Page 40 of The Cowboy Takes a Nanny
As they lay panting and spent, Ella attempted a note of sanity. “Leo, we really need to talk. This is … It’s incredible but—”
His mouth swallowed the rest of her words. “I know. But tomorrow. Okay? You can barely keep your eyes open, and the kids will be full-on as usual.”
Was it cowardly to give in so easily? As her eyelids fluttered closed she figured she’d worry about being a coward tomorrow and accept his offer. Though, she did refuse to be carried upstairs, not only to avoid aggravating his sore shoulder. This time though exhaustion drove them—reluctantly—to their own beds. Sleeping together wasn’t an option if they wanted to get any sleep. They had responsibilities.
And furniture arriving! But then they would talk. And she wouldn’t permit anything to put her off.
*
Alone in his room, Leo was suddenly as far from sleep as he could ever be. He wanted, no needed Ella beside him. Not to make love, but to hold her, to let her know how special she was …
He wanted to inhale the sweet perfume that enveloped her like a cloud, wanted to see her smile, to hear one of her sharp comebacks.
Wanted her with him.
Always.
The word came from nowhere, startling him. But maybe not as much as it should have. Not as much as it would have weeks ago when she’d first arrived. Now it wasn’t nearly as scary, but he still wasn’t sure what it meant, for him, for Mia.
His choice to devote his life to his daughter hadn’t ever been a cavalier decision. He’d thought about it long and hard; talked it over with his sister, Joey. Of course, she hadn’t known about Kristina, there hadn’t seemed to be the need to reveal himself quite as pathetic as all that. He’d come to terms with that incident long ago, but he couldn’t deny he’d allowed it to batter him again when Hope had died.
Joey had been adamant that he wasn’t thinking clearly: that cutting himself off to potential happiness was foolish. But he’d been so certain it was the only option open to him if he wanted to give Mia the best life; protect her. To dedicate himself to proving himself a good father for Mia. That and only that had to be his focus.
Was he still so sure?
Last night and again tonight had been mind-blowing. Like nothing he’d ever experienced. But it hadn’t just been that. The sex was a culmination of everything else—like the final cog in a gear designed to make everything run smoothly, the last missing piece.
These past weeks had been without doubt the happiest of his adult life. He’d imagined himself in love with Hope and beat himself up when he realized he wasn’t. Not truly in love. Not deeply: they hadn’t had enough time for it to grow. The feelings he’d had for Hope, were nothing compared to how he felt when he was with Ella. Hell, when he wasn’t with Ella. She was constantly with him—in his head and in his soul—all the time. Which meant what? That this was love?
True love?
If love was that feeling that you can’t breathe properly, that you can’t settle until you’ve seen that person, that you can’t stop thinking about them, that you overlook their flaws, that you find them endlessly fascinating—that you’d walk away if that was what made them happy?
The questions hovered …
Like a specter they were just there. Insistent and intangible but present in every other way.
He knew the answer … His chest tightened.
Then yes, godammit, he was in love with Ella Staunton Hawes. Lady Gabriella Staunton Hawes. And he wanted forever with her.
He closed his eyes. He should be jumping up and down with joy. How many people find true love? Someone they’re compatible with in so many ways?
He wasn’t jumping for joy. He was confused.
Because it still didn’t solve his problem. He’d made a promise to himself, to Mia.
He shook his head. And he hadn’t even added in the issue of her other life; Benny’s birthright. The money.
Shucking clothes as he went, he headed for the shower. This was why he didn’t do relationships; why he’d sworn off them. But try as he might, he couldn’t ignore the little inner voice, whispering coward.
*
Having lived her life in homes furnished with period or antique pieces handed down through generations, even in her London flat that had once been her mother’s, Ella hadn’t had a whole lot of experience buying furniture. However, even she knew that choosing, ordering, and delivery rarely occurred this quickly.
Still, she wasn’t going to argue. It would be wonderful to see Leo’s house become a comfortable home, one that he could utilize to the fullest extent—and she was honored that he’d left it to her to do quite a bit of the choosing and then also placement.
Thankfully Melanie and Evie had arrived to take the children so as to make the process simpler. Leo remained in the background, cracking jokes and generally enjoying himself while she pondered the best positioning for almost every item.
