Page 35 of Forgive Me Father: For I Have Sinned

THE FIRST FEW WEEKSwere touch and go with Daniel. Butch recommended I increase my sessions with my therapist which is something I’ll be forever thankful for. Just as I’d thought the demons had been held at bay, allowing Butch and I to come together as one, life threw another curve ball at me and in rushed all the insecurities of my past. There were times when Butch and I were afraid to leave Daniel alone, my doctor offered to open some appointments for him, but he only refused. Little by little, he integrated himself back into his office duties. He didn’t spend any time out on the floor with the customers, which was something he’d always loved but we needed to let him handle things the way he saw fit. As far as the office work went, he didn’t have any choice when Sierra reminded me it was payday, and no one had given her the checks to hand out. I had to go up to the apartment and drag him out of bed. I threatened him with bodily harm,as though I would ever do that, if he didn’t shower first. At least that earned me a scowl, which was the first shift in his facial features I’d seen as of late.

When he’d finally had enough of daytime dramas and late night tv hosts, he started rejoining the human population from behind the bar serving. Daniel was a good-looking guy, who am I kidding, he was drop dead gorgeous in that hulking Fabio way and was repeatedly hit on by men as well as womenall of which he graciously declined. One of our regulars, Tyler, didn’t like being told no, but Butch kept a watchful eye on him whenever he was in the bar. If he ever got out of line, his ass would be bouncing against the sidewalk out front.

Every Sunday, just like clockwork, Daniel would go to the cemetery. Spending countless hours at Marcus’ gravesite. With each return, he’d walk in, take a shot of whiskey and head straight upstairs. This went on for the better part of two years when the streak finally came to an abrupt end. I asked him what gives, but he did nothing more than smile back at me and say, “you’ll find out soon enough.” Soon enough took place about ten days later when one night in walked Daniel with a younger, skinnier version of Marcus in the form of a boy, and I meant boy, named Greyson. It turned out he was only a few years younger than me, so the attitude I had with his age was cast aside.

I was up on stage, dancing toToni Braxton’s Unbreak My Heart, but the protective beast inside had me glancing at Daniel and his new arm candy tightly wound together out on the dance floor. When I caught Butch’s eye above the crowd, he winked and shrugged before returning to his perch at the front door. Shortly thereafter, Sierra interrupted them and followed Daniel to the office while Greyson headed over to the bar. Tyler and Billy were sitting at the end, eyeing Greyson curiously as he walked over. Something about this interaction made me get Butch’s attention. Once his watchful eye was on them, I resumed dancing.

Butch got up from his stool as Daniel walked over to them just as Greyson slammed his glass down on the bar top, said something to the pair and then turned to leaverunning right into Daniel. Butch stood back, waiting to see if he was needed, but after hands were shook and first Tyler then Billy left, Butch followed their retreating backs to the front door. In the interim, Daniel had taken Greyson away, and I’d lost sight of them as they reached the hall behind my stage.

I didn’t get a chance to meet him face to face that night, but it wasn’t long after that we were finally introduced. He was timid and shy, but while his looks reminded me of Marcus, his insecurity reminded me of myself when I first came into this scene. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was Daniel’s new pet project. It wasn’t long after they started dating that Daniel actually moved him into my old room. That I knew was short-lived as Daniel couldn’t keep his eyes off Greyson or the smile from his face when he was around, but in all honesty, it made me happy to see Daniel’s cheery nature return.

My sister Liv had graduated from UDUB, and I couldn’t have been prouder of her. Her summer internship went so well that she was offered a permanent position within the behavioral health industry in Seattle. She was living with us while saving money to get her own place and had decided it was ridiculously expensive to own a car in the city, so she decided to sell it. Daniel wanted to get Greyson a car so he wouldn’t have to keep picking him up from work late at night, so he bought it from her for him. He planned to give it to him as a Christmas present.

What shocked me the most was when Daniel asked me to give Greyson dance lessons. Given the fact that Daniel rarely asked me for anything, I was more than willing to do this for him no matter how awkward it might have been. He tried to pay me, but I refused. It was the least I could do after all he’d done for me. The first time Greyson got on stage with me, it was a little awkward, but he came into his own the more time we spent practicing. Eventually, he ended up quitting his job at the diner and joinedThe Nook’sdance team. His drunken pole dance, the night of his twenty-first birthday prompted me to push the issue. I’d mentioned to Daniel multiple times that we needed to grow our dance team, and after the tips, Greyson accidentally got that night, there was no denying it. When I approached him about it, he still wasn’t sold on the idea but said he’d leave the decision up to Greyson. His body, his call, he told me.

As our dance team grew, so did the bar’s capacity. Seemed most were there to watch us dance, so we added a second stage, removing a few of the tables to accommodate the extra bodies out on the floor. Greyson was going to college during the day at Seattle Pacific to get his business degree, dancing was a temporary gig in his eyes, so he only worked two to three nights a week. For me, I was a lifer and needed it, but he was forever pitching new ideas to Daniel to try and getThe Nookelevated to the next level, modernize it and upgrade our business status. Honestly, his ideas sounded great to me, but Daniel took a lot more convincing.

I may have gone into my new relationship with Greyson questioning his motives, but his loyalty and love for Daniel are what ultimately won me over in the end. He truly made my friend happy, and that sealed the deal. We were close in age, and although we came from different backgrounds, we still had many similarities. Honestly, I could easily say he’d become my best friend, although more times than not Butch had the overwhelming urge to smack the shit out of him for being a smart ass. I think that just added fuel to the friendship for me. I enjoyed watching them torment the hell out of each other. It was pretty damn funny although at times it felt much like babysitting.

The four of us would occasionally go out on double dates, which I adored. It was fun to get out with other friends who were also in committed relationships. Over the years, with the help of Butch, I’d seen my therapist so infrequently that I couldn’t recall the last time I’d actually been in her office. He’d attended a few of the sessions with me, and while I didn’t need him to be there, his emotional support meant a lot to me. Still, she was always open to seeing me whenever I needed her.

Halloween two-thousand-six changed my life exponentially. We’d been planning, well I’d been planning, a huge Halloween bash. Never had we done anything of that nature before, butThe Nookwas insanely busy, and customer after customer asked us to hold a Halloween party. I finally talked Daniel into doing it, promising him I’d take care of everything. He relented and gave me a budget to work within, which included prizes to give away. I was ecstatic, having chosen my costume months earlier. I was going as Marilyn Monroe, in the iconic white dress that she wore standing over the NYC grates as the air from beneath blew her skirt up.

My hair was now dyed platinum blonde, so if any of it fell out from beneath the wig, it wouldn’t be an issue. I was meticulous when it came to my cosplay, so I had all the details figured out down to the placement of the last bobby pin. Butch dressed up as James Dean fromRebel Without a Causeand looked hot as hell in his skin-tight white t-shirt, jeans, and leather jacket. My costume definitely riled him up, I didn’t so much as walk past the kitchen island on my way to our room to put on my nylons when I found myself pinned against the front of the refrigerator and told, “Spread ‘em,” before I was frisked and fucked until I came all over the front of it.

“Look at what you made me do,” I teased. “but now you get to clean it up.” I left him standing there, pants still down around his ankles while I went to our room to finish getting ready. God how I treasured our spontaneous moments.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice what underwear you were wearing,” he yelled down the hall to me. I’d purposely chosen to the wear the white manties he’d just bought me. Shortly after we moved in together, Butch shared his love of seeing me in sexy lingerie and began buying them as random surprises for me. That man got me on so many levels it was frightening at times.

Since it was my show to run and I really wanted to make a great impression, Butch and I got there early to decorate and get the buffet set up. We were only serving finger foods, but there was still so much prep work that needed to take place beforehand. I left him to hang the streamers and lights while I tended to the food. Sierra and Raphe, our new bartender, showed up early to help and I fanboyed over their Raggedy Ann and Andy costumes. Jazz dressed up as Zorro and Thad was a sexy as hell Clark Kent, all were absolutely brilliant. Our entire crew was working as we were expecting it to be a packed house. What we hadn’t anticipated was our patrons showing up early and the line winding around the outside corner of the building.

I had everyone in costume put their name, and what they were dressed as on a piece of paper and toss it into a glass fish bowl I’d put out. At the stroke of midnight, I’d do the prize drawings after walking around and judging each costume in turn. Employees weren’t allowed to enter, or I’m sure one of us would’ve won. Greyson was dressed as Spiderman and Daniel was a perfect rendition of Thor with his Viking stature. By the end of the night, I’d lost track of how many photos I’d posed for but Butch being Butch, was my ever-present protector, so not one of them stepped a toe out of line.

“Holy Mary mother of God,” Greyson said as I came into view. “You look fucking fabulous!”

“Why thank you, Mr. Fox,” I said in the Marilyn Monroe voice I’d been practicing for weeks, batting my fake eyelashes at him.

“Darling, you blow fabulous away,” Daniel told me, making me blush.

“Um babe,” Greyson said to Daniel, “check out the line outside. I hope we ordered enough of everything.”

“Well, it is what it is. If we run out, then we run out. I never anticipated drawing a crowd this large. It may be time for us to consider some more of the changes you keep begging my old ass for,” Daniel told him. There was hope yet for Greyson’s ideas to be implemented.

At that point we all disbanded, manning our stations. Mine was to hop up on stage and mingle with the crowd. Occasionally, I’d dance with random people for a song or two, but for the most part, I helped replenish snacks and make announcements. Microphone in hand as the midnight hour struck, I commanded their attention and proceeded to pick the winnerswhich wasn’t an easy task. There were so many fantastic costumes to choose from. I do have to say my love of Vampire novels came to light when I chose the big winner for the night. One of our regulars had dressed up as Vlad the Impaler fromBram Stoker’s Draculaand had I not known who he was outside of the costume, I easily would’ve mistaken him for Gary Oldman’s character were we to randomly meet on the street.

What a night, by the time the last body left the sun was rising, but we were far too tired to enjoy the beauty in it. Daniel and Greyson opted to open the bars since it was easiest for them to do so, but Sierra and Joel were coming in at noon to relieve them. Butch and I were thankful it was our normal day off, we were wiped out by the time we got into bed. Our heads hit the pillows with a thud, and we were out.

My subconscious was deeply entranced, chasing the sound of a bell but it couldn’t locate the source of it when Butch nudged me. “Baby, Jamie. Wake up.”

“Ugh, it’s our day off,” I whined.

“We have to get to the hospital,” he said. I bolted upright, my heart racing.

“Is it Liv? Is she okay? What happened?” I jumped out of bed, grabbing a random pair of jeans and slid a leg inside before realizing they were Butch’s.

“It’s Daniel. That was Sierra, the ambulance just left. He’s on his way Harborview.”

Harborview, fucking hospital. Just once I’d like to go for a good reason, like one of our friends or even my sister having a baby. Why did it always have to be for a shitty fucking reason?

We were the first to arrive, locating Greyson pacing in the lobby. He told us when he went to check on Daniel after Sierra came in for her shift that he found him still in bed and was unresponsive. The doctors hadn’t been out yet to let him know what was going on. Butch offered to get us some coffee when Jazz and Thad came in. While Greyson filled them in, Butch and I went to the cafeteria to get caffeine for the clan.

About two hours later, a doctor came in asking for Greyson. We stood as one, Greyson at the forefront. “I’m Dr. Stephens. Please follow me.” The five of us followed him around the corner to a private room. Once we were behind closed doors, he uttered the words I hoped to never hear. “Mr. Fox, I’m sorry, but Daniel didn’t make it.”

My world spun on its axis, but I needed to keep my wits about me and be strong for my friend. Again. But how was I to do that when my world had just shattered.Be strong Jamie, Greyson needs you.“What exactly happened, Dr. Stephens?” I asked him as Greyson’s legs gave out, Butch catching him midway to hitting the floor.

“Mr. Holloway suffered a massive heart attack. The paramedics tried to revive him but were unsuccessful. He was DOA upon being wheeled into the hospital. We guesstimate his time of death was about an hour earlier.” My head reeled, the doctor continued talking to Greyson, but I heard nothing. When Butch seated Greyson beside me, I got up to retrieve a bottle of water for him on impulse. What good I thought that would do I had no idea, but I felt like I needed to do something, and that was the first thought that came to me when I spotted the bottles.

The others continued to converse around me, but still, I heard nothing but the white noise in my head. I could see Greyson crying in Butch’s arms, but I heard none of it. Felt nothing. Numb. I’d already buried one brother, and now the other was gone too. Burying the last of the duo who’d single-handedly rescued me from myself. The self-destructive path I was on had only one end in sightmy demise. Now they were both gone.The Gods were playing a cruel fucking joke on me, they had to be.

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