Page 50 of In the Shadows

Chapter

Ten

Today was day five of the pentobarbital reduction days, and the day the drip was to be removed for good. The swelling was starting to subside, but we’d seen no reaction from Joey. No signs of anything and after three weeks in a coma, we’d hoped for better. I tried with all my might not to give up, I owed that to him, but damn it, it was hard to keep the demons invading my brain at bay.

Night after night, I sat beside him sharing what had happened during the passing days, which wasn’t much. Time and again I’d recount and share memories from our past, repeatedly telling him how much he was loved and that he needed to come back to us. It felt selfish to utter those words,come back to us, when I knew he needed to win this battle himself. But my heart kept getting in the way as another week had passed with no response from Joey.

My dreams, well more like nightmares had filled with Joey’s screams and I feared I was losing myself to them. Waking drenched in sweat, tears rolling down my face and with each one I felt Joey being pulled further and further away from me. The most current one forced me awake when the face of my caregiver, the person pulling me away came into focus.

Joey…he was screaming again, a pain-filled, blood-curdling scream, but I couldn’t move. He yelled my name, Stoli! Hold on, baby, I’m coming I hollered back. I just have to…ugh…what’s on me? Get the fuck off, let me go! I screamed louder. Pushing at the hands pulling at me. Why are they grabbing me? Was I dead? Dying? No! Let me go, Joey needs me. Joey! Sunlight shone through, or was it a flashlight? Joey needs me, let me go I yelled. The man looked back at me, Calm down, they’re getting him. You’re in no state to move. You need medical attention. He told the guy beside him to grab the gurney. Wait, what? I yelled for Joey again. Looking into the face of the man holding me at bay, I found myself staring back at my father as he told me not to give up the fight. Joey was nearer than I knew. Dad! I screamed, trying to reach for him as he faded away into the light. I love you, Ricky. The words disappeared along with him.

“I think you should talk to someone about the nightmares you’ve been having,” Joe’s voice so near surprised and shocked me.

“Joe, my dad,” I cried.

He turned, staring blankly back at me.

“He said not to give up the fight, that Joey was closer than we knew. Do you think? Ugh, this is so stupid.” I stood and began pacing.

“Do I think what?” he questioned.

Stopping in front of him, I reluctantly asked, “Do you think it’s possible for the dead to come to us in our dreams?” I felt stupid even saying the words, but I couldn’t help myself. My grasp on reality was rapidly dwindling and I found it hard to even care what others thought of me anymore, let alone care how I felt about myself.

“Wow,” he said, taking a deep breath, “I guess I never thought about it. I want to say no but hell anymore I don’t know what to believe in.” His eyes landed on Joey.

“I’ve got to get out of here for a while. Call my cell if anything changes.” I dressed in a rush, grabbing my coat and bolting out of the room so fast I damn near took down the nurse as she was coming in.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, moving past her.

She said nothing, just continued on.

Hidden behind what had quickly become my public costume consisting of a winter coat, beanie, horribly patchy facial hair and dark sunglasses, I once again wandered aimlessly through the streets of Boston. My mind filled with worries of what the coming days would bring. The longer he took to wake up, if he ever did, the harder the choices we’d need to make would be. The doctor informed us we’d likely need to consider moving him to a long-term care facility, the thought of which was far more than I could handle right now.

When I walked back into the room, Joe was holding my notebook reading the song I’d just finished writing. Tears streamed down his face.

“I never doubted your love for my boy before, but these lyrics just secured your place in my heart. You’re the right man for my son.” He pulled me into his arms, whispering, “He’ll be all right. He has to be.” Then the strong man standing before me broke down, drawing another meltdown from me in the process. But it felt good to be held while letting it all out.

That night, for the first time, I carefully crawled in bed beside Joey and read him the lyrics:

Who I’ve Become

Your love has made me the man that I’ve become

Once battered and bruised, thought beyond repair

No longer a shattered man

Trapped alone inside an empty shell

I couldn’t see the light, for the tunnel was black

Convoluted and shrouded by a cloud of despair

Eating away at me bit by bit

Until there was nothing left to spare

The pressure built till I’d reached my breaking point

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