Page 211 of Between the Blue
Ben throws his arm out, blocking me from exiting and making my gaze snap up to his face.
“I care,” he tells me, his voice low. “I care so fucking much.”
I’m taken aback, and am forced to step backwards. I stare at Ben with raised brows, waiting for the punchline. But, after several seconds, it doesn’t come. “I thought this meant nothing,” I say. “That I meant nothing–”
“You mean everything to me, Cherry,” Ben breathes. “You. Are.Everything.And I am so fucking sorry I took so long to tell you.”
It takes me a moment to realize my mouth is hanging open. I close it, swallowing hard.
“I don’t understand,” I say, hesitant. “I mean…” I trail off, shaking my head. “What’s changed?”
Ben rolls his lips into his mouth as he looks down at me. “You know I’m not the greatest with words,” he mutters gently. “So, please, let me try my best to explain myself.”
I stare back at him for a while, my heart feeling heavy in my chest. Despite every single thought in my mind steering me away, telling me to protect myself, something in me has to hear him out.
“Okay,” I nod, crossing my arms. “Go ahead.”
He inhales a deep breath, letting his eyes fall shut.
“I loved a girl named Julia,” he says.
I resist the urge to say that I already know that. Even when he opens his eyes again and it feels like his gaze slices straight into my chest.
“But I never got to tell her,” Ben continues. “And then she died.”
My mouth falls open.
“And I promised myself that day that I’d never love another thing again but hockey,” Ben tells me. “I thought it was what I had to do. It was what I thought I deserved. She was sick, and I didn’t see it. I chose a sport over her, and then I lost her.”
“Ben…” I stutter. “I–I’m so sorry. I had no idea–”
“Of course you didn’t,” he says. “Because I didn’t tell you. And you can’t know something if someone doesn’t let you. It took me a long time to realize that.”
My brows pull together as he exhales a heavy sigh.
“Jules didn’t want me to know she was sick. She thought hockey meant more to me than she did. And she didn’t want to take that away from me. She thought she was doing what was best for me. But, the truth is, we don’t know what’s best for other people. And it’s not up to us to decide what they can handle. And it took me until just three days ago to realize that’s what I’ve been doing to you all this time.”
Ben’s teeth push into his lower lip, and I find myself swallowing against my suddenly dry throat.
“It wasn’t fair,” Ben says. “Nothing that I’ve put you through is fair.” He runs a hand over his hat, exhaling.
“The truth is, I haven’t let myself feel. Not for a very long time. I’ve kept myself in the dark for years. So long that it became my norm. I grew used to living this dim existence. And then, one day, you showed up out of nowhere.”
I squint my eyes, and Ben’s lips pull up at one corner.
“The first sunshine I’d seen in ages,” he muses. “And you reminded me what it felt like to live. To care. And it scared the shit out of me. So I pushed you away. As best as I could. I didn’t want to let you in. I didn’t want to put out your light. I tried so hard to protect you from me. But I was only so strong. And you may just be the most stubborn woman I’ve ever met.”
Ben takes a step closer to me.
“And, yes, you remind me of her.”
He reaches up, brushing a strand of my hair from my face. When I stiffen slightly, he pulls back.
“You really did,” he whispers.
I drop my gaze, attempting to clear my throat.
“But not anymore.”
