Page 198 of Between the Blue
“Youarejust as pretty, you know,” I tell her.
“Liar.”
We both laugh.
Then we both cry.
Then we’re quiet for awhile.
“Ben?” she says.
And it’s the last time anyone will call me that.
For a very long time.
“Yeah?”
“Make it worth it,” she tells me. “Don’t waste what you’ve been given. Promise me.”
I take both her hands in mine. Look at her with everything I have.
“I won’t, Jules. I promise.”
And I mean it.
I made my choice. I didn’t see it. I didn’t fight for her. I let her slip away.
I made my bed.
Now I have to lay in it.
I chose hockey.
Now it’s all I have.
I won’t waste what I’ve been given.
Not like I wasted her.
I’ll make it worth it.
For her.
Until my dying fucking day.
fifty-two
HER
I feel like I’m dying.
When I woke up this morning, I tried to force my eyes to stay closed. To just let myself sleep for a little while longer.
Because the moment I became conscious, I immediately became aware of my heart in my chest. More so, the way it felt like it was physically being torn in two, carved straight through with some sort of blade. But not a nice clean straight-edged one. No, more like a worn, serrated, jagged knife covered in rust.
I anticipated this.
I spent the two days while the team was on an away game trip mentally preparing myself for this day. For the first time I’d see him after the last time.
