Page 55 of Doesn't Count

Somewhere in the time she started talking, the guys had disappeared, giving us some space – not that there is much on this bus, but at least they tried.

I hold Ash in an embrace that feels natural, like a deep breath after being under for too long. I have this overwhelming urge to comfort her, to take away all of her pain, to rewrite her entire past. I might be a God on stage, but when it comes to Ash I am utterly powerless.

Ashton

The week passes by like the end of Spring, peaceful and without storms. There even seems to be some new buds sprouting in the form of friendship, though Khaos might deny it. However, I can’t complain, it’s the most we’ve ever gotten along.

Something has changed since our talk last week. I don’t know if it’s because he was tired of fighting or if he pities me for my past. I hope it’s not the latter. It took me years to climb out of that deep hole of despair, nearly killing me, but eventually the pain lessened.

Well, whatever has him playing nice, I hope it stays because I’m starting to actually like this side of him. I didn’t see that coming.

Khaos rolls over to his side, facing away from me and I use this opportunity to relieve my bladder. It feels early, but seeing as we never wake up before ten, it probably isn’t.

I lock myself inside the bathroom, doing my business and when I look down between my legs, I realize all my prayers have been answered.

Hello, Aunt Flow!

The heaviness of the last week and a half disappears, flooding me with relief. I finish in a hurry, excited to share the news. The door flies open as I stumble out and stand in the doorway to Khaos’ room shouting at the top of my lungs. “I’m not pregnant!”

I get a couple claps and some unenthusiastic woos from the bunks. The guys’ too drowsy to celebrate with me properly. Then turn to find Khaos pulling himself up to sit against the headboard, running a hand through his soft, dark hair.

“Congrats.” He chuckles sleepily.

I rush over to him, jumping onto the bed, landing on my knees. The bed isn’t bouncy at all, but soft enough that it doesn’t hurt.

“Oh God, I’m so relieved! I was starting to really worry.” I throw myself down next to him, my head by his hip.

“Yeah, me too. For a second, I thought maybe I would have to stop touring, quit my job, and raise little hellions with a girl too fucked up for her own good.” he chuckles.

“And I thought maybe I’d actually have to count it. Now we can pretend none of this ever happened.” I tease.

“You do know you can only lose your virginity once, right? Even if you swear sex off for the rest of your life, I’m still your first.” He reminds me.

“Semantics.” I brush him off.

His eyes narrow, those dark brows dipping, making him look like Pissed Almighty. I don’t intend to ruin the good thing we have going, but he has to understand why I don’t want it to count.

“That’s what you want then? To pretend it never happened?” He asks through clenched teeth.

“I mean, hear me out. We were both on drugs and Iprobably wouldn’t have made the same choice if I were sober. I’m not saying I blame you-”

“Blame me?” He cuts me off. “You took that pill first! The only reason I did it was because you did!”

“I said I DON’T blame you, but-”

“There is no but, Ash.” He shakes his head. “We’re not doing this again.”

“No! You don’t get to cut me off just because you don’t like what I have to say. We were intoxicated, high, not in the right state of mind. That isn’t how I want my first time to be!” I realize I’m not being rational, but emotions hardly ever are.

“News flash! That’s exactly how your first time was! IT HAPPENED. There’s nothing you can do about it now!” His words are like loud claps in my ears, reverberating around in my head.

I sit up, rubbing my temples with my fingers before turning to him with murder in my eyes.

“What I can do is forget it ever happened!”

“That’s right, none of my kisses count, do they? You’re too hung up on a boy you left for dead.” Malice swarms his amber eyes.

Too stunned to even fight back, I sit there frozen while he storms off into the bathroom to shower. When I cried to him, sharing my past, it didn’t occur to me that it would be thrown back in my face. It astounds me, the fact that he can just coax my heart out of my chest and crush it with his bare hands before tossing it at my feet.

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