Page 168 of Something Rad
I can tell she’s wavering on the inside, that she wants to back down from me, but she refuses.
“So that I didn’t have to talk to you,” she tells me.
I nod slowly, rolling my lips into my mouth. “And why didn’t you want to talk to me?”
She doesn’t answer me. It looks like she wants to say the words, but she just doesn’t have them yet.
“Why, Cooper?” I question her, my voice intensifying.
And that’s the moment she breaks. Her shoulders fall, her eyes dropping to my chest. A few moments of silence go by, and my lungs seem to struggle to process air the longer she leaves me without a response.
I inch just the slightest bit closer, dropping my head so that my lips nearly brush the top of Cooper’s head as I ask her my next question. “Were you scared?”
She rears back, her gaze snapping back up to meet mine, and it’s clear she’s absolutely thrown by my question.
“Were you scared, Cooper?” I repeat.
A mixture of panic and anger swirls across her facial features. She moves to turn away from me, but I stop her, grabbing her face in my hands. At first, it’s urgent, the way I force her to look at me, but then I feel the way she softens into my touch, and it makes me soften too, just a little bit. I look down at her, the pads of my thumbs brushing lightly across her cheekbones.
When I speak again, my voice is low and slow, making sure she doesn’t miss a word. “Tell me what you’re scared of, Cooper.”
Her eyes dart between mine, and I can see the way they start to gloss over as she looks back at me. A tightness settles in my throat, an uneasy feeling rushing through me. One I’m not sure I’ve ever been met with before. I don’t know why, but I’m still stroking her cheeks with my thumbs. It just feels natural at the moment, and I’m trying my best to follow that impulse.
“What I’mscared of?” Cooper croaks out, as if I didn’t just ask her the same question three different times.
I stare back at her for a moment, my jaw flexing. Then I slowly nod.
“I’m…” she trails off, her tongue darting out to wet her lips.
“Cooper,” I nearly growl.
The confession bursts out of her, her voice rising three octaves. “I’m scared tobe here,okay?! I’m scared to be aroundyou!”
Her back slumps harshly against the car behind her, as if she’s just realized what she just said. I immediately remove one of my hands from her face. I think for a second that I’m about to step away from her entirely, but when I ask myself what feels natural, I do the exact opposite. While my other hand remains on Cooper’s face, I lean forward, resting my now free hand on the roof of my car to her side, caging her in.
“Go on,” I say, probably too calmly.
Cooper’s teeth sink into her bottom lip, and it’s as if I can see the events of this evening–hell, this entiresemester– replaying in her eyes. And I’m fucking tired. Emotionally and physically, I’m exhausted. So, as the indecision plays across Cooper’s face, I just pray she decides to give in. Whether it’s to scream at me or slap me or do anything else she desires,
I just need this all out in the open. Just need to know that it’s not just me that feels like they’re out of their damn mind right now. I just want her to talk.
Please, Cooper, sayanything.
As if she can read my mind, she suddenly releases her lip from her teeth, raising her chin to look at me. “I’m scared of the way you make me feel,” she admits.
She doesn’t look at my face for a reaction, nor does she give me a chance to respond, barrelling on.
“I’m scared of how you make me feel like my skin is on fire and like my heart’s going to beat out of my chest and like every neuron in my brain is firing at once. I guess I’m scared to feel this…alive. I don’t know what to do with it. And Ineverdon’t know what to do. And that scares me too. I’m scared of letting go of control, of the way you make me feel like I’m losing it, and the way that I’m almostokaywith losing it. I’m scared of the things you make me believe are possible. Of all the things I never thought I needed before but…now…” She pauses, swallowing hard. “I’m scared of…the things you make me want.”
A few seconds go by before I realize just how rigid my body has become. How my hand is still glued to Cooper’s cheek and I’m still crowding her space, but that I’ve somehow stopped breathing, her confession knocking all of the wind out of me. I allow my vision to refocus, looking deeply into Cooper’s eyes to see if I find any hint of regret in them, but there is none. I tilt my head at her.
“You want to know what I’m scared of?” I ask her.
She takes a moment before she nods.
I let out a breathy laugh. Cooper just got as honest as it gets. I guess it’s my turn now.
“I’m scared…ofgettingwhat I want.”
