Page 19 of Forgive Me Father: For I Have Sinned

ISHOWED UP FORmy first shift the next morning at nine a.m. like they’d asked me to. The place was closed until ten, but Daniel let me in when he saw me standing on the sidewalk outside. Because I was underage, I wasn’t allowed behind the bar, but the bartenders washed the glasses by hand in the sink behind it, so I shouldn’t need to be. Since they only served bar food; wings, burgers, fries, etc., most of the dishes consisted of plastic baskets, silverware, and glasses. He showed me how to operate the dishwasher and where the supplies were. There was no chef, everyone on staff helped with the cooking except for me.

They gave me a stack of branded shirts to wear while I was on shift and told me I could wear jeans with them. After I changed my shirt and tied on an apron, my day began. I cleared dishes from the tables, wiping them and the seats off afterward, and put the condiments back in place, refilling them as needed. Then I took the dished to the back, washed, and restocked them for the servers to use. Simple enough.

My shifts would mostly be at night since I was of age there were no curfew restrictions. I was used to working at night, so that worked well for me.

Over the next few weeks, I learned so much about them. Marcus was a renowned architect whose specialty was preserving historic buildings. He’s the one who informed me that my building was slated to be revamped and turned into luxury condos. He didn’t have the exact date, but we’d already decided I was going to take them up on their offer to move in. Though I insisted on paying rent. I sucked at cooking so making that offer would’ve been detrimental to everyone’s health. Daniel was actually a lawyer but grew tired of defending those who didn’t deserve it. Said it took its a toll on him, and that’s when they made the decision to buy the building and reopen the bar on the first floor.

They included me in dinners, volunteer outings at the shelter, community events. You name it. I fell in love with the kids at the LGBT youth center and found myself there more and more during my off hours. Marcus’ travel schedule increased with each LGBT center he designed or redesigned in some cases, so my decision to move in and keep Daniel company pleased them both. Really, I didn’t like being alone and enjoyed hanging out with my honorary big brothers. It filled me with a sense that I was helping them, even though I knew better but that thought kept the feeling of worthlessness at bay.

Every employee atThe Nookwas either a community member or an ally. Our server Sierra loved to design clothes but didn’t want to do it as a full-time job. She said once you start having to do something it takes away the allure and enjoyment in it. She did manage to talk me into being her crash test Barbie for new outfits she came up with, and I had to admit, I freaking loved it. I could be open and honest with her about my love of silk and lace, and as I could afford it, I insisted on paying her for her designs that worked perfectly for me. It wasn’t much, but she was thrilled to see me in them, and her girlfriend loved the change in her attitude that came along with it.

I’d finally found my home, my place in life, my family. Family by choice which in my case was far better than the family I had by blood. On my nights off after I’d come home from volunteering with the kids, I’d dress the way I felt the most like myselfslim fit slacks, loose silk shirt with a lace cami underneath and my beloved high heeled boots. I spent countless hours walking around the apartment in them while I cleaned it. Dancing to the music playing over the radio. Daniel and Marcus said they’d never seen a sexier pair of legs on a man in their life. Now I’d found two things about myself I loved, my eyes and my legs.

One night though, I got a wild hair up my ass, and once I had myself dolled up, I went downstairs to join the crowd of dancing bodies. This was a way to not only test my newly found self-confidence but what others perception of it would be. I knew deep down that I shouldn’t care what others thought. However, my inner child still feared the potential verbal and physical lashings that often times accompanied such bullying. I felt like it was anow or nevermoment.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs in the alleyway that led up to our apartment, I drew in several deep, steadying breaths.You can do this Jamie.I mentally repeated that to myself before taking the key to the back door from my pocket and let myself inside. Standing in the corner of the dark corridor, my pulse sped up, and I turned to head back out. I couldn’t do this. With my hand on the doorknob, a voice behind me said, “My God, you’re a vision in silk.”

I turned to find Marcus, Daniel, and Sierra standing there. Marcus’ compliment hung in the air like a neon sign. The trio’s mouths turned up in smiles that bore nothing but love, and as the warmth filled me, my self-confidence re-emerged. “Are you okay with me being in the bar tonight dressed this way?”

“Okay with it?” Daniel questioned, clearly confused.

“Babe, you look hot as hell,” Sierra said, hugging me.

“I’d be honored to dance with you,” Marcus said, setting my face on fire.

“Thanks. This has been a long time coming, and I have all of you to thank for it.” When our group hug broke free, Marcus took me by the hand pulling me past a smiling Daniel and out onto to the dance floor. As we stepped out, Jazz the DJ changed to the next song, and I had to laugh asI’m Too SexybyRight Said Fredcame on.

The freeing emotions blazing through me were beyond words. For the first time in my life, everything felt right, and I was free to be me. I lost count of how many men and women I danced with. Daniel, Marcus, and Sierra popped in from time to time for a song before returning to their duties. I committed no sins, broke no vows, hurt no one, and at that moment I knew without a doubt that being born this way wasn’t wrong. It was one hundred percent right for me.

By the end of the night, I jumped up on the stage and danced by myself. The smile on my face was bright and steady, but I was stunned when the first song ended to find all eyes in the crowd on me. My face flushed and when I tried to step down, it was met with a chorus of boos. Daniel walked up on stage and spoke above them. “Hey everyone, calm down. Let me ask you something.” The silence was deafening, and I was frozen in place. “Who here would like to see Jamie continue dancing on stage?”

The screams and claps his question elicited was off the decibel charts, and I was now blushing for a whole other reason. “Well then Jamie, after you drink a gallon of water, I’d like to let you know the stage is yours. Permanently if you’d like to become our full-time dancer?”

What the actual fuck?

An empty beer pitcher was placed at the front of the stage, and people started putting money into like you would a tip jar. The DJ queued upSlow MotionbyColor Me Baddwhich was met with another round of applause.Water be damned, my ass was dancing to this song whether parched or not. My silk shirt was drenched and sticking to my skin. Seductively, I swayed to the beat, unbuttoning it and shimmying it off my shoulders before swinging it toward the side of the stage which was met wolf whistles. I’d forgotten I wasn’t alone. Daniel might be right, I may have finally found my calling and to think I was afraid the lace cami wouldn’t be well received. These were my people.

My body didn’t stop until the bar made its last call, I’d never been embraced by more people than I had that night and if Daniel’s job offer was realI was all over it.

I heard Sierra before I saw her as I was bent over, wiping the sweat from my neck with my shirt. “Oh my GAWD, oh my gawd, oh my ever loving gawd!” she yelled.

“What?” I questioned, somewhat panicked.

“You were AH-mazing!” she sang.

“Jesus Sierra, you scared the crap out of me. I thought something happened, but thank you,” I said before taking a huge drink of water from the glass she’d brought me. “Do you think Daniel’s offer was for real?”Please let it be real, please let it be real.

“Not only is it real,” Daniel said, appearing out of nowhere, “but Marcus is insistent upon installing a pole on stage for you to dance around.”

“Um, what?” I’d never danced around a pole in my life.

“Come in the office, let’s talk,” Daniel said as he walked away, expecting me to follow him.

“Okay gorgeous,” Sierra giggled then kissed my cheek. “I want to hear all about it tomorrow. Love you!”

I walked into the office in a complete daze to the smiling faces of the two men I shared an apartment with. “Jamie, wow. Just…wow.” Marcus said, trailing off lost in thought.

“It takes a lot to make that man speechless,” Daniel laughed, “but you my friend have succeeded. Take a seat.” I knew I wasn’t in trouble but still had that eerie feeling like I was in grade school, sitting in the principal’s office about to get scolded. “Jamie, you just took this bar up a notch, the job is yours to do with as you see fit. You’ve been working for us for nearly a year, and we couldn’t be happier. The friendship we’ve formed is irreplaceable and whether you like it or notyou’re a part of our family.”

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