Page 61 of Behind the Lights

“Not very well, look at our shit.”

“Man, I try to stay out of your guy’s mess,” Diamond said, “But he’s killing himself and dragging the band down with him.”

“You need to tell him, dude,” Mickey added.

“You both need to stay out of it. I’ll tell him when it’s time, but when he’s on a major downward spiral that’s not the right time. We need to get him straight first,” Stoli warned them. That was the last thing I heard before passing out on the bathroom floor in the pile of towels we’d left there the night before. I’d curled up into the fetal position, wishing everything would end. My bandmates hated me, my best friend hated me and worst of all, I hated me.

The door opened and Stoli came inside with a pile of my clothes in hand. He’d managed to put on a pair of jeans whereas I was still naked. “Here’s your clothes. Easton’s pissed and sent an Uber for us. Maiden left and we’re headed home today.” He turned to walk away when I found my voice.

“Why did you help me?” My teeth were chattering, and I was freezing. He kneeled beside me, sliding my shirt over my head and arms.

“Because I’ll always love you. You’re my best friend and I’m here to help you. No matter how badly you hurt me.”

I started crying. “I love you too, my brother, but I’m so fucking miserable.”

He grabbed my boxers, sliding them on and when he reached my thighs I lifted just enough for him to get them situated before he put my socks on and started helping me with my jeans. “Do you think you can stand long enough to get your pants on and brush your teeth?”

Bang, bang, bang.

“There are other people here who need the bathroom too,” Mickey yelled while banging on the bathroom door.

Stoli shook his head. “The guys are really pissed at you. I wish I could tell you this was going to be an easy ride home, but I’d be lying if I did.” He held his hand out to help me up but pulled me into a hug rather than letting me go when I stood. “You need help, Joey,” he said as he released me and left the bathroom.

I brushed my teeth and ran a quick brush through my hair knowing I’d throw on a baseball cap and hide as best I could behind my Ray Bans as I’d been doing for the last several weeks. When I opened the door, I found two very angry faces standing on the other side of it. This was going to be a long day.

The ride back to the bus was done in total silence. My shades were dark enough that no one could see my eyes, but the humiliation I felt as the memories from last night came back to me was soul crushing. I had to get my shit together and it had to be fast.

I’m not ready to die.

Once everyone was situated and we were on the road, Easton addressed the group, “Not sure if now is the time to mention this, but dad wants to know if you’ve gotten any songs written? The label is asking you to put out another CD within the next six months in order to fulfill your contractual obligations.”

“Yeah, we have a couple finished and I’ve started three more. You guys got anything?” Stoli asked around.

I grabbed the notebook out of my duffle bag and handed it to him. As he thumbed through it, I saw him shake his head and sigh. “There are a couple more in here, some are pretty fucking dark, so we’ll need to edit them.”

“No time like the present. We have three days until we get home so let’s hash out as much as we can,” Diamond said reaching for the notebook.

“Let’s print a few copies out so everyone can make notes on them,” Stoli said as he pulled out his notebook. We had a small office area set up with a wireless printer, so he went to make the copies on it before handing them out to the three of us.

“All right, I’ll let Dad know so he can inform the label.” He grabbed his laptop off the table and started typing.

My mood wasn’t much lighter than it had been these last few months, but last night’s revelation into just how fucked up I’d let things get told me it was sink or swim time with my brothers. If I didn’t pull my head out of my ass and fast, I was out.

The humiliation of being thrown out of my own band would do me in if the drugs and alcohol didn’t first.

I knew if that happened it would well and truly be the end of me. I’d never survive it. These were my boys and I had a massive redemption to plan and execute.

I took my notes and headed to my bunk. It felt like all eyes were on me and I couldn’t concentrate. While they probably weren’t looking at me, my psyche was psyching me out into believing that and there was no place for paranoia in this already fucked up equation. I pushed the negative thoughts aside as best I could and got to work tweaking my lyrics and making notes on Stoli’s. At least he was thinking with the band in mind as he’d even written what I assumed he wanted to be our mantra with the lyrics to Blood Brothers. Nothing needed fixing on that one, he nailed it and I’d make sure we’d get back to being the band those lyrics were about.

“Guys,” Easton yelled a couple hours later. “Lunch break or work through until dinner time?”

“Dinner,” we yelled in unison and got back to work.

“Hey, Joey,” Stoli hollered down from his bunk.

“Yeah?” I crawled out to stretch my legs after sitting in my bunk for so long.

He threw back his curtain. “Some of this shit is pretty fucking depressing.”

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