Page 25 of Forgive Me Father: For I Have Sinned

BUTCH CAME INTO THEbar the following weekend to tell me in person he was leaving for a few weeks to play bodyguard to some spoiled rich kid who’d pissed off the wrong people. I hated that I wouldn’t be able to see him again before he left, but he assured me we’d talk or at the very least text every day. It would be challenging, but I already knew he was going to be worth it. No one had ever sparked an interest in me like he did. While I took the stage, he spent some time talking with Marcus and Daniel. Every time I snuck a glance to check up on them, they were either smiling or laughing, so it seemed all was well. It would’ve been extremely difficult if my friends didn’t like or trust him, and their opinions were important to me. After all, they’d seen me at my worst and were the ones to help me pick up the broken pieces and rebuild my life.

Olivia and I met for lunch the following Wednesday, we wanted to make it a regular thing, and those were the days her class load was the lightest. We decided on the café across the street fromThe Nookbecause she wanted to walk around Pike’s Market and play tourist since she hadn’t had the chance to see it yet.

“You’ve really come into your own, Jamie,” she said while we were walking past the comic book store on the lower level. “I’m so glad to see that. I was terrified they were going to do horrible things to you.”

“They did do horrible things to me Liv,” I told her, but refused to go into details.

“That priest isn’t there anymore,” she informed me.Ah, so she did have some idea as to what happened.“He got reassigned or some shit, at least that’s what Mom and Dad told me. Some of the kids at school said he got busted and one of the dads beat him to a bloody pulp. I guess the diocese had to step in because several parents filed charges against him.”

“Did Mom and Dad?” I asked, hopeful they’d done something positive for their only soneven if it wasn’t to my face.

“Nah, they turned the other cheek and ignored it.”

Of course, they did, their pansy ass son wasn’t worth it.

“So Liv, what are you majoring in?” I asked her as I scanned the clearance bin at the used book store. I’d been going there for years, purchasing random books that caught my eye. Most of the time I found them to be filled with fantastic tales. I loved getting lost in the worlds the authors created.

“Believe it or not, psychology. I’d like to become a child psychologist and specialize in LGBT youths and their families,” she said, continuing to read the blurb on the back of the book in her hand. Her declaration reached my heart. I knew on some level that stemmed from the way we were raised, and the more we talked about our childhood, the more I saw how much what they did to me, affected her.

“The more time I get to spend with you, the bigger my heart grows. I can’t deny there for a long time I’d lost all faith in humanity, in myself. Most days I woke up wishing I hadn’t. I won’t bore you with the gory details of my days on the streets but know that I’m in a better place now. Physically and emotionally and I really have Daniel and Marcus to thank for that.”

“Then so do I. Not a day went by where I didn’t want to run away to try and find you. There’s nothing wrong with a child wanting to play with toys society labels gender specific. The same goes for clothes. If wearing lace and frills makes you happy then I say go for it. Be true to yourself. Don’t let others try and fit you into the categories they see fit.” If an eighteen-year-old can see all of that and be open and accepting then why couldn’t others do the same?Hate and bigotry are taught at a young age, acceptance isn’t.

“Come on sis,” I said, wrapping my arm around her neck and pulling her tiny five-foot frame against mine. “Let your big brother buy you an ice cream cone.”

“You know me, I’ll never turn down frozen dairy products.”

We both ordered a cone crammed full of our sugary favorites, but before we left, I made a stop at the homemade donut counter to grab a bag of the mini cinnamon sugar donuts Marcus loved to take home. They still refused to let me pay rent, so I bought the groceries and did all the cleaning. Technically I could move out and into my own place, but after spending so many years solo, I found I much preferred the company of my friends and family to the loneliness of living alone.

The following month brought about my twenty-first birthday. I spent the day puttering around the apartment and working on a new routine I was trying to nail down while the guys were visiting Marcus’ family. I’d dressed in a pair of ballet slippers, short silk boy shorts, and a tight tank top and immersed myself in the freedom of the song. My arms waved wildly through the air like a bird in flight while dancing toKajagoogoo’sToo Shy. I was a big fan of the one hit wonders the eighties gave us and was slowly increasing their presence in Jazz’s playlist. As I completed a spin, bringing my right leg up, level with my body I saw someone standing inside the doorway and screamed at the top of my lungs.

“Sorry, sorry,” Butch said, “but you really need to keep this door locked.”

My fist was clutched against my chest where my erratically beating heart sat. “Jesus Christ, Butch, you scared the shit out of me!” I exclaimed.

“I’m sorry, I wanted to surprise you. Here,” he handed me a bouquet of flowers, the first ones I’d ever received, and I instantly forgave him for the near heart attack he gave me. “Happy birthday.”

“How did you know?” I asked, blown away by this. We’d barely been seeing each other for a few weeks, and I wasn’t even sure we were exclusive. In my mind we were, but we’d not had that conversation yet, and I didn’t know how to approach it.

“A couple little birdies told me. Made sure I was back in town for your special day.”

I bolted across the room, and into the kitchen to grab a vase. I didn’t want him to see the tears I was fighting back at his thoughtful gesture. Going into this, whatever this was looking like a big ass baby wasn’t the start I wanted us to get off to.

“May I just say how much I’m enjoying this ensemble you’ve thrown together?” I blushed at his words, but when I snuck a peek at him the hunger in his eyes spoke volumes. ThoughI wasn’t ready for us to go there, not yet. I needed to make sure he liked Jamie the man and not Jamie the fuckable unlovable freak. “Do I make you nervous?” he asked his breath ghosting across the back of my neck, forcing shivers through me.

“A little,” I whispered, pretending like I knew how to properly display the floral arrangement in front of me.

“Why?” he said, spinning me around to face him.

“Because you have the ability to hurt me,” I told him, every word laced with more honesty than I’d intended to share.

Tilting my chin up, he stared me directly in the eye. “Jamie, you’ll always be safe with me,” he said, sealing his words with a kiss. “Now, how about you put that sweet little ass in some clothes, and I take the birthday boy to dinner?”

“Okay,” I said, rushing through the room, “give me twenty, no thirty minutes tops.” He shook his head, grinning, and took a seat on the couch before grabbing the remote control. I dashed off to shower away the sweat my earlier workout caused, dressing and glamming myself as fast as I could. I emerged exactly twenty-three minutes later, and the smile on his face when he saw me made taking the extra time to get ready more than worthwhile. “Shall we go?”

“Absolutely.” Ever the gentleman, he held the door open for me and waited while I locked it behind us. Given his size and previous events in my life, I fully expected to be uncomfortable in his presence. Oddly enough, I was experiencing the opposite reaction, and as time pushed on, I wanted to spend every available moment we had together.

During the weeks he was away, we’d spent countless hours on the phone getting to know one another. As difficult as it was to recount my past, I told him everything. From my parents kicking me out to having to sell my soul to survive. I assured him I was at a good point in my life and hoped I’d never need to travel those roads again. On a personal note, I told myself I’d do everything within my control to see it that I never had to live that way and if given a chance, I hoped to pay it forward for others as Daniel and Marcus had done for me. Kinda like carrying on their legacy.

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