fat tears spill down my cheeks and I stand there hopelessly – all too aware that the one person who normally comforts me, is the one who’s breaking my heart. ‘But I know that’s pointless. All that’s going through my mind is… why right now? It’s Hogmanay. We had a lovely night planned. You wanted it to be just you and me…’

He steps forward, his instinct to protect me as strong as mine is in wanting him to make everything OK. Then he obviously thinks better of it, and just hangs there, like my mirror image.

‘I know.’ He gives a long, anguished sigh. ‘I wanted us to have one last amazing night out together: a memory we could hopefully look back on in years to come and laugh about. Because, Steph… I can’t bear the thought of losing you from my life altogether.’

‘At least we’re together on that.’ I laugh weakly, wiping the relentless stream of tears from my cheeks.

‘No question. We’re still soulmates… just not in the way we thought.’

I take a shaky breath and scrutinise Connor’s face. ‘So, why didn’t you let us have that one last amazing memory then?’

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