Page 87 of The Gin Lover's Guide to Dating

It’s not often I see the same daters more than once, but occasionally I get such a treat. Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been lucky enough to witness the dating antics of one particular woman several times. It’s like having access to my own private soap opera, only unscheduled, and I have to fill in a lot of the gaps myself.

‘She’s a Tinder fiend!’ I hear you cry. Actually, no. She’s been in eight times, four times each with one of two different blokes. Let’s call them Bill and Bob.

It’s becoming quite clear to me that this woman (let’s call her Amanda) is finding it difficult to choose between them. And to be honest, I can’t blame her. Here’s why:

Bob is super-smoking-hot. He’s the man almost every woman longs to be with. Dazzlingly white perfect teeth, tanned skin (from the actual sun, not a bottle), and (I’m making an educated guess here!) washboard stomach, complemented by a tank-like solid upper body. He oozes charm, leads the banter, draws Amanda in like some kind of industrial-scale magnet. No question: she is head over ballerina pumps in lust.

Now here’s the curious bit: our Adonis reincarnate (that’s assuming the God of Love was ever actually incarnate) has women quite literally wilting like day-old salad at the sight of him. But he doesn’t even notice them. I’ve watched as one sultry sex kitten after the next has tried to lever his attention away – when Amanda nips to the loo, checks her phone, even when he’s heading to the gents himself – but he doesn’t so much as register their existence. He is completely into Amanda – and Amanda alone.

‘Is there really a dilemma here?’ I hear you ask. Actually, yes. Because is Bob everything a girl could possibly want, that is, unless she wants a man who stimulates her mind as well as her libido. As much as Bob ticks almost every box, he’s not ticking that one. How do I know this? Because I’ve taken it upon myself to join Amanda in her quest to figure out which of these men is ‘the one’. Plainly put: I enthusiastically eavesdrop on all their conversations. And every time Amanda so much as dips her toe into the subjects of world politics, climate change, the growing chasm of inequality in the world, Bob either steers her back to lighter topics with a well-placed quip, or simply looks at her blankly and swiftly changes the subject. When he does this, I see the almost undetectable disappointment in her face.

So, on to Bill. Bill is not the total opposite to Bob. But he’s not nearly in the same league from a physical point of view – don’t think I’ve ever seen a man who is. Bill is just a normal bloke. Not ripped. No TV-ad pearly whites. He’s actually got a hint of a paunch he’s trying to hide under his shirt. He doesn’t have the easy charm that Bob uses to shower Amanda with endless innuendo-fuelled flirty banter, unrivalled affection and beautifully timed compliments. But he does have a secret weapon. He can engage – no – mesmerise Amanda with his mind alone. Because he does talk world politics, climate change, the growing chasm of inequality in the world.

‘But surely that gets boring quickly,’ I hear you say. Actually, no. Bill takes Amanda to places she’s been longing to reach with Bob – and she doesn’t just love it, she lights up like fireworks. Because Bill’s wit and humour are razor sharp. He has Amanda desperately clutching her stomach muscles as he takes her on an intellectual and rollicking roller coaster every time they meet.

‘So, then Bill must be “the one”!’ I hear you cry. Actually, it’s not that simple. Because with Bill, Amanda is quite clearly not head over ballerina pumps in lust – not yet anyway. And as much as we all try to deny it to avoid seeming shallow, sexual chemistry is important.

Hopefully, now you see the dilemma. Amanda’s perfect man is in fact Bill and Bob combined. But as the perfect man doesn’t exist, she has to make a choice. Who to choose? I know I’d be struggling. Just when I find myself leaning towards one, I’m drawn back to the other. All I can really say at this stage is that it’s one of those nice dilemmas in life. But I’m glad it’s not mine.

This week I’m proposing a drink to toast each of Amanda’s wonderful men – because no matter who she eventually chooses, it seems she’ll be on to a winner. For super-sexy Bob, it’s got to be a Spicy Red Snapper (AKA gin’s answer to the Bloody Mary – a piquant blend of gin, tomato juice, fresh lemon juice, generous dashes of hot pepper and Worcestershire sauces, finished with a little seasoning), and for Bill, the mind-blowing-yet-sophisticated Earl Grey G&T (a simply genius combination of gin, chilled earl grey tea, simple syrup, tonic and lime peel to garnish).

As usual, featured cocktail recipes are below. Looking forward to your verdicts on the gin, the men and Amanda’s ‘dilemma’!

‘Chica, I am loving your new post.’ Reyes looks up from the phone screen. ‘But it is strange. This episode, it is like your life.’

It’s two days later and Reyes and I are doing the usual preparations behind the bar for our evening shift.

‘It’s exactly my life,’ I confirm, as Reyes hands my phone back to me. ‘Well, exactly in the sense that I’ve used my own personal dilemma as inspiration for this one. I haven’t watched this unfold in the bar – I’m living with it day to day.’

‘This writing is about you? But, why?’ Reyes looks confused as she pours ice into the ice buckets from a much larger container. ‘Are you not having enough ideas for your blog from the customers?’

‘Of course, I am.’ I pause momentarily from slicing the fruit garnishes. ‘There’s endless material in here. But I’m getting eaten up by this whole thing with Josh and Graham, my online… whatever he is. I wanted to get some advice… no,perspectives… from people who aren’t close to the situation – people who wouldn’t just automatically side with Josh, like you and Dylan.’

‘We are with Josh because he is real and we are knowing him.’ Reyes shrugs. ‘Josh is amazing. He is so into our chica. But this other hombre, he is not real – not yet.’

‘I know that.’ I nod. ‘And that did make things a bit more difficult when I was writing this blog post. I had to make up a physical appearance for Graham, which might be nothing like him at all. But essentially, it’s down to one thing – what’s more important to me? Is it the physical or the non-physical connection? My subscribers love to offer their perspectives and opinions.’

‘And you are getting this perspective that you need?’ Reyes asks.

‘Well… yes.’ I bob my head from side to side in a non-committal way. ‘They’ve commented in droves. But to be honest, I’m no clearer than I was. I had expected there to be a landslide in one direction, but there’s such a range of views, I’m no further forward. Take a look.’

I scroll down to the comments section at the bottom of my post and hand my phone back to Reyes. She starts to read aloud.

SexiBetti:Go for the hot ripped guy!! Especially if he’s a faithful one. That’s every girl’s dream!

Redhead93:No way! Amanda should hold out for the perfect guy! If all these characteristics are so important to her, she should try to find them all in one man – it might take a while but it’s possible. Never settle! I didn’t.

CandyCrushIcedTea:Did you find your perfect man then, Redhead93? Any tips?

Redhead93:Not yet. But he’s out there. I know it.

CandyCrushIcedTea:Right… Good luck with that…

TickTockClock:That earl grey g&t is rockin!! Found my new favourite drink. Ta, MissGinFizz.

Sugar’n’Spice87:Looks fade but a good mind can last a lifetime. It’s so obvious that this woman is better off with Bill. Otherwise she’ll live out her middle and old age bored and unfulfilled.

GemmaLC:Sure. But a lifetime of having to close your eyes during sex isn’t ideal either. Trust me, I know from experience…

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