Page 21 of Take a Moment

‘Not at all, Alex. But it is important that we don’t push you beyond what you can cope with, and we must have that conversation about your wellbeing – not least because the company is strict about absence levels. I need to make sure we’ve done everything we can to ensure future absences are minimised, otherwise we’ll have another problem on our hands.’

I feel a sharp sting as these words sink in. Not only does she no longer trust me to lead a business-critical project, she’s hanging formal absence management procedures over my head. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been a consistently strong performer – that label I worked so hard to earn for myself has been replaced by a bloody great flashing badge that declares ‘problem employee’. The loyalty I’ve shown Laura, shown the organisation, counts for nothing. Suddenly my feeling of vulnerability grows hugely as the realisation hits me: I’m no longer in control of my own professional destiny.

‘Right.’ I can no longer look at Laura. I’m so disappointed to find her following this predictable managerial path, without even attempting to fight for me. ‘Well, I’ll get back to my desk. Sorry… Alan’s desk.’

‘Alex, please don’t be like this.’

Laura tries to make eye contact, but I continue to avoid her gaze. Then as we get up to head back to our floor, I’m unable keep my frustration at bay.

‘You know, Laura. I might have been diagnosed with a horrible illness. But I don’t feel like I’m the one that’s changed.’

‘Hi, kitten,’ Dom hollers as he enters our apartment, slamming the door behind him.

‘Hi,’ I respond with the enthusiasm of a caged rhinoceros.

I’m lying on our bed with my eyes closed, having not moved since arriving home and discarding my coat, bag and shoes on the floor beside me, two hours earlier. Unable to sleep, but too exhausted to get up and do anything, I’ve spent most of that time staring at the ceiling, replaying the events of the day.

Dom pushes open the half-closed bedroom door and surveys me and the pile by my bedside. ‘Tough first day back?’

I reluctantly open my eyes and look at him. ‘That’s an understatement.’

‘Sorry to hear that.’ He gives me a sympathetic smile and a kiss on the lips, then moves round to his side of the bed, where he changes out of his suit. ‘It was always going to be tough going back.’

‘I didn’t realise how tough.’ I rub at my tired eyes. ‘Like that I was going to be robbed of my work. Did you get my text?’

‘Yeah, I did, sorry. Barely had a chance to read it. You said something about Laura treating you like you’re incapable, and Alan’s stolen your project?’

‘That pretty much sums it up. Oh, and about three hundred people either asked me how I’m “keeping” or walked straight past, pretending not to see to me. People I know well, who’d normally crack a bit of banter with me. It’s clearly gotten round the office about my MS. Even Sasha was doing my head in at lunchtime, wittering on about vitamin supplements and telling me to pace myself.’

‘That’s rough, kitten.’ Dom joins me on the bed, stretching himself out, putting his arms behind his head. ‘But with your role, it’s doesn’t sound totally unreasonable to suggest you take it easy for a while. You are still recovering and if it were any of my team members, I’d do the same.’

A switch suddenly flicks in my consciousness, irritation bubbling inside me. Here we go again. Why, when I just need a bit of moral support, does Dom have to put his manager hat on? He already treats me like an invalid. Why can’t he be my fiancé first?

‘And I suppose you’d threaten your newly returned team member with formal absence management as well?’ I demand.

‘Whoa.’ Dom turns his head towards me. ‘Where did that come from? I’m just saying that supporting you is a good thing. If they’d chucked you back into the shit straight away,thatwould have been unfair, irresponsible – and a risk to your wellbeing.’

My irritation develops into full-blown exasperation. ‘There’s thatbloodyword again. Everything’s about mywellbeingnow. It has never been used in my presence before all this, and now it’s haunting me like the sodding ghosts from that Christmas film. I am the ghost of workplace future. Your career will spontaneously combust at the chime of midnight, unless you look after your wellbeing and never go off sick again…’

‘Lex, what’s gotten into you?’

‘What’s gotten into me is that this is all bullshit. I haven’t changed, Dom. I’m still the same person, but for some reason I’m being treated like some kind of lesser being.’

‘Hey, come on. That’s not true.’ He tries to stroke my hair, but I flick his hand away.

‘Really?Were you there?’ I eyeball him accusingly. ‘Because I’m pretty sure you have no idea. You waltz through life without a care in the world, with your perfect health and your perfect job. You have no idea what this is like. Being constantly poked and prodded, the gruelling physio, the disease-modifying drugs, then on top of all that, people treating me like I’m incapable.’

I pull myself up from the bed, my whole body screaming at me in protest.

‘Is that what you think?’ Dom sits up as well, hurt and resentment clouding his face, his voice rising. ‘You think all this is a stroll in the park for me? I may not be experiencing the physical side of this, Lex, but it’s sure as hell not easy for me either.’

‘Oh,come on. There’s no comparison. Try being me for a day, then you’ll realise how easy you’ve got it.’

Dom looks at me in disbelief. ‘Are youkidding? I’ve been doing the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry… I’ve had to take on all the wedding-related stuff.’

‘Don’t give me that. You and my mother took over the wedding planning without even consulting me.’

‘And you could have handled it, could you?’ Dom locks eyes with me, his temper hot like lava. ‘You couldn’t do anything for yourself for weeks. I’ve been waiting on you hand and foot ever since—’

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