Page 58 of Behind the Lights

“Everything okay down there?” Stoli whispered from his bunk above, the other guys were still soundly snoring.

“No,” I groaned, roughly rubbing the palms of my hands against my eyes.

Stoli pulled back the curtain around my bunk, assessing the situation before taking the tack board out of my hand and plopping down beside me.

“I really fucked things up between us, didn’t I?” I asked, but couldn’t face him. I couldn’t bear to see the disappointment on his face.

“It’s all good,” he said, but I knew it wasn’t.

“Wanna listen to some tunes?” I asked, holding up one side of my earbuds to him in the hopes of changing the subject. I needed the comfort of my best friend in a bad way.

“Sure.” He slid the tack board under my bunk before scooting up beside me, sharing space like old times. Having him near me calmed me enough that I eventually fell back to sleep.

When we woke, it was to Easton’s voice alerting us that we’d arrived in Denver. Our next show wasn’t until tomorrow night, but we were starving and decided to head to a nearby pizza joint. Afterwards, we went back to the bus and vegged out playing Call of Duty online until everyone had had enough and called it a night. Easton managed to set up the pull-out couch to sleep on this time and the bus driver crashed on the couch opposite him.

Things were calm, for the moment, but when the guys started pairing off at the party after the Denver show, I once again found myself drowning my sorrows with my good friend Jack. Jealous that they had someone even just for the night and I had nothing. Maiden had a room for us so this time we came with bags in hand to avoid abusing Easton any more than we already did. Jack and I headed to our room, grabbing a second bottle on the way out the door and I noticed the guards were clocking my every move, so I didn’t deviate from my path. But it irked me that I was being watched. I sat in the hotel room, flipping between mindless tv stations and drinking myself into oblivion.

I had no idea when the guys came to bed, but when I woke the next morning I found I’d somehow stripped down to my boxers before I’d passed out. The guys were still sleeping so I slinked out of bed and into the shower, letting the hot water beat the alcohol out of me while wallowing in self-pity.

The more I drank, the more the guys ignored me, or was I ignoring them? I divided my time between writing songs, drinking alone and performing. I’d even stopped going to the after parties, opting to be alone in the cocoon I’d wrapped myself in.

One day during a sound check, I shared the lyrics for the songBlackI’d written with the guys. As I started reciting the lyrics, Stoli came up and snatched them from my hand reading them aloud:

I know that look in your eyes

It came as no surprise that you were leaving

I should have listened when they said

Your love was all but dead

There’s no believing in you anymore

In you

I’m my own worst enemy

Fighting the demons inside me

You’ve awoken a beast I didn’t know lived within

Look what you’ve done to me

I’m so lost I can’t see

Hidden in the dark abyss

Chorus:

Now my world’s turned to black

There’s no fucking turning back

I’ve wasted enough of my time

We’ve said our last goodbyes

I’ll hear no more of your lies

---