Page 28 of The Significance of Moving On

“Epicene tendencies?”

“It means—”

“I know what it means.” I cut him off. “I just didn’t know you did.”

He shrugs. “Word of the day.” And then he taps his phone sitting in the holster on the dash, “there’s an app for that.”

This might be the deepest conversation Jesse and I have ever had. I mean, I always thought of us as surface level friends. But this feels more than surface level. I know it’s not a grow a vagina, sing kumbaya and paint our nails kind of feelings share but maybe he deserves a little more consideration from now on.

“Since we both know my life’s shit, how’s yours going?” I ask.

“Becca’s leaving.”

“Dude,no way. That sucks.” The two of them had been together since high school. Not married, but they started living together right after graduation. The last school I went to, Jesse went there too. We were friendly until Luke died and then I wasn’t anyone’s friend, but kind of hung out in the same circles.

He shrugs again. “Says she wants to move to Arizona. Her best friend, you remember Tammy Lindley?” I nod. “She lives in Arizona, says the weather’s great and the economy isn’t too bad.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I can’t stop her.” He turns facing straight ahead again, knuckles gripped tightly around the steering wheel. There’s more that he’s not saying. I open my mouth to actually ask when he rolls to a stop in front of my brother’s building, clearly ready to end the sharing. “See you tomorrow,” he says and I know when I’m being dismissed.

“Thanks for the ride.” I climb out and shut the door, anxious to get inside before Tal gets home and possibly comes looking for me.

I spend four days at my brother’s apartment sleeping on his lumpy couch, avoiding Tally’s calls by sending out lame texts. Work. Pizza for dinner. Sleep. The situation reminds me too much of the life I led before I met Tal.

When I check the calendar on my phone the morning of the fourth day, I realize it’s Friday, homecoming Friday—the game, not the dance. The dance is tomorrow night. I couldn’t get myself to sleep in my brother’s bed, knowing all he’s done in that bed, more importantly, who he’s done it with. As a result, I’ve been ornery, sleeping like shit, and when my phone lights up I neglect to pay attention to the name flashing on the screen and press the green button.

“Hey,” she says. “You’re a hard man to get a hold of.”

“Hey, yourself.”Shit. I recognize her voice right away. With no other choice than to go with it, I play the call cool, like I meant to answer. “Sorry. Just really busy.” I try to sound the tired that I am to not betray the lie I just told her.

“Come to the game with me—and before you say no, I miss you Casey. I miss us hanging out. Please come to the game with me.” She’s brave to have called me. I know how much it had to cost her to even dial my number after the last time we were together.

I don’t know if I can see her yet.

“Lot of houses on the books today.”

Then I hear the first sniffles. My body responds to those in ways I wish it wouldn’t. I let out a long-resigned breath and tell her, “Sure, I’ll be home at six.” I have to go home at some point, might as well be today.

“No. I’ll come get you… in mycar.” Her voice cracks on the word car and it’s uncharacteristically nasally.

To this I reach a hand up to scratch at my hair, feeling like a complete ass. “Don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying,” she lies, even though I can hear the tears behind every word.

“Got to get ready for work, okay?” I whisper.

“You’ll let me come get you?”

“Already said I would, sweetheart.”

She sucks in a breath, then she speaks. “Okay. Bye.” And she hangs up. Thank god she hangs up because it hurts, a real physical pain in my chest, to talk with her. I don’t know how I’m supposed to survive tonight. It’s my penance, though. For causing her more hurt.

All day I work like an animal, keeping busy with every task I can take on to avoid thinking about tonight. To avoid having to talk with Jesse who can sense my pissy mood and will want to confront me about it.

Last thing I want to tell him is how I keep messing things up with Tal. No one wants to admit they’re a moron, let alone a monster. Maybe I should tell her so we can be done with it. No. No, the plan. I stick with the plan, then she never has to know.

When she pulls into the parking space, I’m already outside waiting for her. It’s best to keep us in the realm of public scrutiny since apparently, I can’t control myself when we’re alone. She bounces in the front seat and it’s probably the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I honestly mean cuter than baby seals, that piano kitty or the puppy that barks ‘I love you’.

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