Page 156 of Between the Blue

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She said she was going to be busy.

I didn’t realize she meantthisbusy.

But that’s on me. Not her.

What’s also on me is how busyI’ve been.

And that’s only made it all so much worse.

She’s tried. Here and there.

She still tries. Sometimes.

She calls.

They usually turn into voicemails.

But she also writes letters.

I’ve had to cling to those.

Even now, today. On the day that a lot of people would probably consider to be the best day of my life.

Because she isn’t here.

I looked this morning at one of the cards she’d sent. The one from my twentieth birthday back in April. It’s still taped to my bathroom mirror.

On a day that’s quietly normal to everyone else, today is wildly special to you. Just like you are to me. Two decades down. You deserve them all.

Yours, Julia.

I straightened my shirt collar. Read it one more time.

Yours.

Mine.

God, I miss her.

But I’m also proud of her.

Proud she’s pursuing school after all. Proud that she is so committed. Proud that she cares so much about helping out her family.

I understand it all.

But, God, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

The only thing that’s kept me sane over the recent months is hockey.

I couldn’t miss her if my brain was otherwise occupied.

But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t like I was in a daze on most days. Running on autopilot. It’s not like it used to be. There’s not that same passion.

But, despite my lack of fire, I was still a star on our team. A star among all college players, actually.

And not soon after this last season started, rumors were swirling weekly that both Rhett and I were sure to be drafted by the NHL this summer.

I couldn’t wrap my head around it. It’s been my dream since I was a kid. The idea of it didn’t feel real.

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