Page 30 of Replay

“You kissed him, Emms. Or he kissed you. Whatever the fuck happened. But if we get back together, I don’t want him around you.” Jax leans down toward me.

I stare at him, my lips pressed together, my brain attempting to morph the two different sides of Jax together, trying to find the best way to let him down after this when all I want to do is kick him in the shin.

“I was wrong to let Hawke kiss me and to kiss him back. I take full responsibility for that. I’m sorry I hurt you and that all this drama happened at the party.” I take a deep breath in, my words coming out way stronger than I feel right now. “Jax, we have both been in the wrong and in the past few days I’ve had time to think about it all. I want to break up. I’m hoping we can walk away from this like adults and maybe someday we can be cordial with each other again.”

He scoffs and rocks back on his heels. Jax’s hands run through his short hair. “Just like that, huh?”

“Even if Hawke wasn’t here, you still cheated. You lied. You broke my trust and you kept it from me, letting me think you were the perfect boyfriend.”

“But Sheppard is here. This was all his doing. And he kissed you in front of me,” Jax accuses, shaking his head. “Okay, fine, Em. We’re broken up. Happy? I hope things work out between you two.”

I open my mouth to try to smooth things over, but he’s already walking away. I watch as Jax disappears into the evening, never once looking back. There’s a small twinge in my chest and my hands rubs it absently. This is for the best. Not just because of the storm Hawke has brewing but also because, deep down, I know I can’t give Jax what he really wants. I’m thankful for him, for being my distraction, the reason I tried to move on, the sunshine when I was sad over Hawke. This ending with Jax is necessary. I just wish I hadn’t hurt him too.

emma

. . .

My phone buzzesnext to me again, and this time I pick it up. The library has steadily filled since I first arrived after class, and I’m more aware now of the noise the vibrations make against the hardwood of the table. I flip my phone over in my hand and once again see Hawke’s name flash on the screen. The guy is relentless. Somehow, he found out that I met with Jax last night. Probably because our break up is now official and somehow, it's been made public. I woke up this morning to messages asking me if I was okay, and Hawke demanding to know if he needed to go after Jax for hurting me. Once I calmed him down then the other things started happening. A full breakfast of pancakes, bacon and fruit showed up at my front door. I received a smoothie between my morning classes and my favorite chicken wrap from ChuChu’s ended up delivered to me after my afternoon classes before I snuck off to the library. I have no idea how Hawke is pulling these strings or why he thinks he needs to. Then there is the endless stream of text messages that are sweet and borderline obsessive and should be sending red flag vibes.

HAWKE: I miss you.

HAWKE: I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re beautiful.

HAWKE: Let me take you to lunch during your break.

HAWKE: Since you aren’t answering, I’ll bring lunch to you.

HAWKE: How about dinner, sugar?

HAWKE: You need to eat, Emmarys. Let me take care of you.

HAWKE: I’ll find where you’re hiding, sweets.

I squeeze my phone after reading the latest message, my traitor of a heart flipping in my chest. My eyes squeeze shut. I can’t avoid Hawke forever, and at some point I need to face the discussion with him that I’ve been avoiding. Now that things are cleared up with Jax, I should take care of this, but I’m scared. My mind screams one thing while my heart screams another. I feel conflicted, and when it comes to Hawke, nothing is ever what it seems. Plus, I’m scared he’ll leave again. That one day I’ll wake up and he’ll be gone without a word and my life will be torn apart again. He says he’s here for me, but what happens in the next few years with graduation, the draft, moving to where he may be playing professionally. There are so many unknowns and with Hawke, and I need certainty.

ME: No to dinner. Maybe we can talk though.

I was expecting bubbles, him replying right away, now that I’d responded to one of his seven texts. I did not expect there to be silence from his end of things. I am not proud of the fact that for the next hour I check my phone over and over again to see what he has to say. It's even more annoying when my stomach sinks with dread and fear. Needing to bury myself outside of reality I focus back on my textbook, my fingers gripping my pen until they become numb from all my notes. I’m so lost in forcing myself not to think about Hawke that my heart jumps into my throat when the chair next to me shifts and his deep voice cuts through the haze.

“Emma you can’t expect me to take a brush off like that on the shoulder and not come find you.”

I lift my gaze and my eyes instantly clash with his. He’s bent toward me, his messy hair falling across his forehead. I'm very aware of his chest pressing into my side while he braces one arm on the back of my chair and the other on the table right next to me, caging me in, surrounding the small space with his heat, his scent, and the energy that radiates off him.

“I said we could talk, Hawke,” I manage to say with a steady voice. “I’m not ready for anything else right now.”

He grins and leans so close that his lips brush against mine, gently, light, but firm, giving me no choice but to accept his presence. I can feel my cheeks heat, feel my pulse build steadily in my veins.

“Stop trying to make what you had with him more than what it was, Emmarys,” Hawke murmurs with every drag of his lips against mine, keeping me on edge, not even fully aware until mine are moving slowly in time with his. “Me, us, this is not a rebound to what you had with him.”

“But—”

“No, no, sweets.” He shakes his head, his hands moving to cup my face. “I am not a body for you to get under to forget him, or a fling or a rebound. You have always been mine just like I’ve always been yours. What you had with him was wasting time until we could be together again. I’m sorry, Emmarys, but that is what it was.”

“You have no idea,” I try to say, but he cuts me off again, standing from the table and taking my hand in his. Trying not to make a scene, I let him lead me through the library, up the stairs, and all the way to the back section where the space is dark, empty, and deserted.

Hawke brings us down a row before leaning into my space and forcing my back to the stack of books. “You think I don’t know? You think that I haven’t done my research on him, on your relationship? I know you, Emmarys. Just like you know me, and like you knew all along, I’d come for you again. You admitted you waited for me on my birthday, and if you had been interested in him, I never would have been on your mind. There never would have been a question about being his girlfriend before he went on that vacation unless you were still mine underneath it all.”

Tears fill my eyes while his words rip holes in the carefully constructed wall around my heart. I promised myself I’d never feel that desperate and sad over him again. I don’t want to be the girl who pines for a guy she can’t see, can’t talk to, can’t contact, can’t be with.

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