Page 110 of Doesn't Count

Hypnos and I follow my mother upstairs, de ja vu weighs heavily on me. I’ve walked these steps a million times and as we climb them now, I feel like I'm thirteen again.

The door to my old room creeks open, my mother rushing in to turn the bed down. She’s in and out, busying herself with changing sheets and pulling out an air mattress. As she flies past me, I gently stop her, grabbing onto her arms. Slowly, I take the air mattress out of her hands.

“I’ve got this.” I tell her. “You should get some rest.”

As if my words were a weight being lifted off her shoulders, she visibly deflates. All the strength she’s held today vanishes, leaving behind a weathered, exhausted woman.

Her soft hands lift to palm the side of my face, her eyes relearning all my features. She studies me, fear swarming behind her gaze.

“I’m not going anywhere.” I reassure her. “I’ll see you in the morning. I promise.”

She smiles and I realize it’s the first time she’s doneso since she opened the front door. It spreads a warmth through my chest like a much-needed embrace.

“Okay, good night then. I love you, Oliver.” She balances on her tippy toes to reach my forehead for a kiss, and I meet her halfway, bending down.

“Love you too, mom.”

There’s a slight hesitation before she shuts the door behind her as if she can’t fathom the idea of leaving me, even if it’s just to sleep. I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose your son, but I do know what it’s like to lose myself, my family, my loved ones. It breaks something so sacred inside of you, something that can never be fixed even if you’re granted the miracle of regaining all those people back in your life.

I wonder if that’s how she feels. Despite the fact that I’m here, I’m safe and alive, it will never fix what’s been broken so deep inside of her. That void of what our lives could have been had I never gone missing. Just because I’m here now, doesn’t mean she won’t grieve for the little boy she lost.

“How’s it feel to be back?” Hypnos asks, picking up a picture frame from my dresser.

I shrug, shaking out the mattress and plugging it in to blow it up. I wait until the noise dies down before answering.

“Weird.”

“What’s weird is looking at all these pictures of you and Ash as kids.” He mutters, picking up the next photo. “My mind doesn’t seem to comprehend that you knew her this whole time, that there was an entire life before us. I guess that’s stupid because obviously you had a life before us, we’ve only known you for five years, but it just occurred to me that we don’t really know you.”

I sigh, my head hanging low between my shoulders, my fingers twisting into the fitted sheet sittingin my hands.

“I’m sure this is really hard for you.” I drop the sheet and meet him where he stands.

Nothing in my room has changed. My dresser still sits on the wall opposite my bed, covered in a navy-blue duvet and light blue sheets. My desk to the left, under the window, covered in astrology stickers and a book that Ash gave me years ago, one I never got to read.

I take the photo from his hands, staring at it. Fifth grade graduation. Both wearing fake mortarboards, backpacks hanging low, holding each other with the cheesiest smile a kid can muster. Everything was so easy then. We were resilient, innocent, and free. All things we’ll never get back.

“Dude, not what I meant. It is hard to wrap my brain around all this because it’s literally insane, but that’s where my struggles end. I’m just worried about you and Ash.”

“Have you spoken to her?” I can’t help myself; I need to know.

“I spoke to Sam. Sounds like Ash needs some time to piece everything together.”

I nod, “I didn’t want her to stay.”

“What?”

“At first, I didn’t want her to stay. I knew it was never going to end well.”

Hypnos’ eyes widen, “Okay, it’s starting to make sense now. I totally thought you were losing it when she showed up, but I guess you kind of were.”

“I knew she was going to be my downfall. Even if I convinced myself I didn’t want to see her, didn’t still love her, didn’t still need her like I needed my own damn heart to live, it didn’t matter because all those things were lies. I knew what would happen if I gave in to her and I let it happen anyway. I let her implode my entire life and I would let her do it all over again as long as it brings her back to me.”

“Shit.” Hypnos squeezes my shoulder.

I finish making his bed, sliding into my own. Shutting off the lamp on my nightstand, I douse us in darkness, my ceiling lighting up with glow in the dark stars. Chuckling to myself, I find each constellation, remembering the time when Ash and I spent all day putting them up. Took forever because I had to redo all of her work, but really it was just the time spent together that mattered most.

“Apart from Ash, how are you really doing?” Hypnos voice is quiet.

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