Page 138 of Doesn't Count

Khaos

“Fuck, I’m nervous.” I groan, shaking my hands by my sides.

“Dude, you’ve done this a million times already, it’s nothing new.” Hypnos reminds me.

“Yeah, but I’ve never done it without my mask, I feel naked.” I laugh.

“Me too, man.” Than agrees, rubbing his scruff on his cheeks.

“I mean the cat’s already out of the bag, what difference does it make.” Koke shrugs, his fingers sweeping across the strings of his guitar.

I close my eyes, soaking in the roar of the crowd, it’s softer than usual, the venue so much smaller than what we are used to playing. I wanted to start small again, after everything that’s happened, I don’t think I want the disconnection from my fans. I want them to feel the healing I’ve done, that I’ll continue to do.

I let the guys take the stage first, my nerves holding me back until the last second. I take the crowd in, they all immediately raise their hands in worship, accepting me for who I am.

It’s like riding a bike, the familiarity never lost. I pedal through, every song coming to me like I was born to sing for these people. This is why I fought for my sanity, fought to be better, so I can give myself in a way that makes sense to the people here. For the first time ever, I give my soul to my fans, letting them have a piece of me.

I never thought I would hate wrapping up a set, our last song coming to an end. That final slam against the drums, humming through the bar, the last strum on Koke’s guitar echoing, haunting. I don’t want it to be over just yet, and by the way our fans are screaming, neither do they. I look back at the guys with a small smile and they know. It’s been something they’ve wanted to do for a long time, give in to the pleas of an encore.

I caress the mic, holding the stand close to my body, chest heaving, lungs spent.

“How would you guys like to hear something new?” I ask, eyes scanning the crowd.

Screams bounce against the walls, the reaction coaxing a laugh.

“This one is called Perfect Shade of Flawless.” I close my eyes and hum into the mic.

This one is slower than anything I've ever written, but it’s seared deep in my heart, like a blood stain on linen. Koke splays his fingers over the strings of his guitar, picking out a soft tune to match the melody of my voice. When I finally open my eyes again, everyone has their phones out and flashlights on, waving them, showing their love. It chokes me up for a moment, but I refocus, the words flying free.

“Will you let me in?

I’ve wondered for years

While you were nowhere near

The last touch from you burning my skin.

It hasn’t been easy

Not at first, not ever, but I will never leave.

I want to open you up and crawl inside

Your skin, such a perfect shade of flawless.

Hand in hand, lets walk this hell together.

Hand in hand, we’ll bare this hell forever.

Just you and I, our souls burning for eternity

A life spent with you, I have no uncertainties.

So be mine.

Take my love and cherish it.

I only intend to give you the same

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