Page 140 of Between the Blue
He runs his finger back up my arm, pushing my sleeve up and brushing his thumb over the mirrorball on my shoulder.
I blow a breath out of my nose. “For my favorite song.Mirrorballby Taylor Swift.”
He tilts his head, seemingly trying to figure out which one to ask me about next.
“What about yours?” I ask. I reach for his wrist, turning his forearm over. My eye catches on the little half Yin-Yang symbol and my thumb just barely brushes it. “What about this one–”
Ben yanks his wrist back. “No,” he states, his voice firm.
I rear back in confusion and he shakes his head, looking like he’s resetting himself. Then he clears his throat and returns his gaze to my arm. He shifts his finger down to my camera tattoo and looks back up at me, clearly awaiting an explanation. I shift beneath him, frustration settling in.
“This isn’t really fair, you know,” I tell him. I pull my arm back, and he looks at me with a confused expression.
“What isn’t?”
My lips flatten. “Tell me something about you. Something that means something.”
Ben's brows pull together, and he shakes his head.
“Well?” I push.
“What are you trying to do, Cherry?”
My spine straightens. “I’m just trying to understand you. To get to know you. I’ve shared a lot with you, and you haven’t given me anything. I’m just…trying to make this relationship equal.”
Even with his mental walls weakened by the alcohol, I can see the shift in Ben. The way he starts to shut down. His eyes squint, and I already know what he’s going to say before he says it.
“Relationship?”
I scoff out a humorless laugh. “Yes, Ben.”
“But we don’t… That’s not…” He sits up, letting out a huff as he runs his hands over his face with his back to me. “I can’t,” he finally says. “That’s not what this is. It can’t be. I just… I can’t.”
He can’t see me, but I nod slowly anyway. After a few moments, I place my hands on my knees and rise to my feet.
Ben sighs, then falls backwards once again, landing awkwardly against the couch cushion when he finds me no longer sitting there. He turns to the side, propping himself up on his elbow to look up at me. And the look in his eyes literally brings me to my knees.
I squat down in front of him, reaching out and cradling his face in my hand.
He responds immediately, relaxing his cheek into my touch, letting his eyes fall shut.
I swallow hard. “Ben?”
“Yeah?” he replies, his voice hoarse.
“I’m done with whatever this is.”
It’s quiet for a few moments before he replies.
“I know,” he says, his eyes remaining shut. “You should be.”
I wet my dry lips, my throat feeling tight. “I don’t want to be,” I tell him.
Ben finally opens his eyes, and he winces when he sees me before him. “You don’t want me, Cherry,” he says. He gently pulls my hand away from his face, like that’s the only way he’s able to pull himself back from me. Like he’s not capable of doing it on his own. He rests his head down on his folded arm, dropping his gaze. “You deserve everything,” he mutters. “And I can’t give you that.”
“Why not?” I ask.
“I’m broken.”
