Page 79 of The Gin Lover's Guide to Dating

I feel a surge of guilt. I realise that my attention should probably be on Josh, not another man, whom I know next to nothing about. Is that being unfaithful? Can I even be unfaithful? Josh and I haven’t had the chat about being exclusive. For all I know, he could be dating other women. I have nothing to feel guilty about – do I?

As it’s highly likely Josh will be fast asleep by now, and I definitely don’t want him asking why I was up till four, I decide I’ll respond in the morning. It’s not such a bad thing to keep him waiting.

Chapter 22

Over the next few weeks, my life slips into a comfortable but enjoyable pattern of working my shifts in the bar. I barely have time to think in between completing the hotel training programme, publishing my blog posts and keeping up with my subscribers – who, to my amazement, have now breached the ten-thousand mark. My job hunt isn’t just fruitless, it stalls completely; I can’t bring myself to apply for anything. I know that I have rediscovered a part of me that I had buried through sheer unrelenting determination to leave Ridgemore estate far behind me – both physically and psychologically. I also know – be it a bad decision or not – I can’t step back into the façade of a life I had created, just to keep me financially sound.

The lump sum from my eBay sales (very kindly facilitated by Dylan), my fast-growing online following, and my first payment due on the earnings from my blog all mean I can take that risk without feeling faint with fear every time I think about it.

I also find myself juggling the attention of two very different men. On one hand there’s Josh, my real-life love interest – a knee-tremblingly hot man. He may lack a level of depth, which may or may not be related to his age; but he’s super considerate and he showers me with affection. My feelings for him are getting stronger by the day; there’s no question about that.

Then there’s the more mysterious ‘GrahamLeeton’, who engages me in a way that spans the emotional spectrum daily. We get indignant together. We rise up in determination to change the world, then acknowledge that we’re out of our depth and pipe down. We appreciate the little things, we laugh uproariously (portrayed by multiple LOLs with laughing emojis), and we let the sadness and empathy through whenever there’s another terror attack or natural disaster. We have the ultimate cyber partnership. And as it blossoms, I find myself more and more conflicted.

I desperately want to meet him in person. At the same time, I’m terrified that if I did, this huge blissful bubble between us might burst in epic proportions, just like the Marshmallow Man exploding at the end ofGhostbusters. What if he’s married? Or he’s ancient, with a hairpiece, dentures and multiple grandchildren? It wouldn’t matter how much we connect at an intellectual and spiritual level, those are red lines. There has also been no indication on GrahamLeeton’s side that he’s even remotely interested in meeting me anyway. So, maybe this is the best way: I have my ultimate perfect man, but in two different men.

There are moments when I find it rather challenging, though. For example, Josh now thinks I have a worryingly weak bladder, because I excuse myself to the toilets about ten times every time we’re together – to reply to GrahamLeeton. GrahamLeeton does, of course, realise that I have a life beyond him, but he’s just so full of energy, razor-sharp observations and piercing wit – and I’m a total sucker for it. Then there’s the issue of making sure Josh doesn’t clock these conversations on my phone. I have to turn off the notifications from the chat app, which means I have to guess when GrahamLeeton might have messaged, resulting in further unnecessary bathroom breaks and Josh asking me if perhaps it’s time I saw a doctor.

‘Liv, are you ready?’

I drag myself out of my latest daydream about who GrahamLeeton might really be, and focus my attention on Amir.

‘Yes, sorry.’ I get up from the bar seat I’ve been sitting in while waiting for Amir to finish the staff rota. ‘Where’s Reyes? I thought she’d be here by now.’

‘She arrived just before you, but she nipped back out to get something from the shop across the road. It’s OK, we have plenty time. We don’t need to be at the distillery till twelve, and as we’re taking a car, it won’t take long.’

‘Oh, are you driving us?’ I ask.

‘Nope.I’mdriving us.’ A grinning Josh has burst through the door from the main hotel, Reyes trotting along at his side.

‘Hola, Chica.’ She gives me a kiss on each cheek.

‘Hi, beautiful.’ Josh then scoops me up like a sack of potatoes, giving me a smacker of a kiss on the lips. ‘Looking forward to our day out?’

‘Hi.’ I try to squirm out of his grip, embarrassed, causing him to half drop me. ‘What do you meanourday out? You’re coming with us?’

‘Yup.’ His grin widens.

‘But why?’ I’m puzzled by this revelation. ‘You don’t work in the bar.’

‘I talked Aaron into letting me go. Told him as Ops Manager I should have a good understanding of all areas of the hotel.’ His face scrutinises mine, his eyes betraying the disappointment he’s obviously feeling at my reaction. ‘I thought you’d be pleased. Means we can spend some extra time together.’

A Mars-Bar-sized lump of guilt lodges itself in my chest.

‘I am pleased.’ I fix as convincing a smile on my face as I can and take his hand. ‘Of course, I am. I just… well, I was surprised, that’s all. And I’m surprised Aaron agreed to it. He knows about us, you know. I don’t want him thinking we’re taking advantage.’

‘He won’t, Liv,’ Amir reassures me. ‘He knows you’re a hard worker. And as much as this is a work-related trip, youcanactually enjoy it.’

‘Right.’ I shake my head to clear my muddled thoughts. ‘Sure. Sometimes I forget I’m not in the corporate world anymore.’

‘Well,forget it,’ Amir commands in a very uncommanding way. ‘We’re going to make the most of this. It’s not often we get a day away from work – and on the hotel.’

As if his ears are burning, Aaron suddenly strides into the bar, his long legs giving him giraffe-like momentum.

‘All right, Aaron?’ Amir greets him.

‘Morning, Amir.’ Aaron nods at him stiffly, then looks round at us, a curious expression on his face. ‘Ready for your trip, you motley crew?’

‘Yes, Mister Gardiner.’ Reyes beams at him. ‘We are very much looking forward to drinking the gin.’

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