Page 20 of The Gin Lover's Guide to Dating

‘Think you might need to consider that Lidl gin after all.’

We look at each other and laugh weakly, then Dylan pats the sofa beside him.

‘Come and take me through it. And bring a pen and paper. I might not be a corporate hotshot like you, but I’m good at admin and I know my way around budget spreadsheets. Plus, I keep on top of my spending, unlike you.’

‘I didn’t need to keep on top of my spending with the job I had. My salary was…’ I trail off, realising I sound pathetic and irresponsible.

Plus, there’s no point in arguing: two heads are probably better than one to solve this most recent disaster. I obediently plonk myself down next to Dylan, laptop, notepad and pen in hand. He takes my laptop from me and I walk him through my financial expenditure and outgoings.

‘OK, Squirt.’ He says after a while. ‘There’s possibly a way to buy you a bit more time, but it’s gonna mean giving up some of your poncey shit, among other things.’

‘Fine.’ I wave my hand. ‘Name it. I’m too far up the creek to object.’

‘All right. For starters, there’s no way you need that much a month for new clothes – especially when you’re not even working just now. Zero that figure – just till you get a job. Go through that ridiculous wardrobe of yours and make the most of what you’ve already got. I could also sell some of your best designer labels on eBay if you want. You’d get a bit for them.’

‘Hmmm… we’ll see.’ I write a note about cutting out my clothing budget, and at the same time mentally cross the eBay idea off my list.

‘Next thing,’ says Dylan. ‘Cut your social budget by three-quarters. That’s another low priority for you right now. I can’t believe you’ve been spending that much while out of work.’

‘To be honest, I probably haven’t.’ I sigh, making another entry in my notepad. ‘Not in the last month or so. I haven’t been out much. It was just a ballpark figure.’

‘How come you haven’t been out?’ Dylan looks at me suddenly. ‘That’s not like you. And I’m willing to bet it’s not been out of a sense of financial responsibility.’

‘It’s nothing. Just forget it.’

‘Spit it out,’ he instructs me. ‘I hope Angina and the rest of the crew haven’t ditched you.’

‘It’s ANYA!’ I give him a frustrated look. ‘And no, they haven’t ditched me. They didn’t need to. It’s not been the same since I left. All they talk about is work stuff, and being out of work, I can’t join in the way I used to. Also, I… umm… kind of told them I had a fabulous new job.’

‘What? Why did you do that?’

I doodle on the notebook in front of me, too embarrassed to look up at him.

‘About six weeks ago, I just snapped. I was so fed up with my friends constantly asking if I had a job: trying to give me advice, like that’s the only thing in my world that matters. I was sick of hearing stories about other people who’d found themselves in my “situation”. It was totally humiliating. So, one night I just told them I had an amazing new job. They were all so impressed. It was great to feelvalidated. Like I was properly one of them again.’

‘OK, first—’ Dylan looks at me as if I’m crazy ‘—you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. Especially not a bunch of poncey arseholes. Second, what you gonna do when they find out you lied? Where did you say your new job was?’

‘I didn’t.’ I shrug. ‘I said that I couldn’t say right now, because of political sensitivities in the company I was joining. I haven’t been out with them since. And Anya’s so preoccupied with Tom, I’ve barely heard from her. I figured it wouldn’t be long before a job came along that could dovetail nicely with my story…’

‘But it hasn’t worked out that way.’ Dylan finishes my sentence. ‘Funny that.’

‘I don’t need you to take the piss.’ I purse my lips.

‘You can hardly blame me.’ Dylan shakes his head. ‘The lengths you go to “fit in”. They don’t sound like particularly good friends to me. Not that I ever thought they were.’

‘They are,’ I protest. ‘They’re great friends. It’ll be fine. I’ve just got myself in a bit of a sticky position. Once I’m out of it and sorted with a new job, I’ll be able to get back to normal with them. I’ve created this problem myself.’

‘I can only half agree with that.’ Dylan shakes his head again and returns to the spreadsheet in front of him. ‘Now, mortgage, car payment, mobile contract, you can’t do anything about – they have to be paid. Changing utility supplier won’t save you much… Credit cards – are you on a zero per cent interest deal?’

‘No idea.’

‘I hope you are. No one’s gonna give you a new card right now, but write it down for the future.’

I sigh exasperatedly and make another note. ‘Maybe I should hire you as my accountant when I’m finally earning again.’

‘Might not be such a bad shout given the hole you’ve dug for yourself.’ He gives me a playful nudge. ‘You’ve not got a lot of savings, have you?’

‘Err… not as much as I thought.’ I redden. ‘Seems I’ve played a little harder than I realised.’

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