Page 19 of One Night in Edinburgh

‘Maybe that was your mistake, building it up like that. Maybe you had unrealistic expectations? You remember our first time together? That wasn’t exactly smooth going either.’

‘That was different.’

‘In what way?’

‘I was so nervous, I almost couldn’t do it.’ He chuckles weakly at the memory.

‘And this time?’

‘It didn’t even get that far. He was… the way he… I just didn’t feelanything.’

‘Right…’

‘And all I could think of was you.’

‘Oh.’ I take a contemplative sip of my coffee. ‘So, are you saying… that you want to get back together?’

A pained look flashes across Connor’s face. ‘Uh… Steph, that’s not what I’m saying. I meant that all I could think of was how much I’d hurt you. While I regret how I left yesterday, and treating you so badly after such a long time together, I’mdefinitelygay.’

‘Oh, thank goodness for that,’ I bluster, before I even realise what I’ve said.

Connor’s face is a picture. ‘You’re relieved?’

‘Bugger, that came out wrong.’ I cringe, trying to hide behind my mug. ‘Sorry, Connor. Now I’m the one making an arse of things. Yesterday when you left, I was heartbroken. Devastated, even. And then I wasn’t. I thought I was numb from the shock, but I’ve realised overnight that things hadn’t been quite right for some time.’

I intentionally leave out that it was Jamie who helped me to reach this conclusion.

‘We’d become a habit, you and me,’ I continue. ‘A comfortable one. But not necessarily a habit that was going to make for a great life together as a couple in a romantic sense. You’ve done the right thing, and in the process, you’ve set me free as well.’

‘Right.’ Connor’s face lightens at this, and then turns serious again. ‘I couldn’t bear the thought that I’d broken you, Steph. I might not be in love with you in the way that I thought, but I do love you more than anyone I know. If that makes any sense?’

‘It makes perfect sense.’ I put a reassuring hand on his forearm. ‘I feel exactly the same.’

‘So, we’re good? We can stay friends?’

‘Not friends, Connor. Besties.’

His face finally breaks into a genuine and relieved smile, and we share a heartfelt hug that’s brimming with all the best of us as a twosome: unconditional (platonic, I now realise) love, loyalty and trust. As we half-squeeze each other to death, I’m overwhelmed by a wave of emotion, my eyes wet with tears that are a mix of happiness, relief, and a touch of melancholy – because even though I know it’s the right thing, we’re breaking up and things will be different between us. It’s still a loss of sorts and a change that I’ll need to get used to, but it’s the best possible ending we could have to our romantic relationship. Had it gone any other way, it could have involved hurt, resentment and a broken bond of trust that could never be repaired.

‘Thanks for being so understanding, Steph.’ Connor pulls away from me and I see his eyes are red and glistening.

I shrug easily, reaching across to wipe a tear from his cheek as it spills over. ‘What can I say? There’s something about realising that I won’t ever be able to satisfy your needs that really takes the edge off. If it had been another woman, I can’t guarantee the claws wouldn’t have come out – regardless of whether I realised it was the right thing or not.’

‘That would have been understandable.’ He takes my hand in his. ‘No one wants to feel they’re not good enough. Can’t imagine you with claws though. You’re more fluffy-baby bunny than General Woundwort fromWatership Down.’

‘True. But I like to think I can kick some backside if I need to.’

‘Is that not what Anna’s for?’

‘Yes. She has many talents: ninja flirter, minder of vulnerable broken-hearted ladies, spin doctor…’ I think back to her antics the evening before and the great outcome they produced, and grin involuntarily.

‘What’s that look for?’ Connor eyes me suspiciously.

‘What look?’ I immediately neutralise my expression.

‘You’re basking in a nice memory. You think I can’t tell? I know all your facial expressions, Steph Ashworth.’

Shi-i-i-t. He’s totally busted me. I can’t share this though – can I? Problem is, I’m also completely incapable of lying.

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