Page 53 of Doesn't Count

“Ash? Is that you?” Her voice calls out from the kitchen.

Slowly, I push myself up like trudging through mud, and shuffle down the hall. She spins around when I stop at the counter, watching her in a daze.

“Where’s Oliver?” She asks.

“He left.”I left.

“Oh, I thought he’d be staying for dinner. I planned enough for him.” She says as she finishes breading a piece of chicken.

I shrug, “I’m going to my room.”

She stops me as I climb the first step upstairs. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah.”No.

“Okay, well dinner should be ready in an hour. I’ll call you when it’s done.” She says, finally letting me go.

I shut the door behind me, throwing myself on my bed. My room is the kind of disaster that tornadoes leave. I’m sure I’m lying on top of at least three different outfits, but I don’t even care.

My thoughts drift back to earlier this summer when the two of us were in my backyard. It was late at night, my parents already in bed, so we snuck outside. We laid in the grass, watching the stars as he pointed out all the constellations.

“Hey Ash?” His voice breaks through the silence of the night.

“Hmm?” I respond, still trying to picture Orion for the millionth time.

“How do you know if you’re in love?” He asks me.

“I think you just know.” I shrug.

“That’s vague.”

“Well, in the books, it always starts off with small signs like your heart racing whenever you’re near that person, your palms sweating, or butterflies in your tummy.” I explain.

“Have you ever had any of those before?” He wonders.

“No, have you?”

“I think so.” He admits. “What do I do about it?”

“From what I’ve read, you’re supposed to kiss them and see if those feelings are still there.”

He nods. “Have you ever kissed anyone?”

I sit up, wondering why he’s asking all these questions. “No. If I had I would have told you. You’re my best friend. Besides, I’m saving my first kiss for someone who sweeps me off my feet. I want a whirlwind romance, something that takes my breath away, you know?”

“Is that also from your books?” He laughs.

“I guess it is. You should really read more.”

I replay his kiss in my head, the feeling of his lips on mine were like missiles, exploding everything in sight. Did I run because I was afraid that I liked it? Was my upset stomach really just those butterflies everyone talked about? Are my palms sweating because I was nervous? Suddenly, I’m not sure why I ran.

Maybe what Oliver and I have together isn’t just friendship. Maybe it just hasn’t had a chance to blossom. Just because I’ve never thought about kissing him or holding his hand romantically, doesn’t mean that it can’t happen.

Is one little kiss worth losing his friendship, his love? The thought of us together now invades my mind like a coup d’atet. It’s all I can think about and honestly, it’s not so bad. We already spend all our time together; it would just look a little different. More kissing. More touching. Then in a few years something else.

Was I just afraid to ruin our friendship? Who am I kidding? I probably already did. I groan, realizing my mistake and pull myself out of this bed.

Rushing down the stairs, I round the corner in a hurry, ignoring my mom’s protests.

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