Page 20 of Take a Moment

‘Because of symptoms related to your condition.’ Laura cocks her head in an attempt to make me understand this. ‘Alex, I have alegalobligation under the Equality Act to look at reasonable adjustments to your role that will make it easier for you to attend work regularly.’

The air raid siren is joined by mini explosions in my brain as Laura drops these bombs on me. Equality Act? Reasonable adjustments so I can attend work regularly? This all sounds so alien to me. Between the endless blazing arguments with Dom at home, my mum, sister and even Sasha mollycoddling me, and now this, I’m starting to wonder if I’m stuck in one long nightmare.

‘Sorry, Laura. I need a moment to process this.’ I rest my elbows on the table and massage my temples. ‘I wasn’t expecting this kind of conversation this morning.’

‘Take your time,’ Laura encourages me, and sits back to give me space.

After about twenty seconds of silence, which includes an inner pep talk to keep myself calm, I mirror her position.

‘OK, let’s get this out of the way. What do you want to know?’

‘Alex, this isn’t an interrogation.’ Laura laughs. ‘I’m here to support you.’

‘Well, why does it seem like one then? All I want is to get on with things and not focus on my situation.’

‘Why don’t you start by telling me how you’ve been feeling?’ she suggests.

‘OK… sure.’ I attempt a smile, but feel too exposed. ‘I’ve been feeling all right. Still a bit fatigued, but that’s reducing gradually.’

‘And how did you feel about coming back today?’

‘Good.’

Good until I got here and this conversation started.

‘I’m glad.’ Laura stirs her coffee absently. ‘Alex, it’s absolutely your right to keep your condition confidential, but it might be worth considering whether to tell your teammates. So they can offer you support and understand what’s going on next time you have a period of absence like this, which seems likely. They’ve been worried about you.’

As Laura says this, there’s an uncomfortable jolt in my abdomen and the nagging feeling from this morning returns with a vengeance. I suddenly realise what it is. It’s fear. Fear of being seen differently. Fear of beingtreateddifferently and of being seen as unreliable. Because as much as I can pretend nothing’s happening to me, it’s not like I can persuade my body to play along.

This realisation spooks me and almost derails my thoughts entirely, but as I see Laura looking back at me expectantly, I know I have to hold it together. She can’t be allowed to see this uncharacteristic sense of vulnerability that has emerged. I straighten myself up in my chair to give myself a mental boost.

‘Look, Laura, I hear what you’re saying, but I think I’d rather keep this to myself. I’m just getting my own head around things and the last thing I need is lots of questions and sympathetic looks.’

‘That’s fair.’ She nods. ‘I hadn’t thought about it that way.’

‘And if you don’t mind, can we do this whole “reasonable adjustments” thing later? I’d rather focus on getting back into things, then I’ll be able to tell you what support I think I need.’

Laura studies me for a moment. It’s clear she doesn’t want to let this conversation go, but she’s also smart enough to realise it will be more productive when I’m ready to deal with it.

‘OK, fine,’ she concedes reluctantly. ‘But there are a couple of things I want to cover before you head off.’

‘What’s that?’

She hesitates again. ‘I’d like you to work shorter days this week, to avoid you getting too tired. Coming back to work after a long period of absence can be tough.’

‘OK… I suppose that makes sense.’

‘Also, I’m going to keep Alan on as project manager on the implementation. It’s a challenging role with a tight timeline and a lot of pressure attached to it. Pressure I don’t think you need, given the circumstances.’

As she says these words, a feeling of hurt mixed with anger starts to simmer inside me. This isn’t about looking after me. If it was, she’d be asking me what I need, not causing me stress by taking away something that’s so important to me. She doesn’t trust that I can do the job any more and unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about it – she can assign me to any project she wants me on.

‘Right. So if you’re taking me off that project, what are you reassigning me to?’ I force the words through my tensed jaw.

‘There’s a new piece of work being set up to look at some issues with our time and attendance system. It’s something we’ve been needing to address for some time. I thought you’d be perfect to lead that and fortunately it doesn’t have a hard deadline against it.’

This winds me up even further. A project to address a longstanding problem with no set timeline? Translation: something unimportant that nobody really cares about. I’m being handed a made-up project so they can keep me out the way.

I take a deep breath to make sure I don’t blurt out how I’m really feeling. ‘Laura, this feels a bit like you’re demoting me.’

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