Page 29 of The Cowboy Takes a Nanny
His sigh blew all the way over to her. “That’s the ridiculous part. I’d vowed since Hope died that I would put Mia first; that I’d never let her down like I did her mother. Which partially is why,” he added on a low growl, “my behavior earlier was so out of line.”
He was only supporting her view on how a relationship between them could be disastrous, if for different reasons. Still, it stung to hear him put it so baldly. “You didn’t fail Hope, Leo. The circumstances were out of your control, but I’d be being hypocritical to question your resolve. Though, if you wanted my opinion, I think you’re being unnecessarily harsh on yourself.”
“Yeah, well,” he began on a grim note, “the truth is I don’t have a great track record with women, so I’m not prepared to take that chance.”
“Because of Hope?” Even she heard the frown in her voice.
He pursed his lips, the ones she’d fantasized about but now knew firsthand that those fantasies hadn’t even come close to the glorious reality. Even calling on every ounce of self-control she possessed, she struggled to pull her eyes away.
After a long moment he responded, “She wasn’t the first.”
Oh. His words shocked her, but it felt wrong to prompt him.
“Her name was Kristina,” he finally said. “We were in college together. She was a trust fund kid, a bit wild, and at first, I was dazzled by her. Surprised even when she agreed to go out with me.” He blew out a long sigh. ‘She was wild and had no sense of self-preservation at all.’
In the next pause, Ella asked quietly, “She died?”
“No, but she could have. We were at a party. Her people, not mine, and I was ready to check out. Lots of alcohol and we were all underage. There was other stuff. Not my scene. That was bad enough; but these kids had money to burn and fast cars—very fast cars.”
“Ah, an accident?”
“Yep. Kristina wanted me to go joyriding with her and her friends in her sports car. They were going to buy drugs. I refused. I should have gone, they were all tanked. I told her it was dangerous, too many in the car. We had a fight, I guess you’d call it. She stormed off, yelling that I was no fun and had ruined her night. Said it would be my fault if they all crashed because I refused to drive them.”
“Oh Leo.” He didn’t have to paint any more pictures.
“Her injuries were horrific. Loads of operations. She eventually recovered. I tried to keep in touch with her, but her parents blamed me and wouldn’t let me near her. Rationally I knew it wasn’t my fault, but still, the guilt of it ate at me for years. Then when Hope …”
“This is going to sound like tough love, but you weren’t responsible for either of those situations. People make their own choices, Leo. Did you ever talk to anyone about the Kristina thing? A professional?”
He huffed out another half laugh; one that lifted his chest. “Nah. Actually I’ve never spoken to anybody about it. You’re the first—lucky you. Figured it was best just to move on. There was nothing I could do, blocked at every juncture by her family, so …” He shrugged. “Rodeo helped. And I gotta say, I’m not as eaten up now as I might sound. I’ve pretty much made my peace with what happened in those situations, but they left a mark, a reminder if you like, that life is tenuous, and we have to stay alert.” He paused. “And Mia is way too precious for me to lose focus, to take any risks.”
She sat quietly, honored he’d trusted her enough to share this experience in his life, but mostly just letting him process what he’d revealed. Admiring him even more that he’d cared about those women, still cared and wished he’d done more. Ella hurt for the unnecessary pain and guilt he’d endured, and his intention to deny himself a full life. And deny Mia the chance to have a mother because he doubted himself. All the while feeling guilty that she didn’t dare share her own secrets.
It hurt that she, who loved Mia as much as any mother could, was unable to challenge him to take that chance with her. With Benny. To build a family …
All fantasy. But who wouldn’t want that dream? What mother wouldn’t want that kind of security and love for her child? What woman wouldn’t want someone as caring as Leo Halligan by her side?
Lost in the cruelly tantalizing what-ifs, his voice, stark and raw, startled her. “But we haven’t actually solved our problem, have we? Where do we go from here?”
“Perhaps we have to limit the time we have together. That would be a starting place.”
The sudden flash in his eyes was contrary to what came out of his mouth, she was sure of it. “Sounds like a plan.”
Really what else could they do? Considering this, Ella stood to make her retreat. What was that saying? Begin as you plan to continue?
But when Leo reached out, white heat shot through her, laughing at all her good intentions. She wasn’t sure what he read in her face, but he removed his hand just as quickly as he’d reached out to her. Instead, he stood, faced her full-on—all that strength, virility, gorgeousness—all just a hand-stretch away. His expression stole her breath.
Leo … Don’t do this …
He didn’t say the words she sensed simmered below the surface, and when he did speak, she wondered if his request was what he’d actually intended, had it not been for the sincerity in his tone.
“I just wanted to clarify one thing; can we still do some stuff together?” He shrugged. “The kids seem to get a kick out of it, and it’s probably good for them … Healthy?”
She crossed her arms, tried to brush away the goosebumps that his touch had feathered across her skin, even through her sleeves—worried the peaking of her nipples would be evident through the tight knit sweater, worried he’d see and …
No! Just, no!
Drawing in as much air as her lungs could accommodate, she straightened, strove for calm, aware she might be coming across a bit clinical, but needing that to anchor herself.
