Page 16 of Behind the Lights

“How was your party?” Ricky asked, taking his first bite.

“It was good. Looks like you two stayed out of trouble last night,” she said, but I knew she’d seen us curled up on the couch together which made me blush. If she noticed the heat in my cheeks, she let it go without mentioning. I knew it wasn’t the first time that’d happened, but I guessed it was the first time I’d really thought about it.

“Hey Stoli—” I stood to take my plate to the sink, only to have Mary’s hand meet the back of my head. “Ouch!” I rubbed my head with my free hand.

“His name is Ricky,” she scolded, but the anger didn’t reach her eyes, so I knew she wasn’t mad and he was doubled over laughing.

“I’m gonna head home, I told my dad I’d help him with some stuff around the house today. Come over later if you want,” I said as I headed out.

My dad was sitting in the living room watching football when I came in. “Everything go alright last night?” he asked without looking away from the screen.

“We fell asleep watchingReturn of the Jedi. Hey Dad, did you know Ricky’s dad in high school?” Not sure why that popped into my head, but now I was curious.

“Yeah, I did. He was a good guy. Shocked the hell out of all of us when he said he signed up to be a Marine. Found out Mary was pregnant the week before he left for boot camp.” He took a drink from his coffee cup. “Why do you ask?”

“I dunno. I guess because Mary went on a date last night, so I was just wondering. She seems really happy with Brett,” I shared.

“She deserves to be happy, she’s a good person and loved Tommy, Ricky’s dad. They were both excited when they found out she was pregnant, they went to the courthouse that same day and got married. Crushed her when Tommy was killed.” He sighed. “Tommy was my best friend.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that. You don’t talk much about, well, anything so I don’t know much about your past.”Ugh, I cringed, not sure if I should have gone there or not. But realizing I didn’t know much about my dad kinda bummed me out.

“Well son, I know we had a couple rough years after your mother left. But I’d like to think we’ve gotten past that. I promise from here on out, I’ll answer any questions you have as honestly as I can.” He turned, finally looking at me. “Why don’t you go on up and shower, when you come back down we can sit and chat for a bit before we tackle our chores. Sound like a plan?”

I smiled, and nodded before heading up to shower, contemplating the millions of questions floating around in my head, but chose to address the ones that had always been on the forefront. I didn’t want to overwhelm or upset him when it seemed like he was finally opening up to me.

When I came back downstairs, my dad wasn’t in the living room. I figured he’d decided to hide rather than face my inquiry. Just as I turned to head back up to my room, he came in from the garage with a box in his hands.

“Have a seat, son.” He gestured toward our battered old couch. “I figured I’d jump right in and then you can ask any questions you still might have after that.” He took his usual seat in the recliner.

“As you know, your mother and I met in high school our junior year. For me, it was love at first sight. And I thought she felt the same.” He sighed, opening the lid on the shoe box and pulled out a picture of them and handed it to me. “This was us at our junior prom. Don’t laugh, yes that is a tux I’m wearing and not a very good one I might add.” His strained smile told me this reminiscing was going to be hard on him.

I ran my finger over the picture, smiling at how young and happy they both looked. My dad’s tux was awful, I had to agree with him on that. Some sort of baby blue and white with a frilly shirt. But to see them both together, warmed my heart.

“She was my world, but as time wore on, we grew apart. We found out about you just before Mary and Tommy did, but we hadn’t shared it with anyone at your mother’s request. One thing you don’t know is that we never got married. Another request your mother had made. I was ready to marry her the day we both turned eighteen, I was so in love with her. I don’t want you to think your mother was a bad person, she wasn’t, but I guess I was too blinded to see she her heart wasn’t in it as much as mine was.”

He continued mindlessly thumbing through the pictures in the box, smiling from time to time, grimacing at others. “Here’s a picture of the four of us on graduation day.”

“Wow, Stoli, I mean Ricky looks just like his dad.” My dad frowned but said nothing about my Stoli mistake.

“Yeah, he does. Has his disposition too. Very calm, even keeled. Mary and Tommy were a great fit, still hurts to think he’s gone. Tommy and I were a lot like you and Ricky, together since we were kids. We didn’t live next door to each other, but in the same neighborhood. I was kinda hurt when he didn’t tell me he was thinking of joining the military. But it is what it is, just sucks he paid the ultimate price for it in the end.”

“Dad, why do you think Mom left us?” This question had been eating away at me since the day she left.

“Well, I have my own theories on that, son, but your mother has always been a free spirit and wasn’t meant to becagedlike an animal which she liked to point out to me. The unhappier she was, the more she drank. The more she drank, the more we fought. The more we fought, the more I drank. I have a lot of regrets in my life, Joey, but having you isn’t one of them. Have I ever told you that you have your mother’s eyes?”

“No,” I answered, but shook my head at the same time.

“Well, you do. And I’m thankful for that, her hazel eyes were one of the things I loved best about her. There was a time when I was envious of her free spirit, but now I look at you and only feel pity for her because she lost out on you.”

I eyed a rogue tear streaming down my father’s cheek. I’d never seen him cry before, not even after she left. That act alone had my tears following his.

“So much for not getting emotional, huh?” He smiled.

“I’m sorry, Dad, I didn’t mean to make things harder for you. I just, well you know, had a lot of questions. I always thought it was my fault she left.” That last word only increased my sadness as my tears became uncontrollable.

My dad came and sat beside me, wrapping his arms around me. “No son, you were never the reason for your mother leaving. We just weren’t meant to have her. But she gave me you, so I have nothing to complain about. I may not say it enough, hell, I probably don’t say it at all and I’m sorry for that. But Joey, I love you and I’m proud of you.”

I buried my face in the front of his shirt, letting the sorrow I’d held onto for so damn long break free. I’d needed to hear those words more than he would ever know, needed it to be able to release what I’d been holding in. I needed it to finally say goodbye to the mother I never really had and break free of the hold I’d allowed her to have on me for far too long.

---