Page 19 of Behind the Lights

“I um.” I rubbed my hands together before deciding to blurt it out, like ripping a Band-Aid off in a single pull. “I’mgayandIneedtoknowhowtotellmydad.”There, whew.But he was sitting beside me cracking up. I nudged him, “Dude, it’s not funny. This is serious.”

“Yeah but you saying it like one giant word is freaking funny.” We turned to his mom and Brett who were sitting there staring at us.

“Ricky,” Mary began, “none of this is funny, you’re right, Joey, it is serious.” She gave Stoli the evil eye shutting him up. “I think you don’t give your dad enough credit. While this may come as a shock, I know you mean the world to him and he’s not going to be mad. I think he’ll surprise you.”

Well, that didn’t help at all, but at least I’d told somebody I trusted so saying the words aloud again might just make it a bit easier the next time I said them… Maybe…

“Do you want me to be there when you tell him?” Stoli asked.

“Nah, I need him to be honest with me when I tell him and having you there might make him clam up.” I knew my dad wouldn’t hit me or kick me out, at least I hoped he wouldn’t. But I didn’t want to put him in an awkward position by having Stoli there while having such a serious talk as this was going to be.

“I say you tell him after dinner. Come on, let’s go eat.” We stood to follow Mary, only she surprised me when she stopped and hugged me. “You’ll be fine, Joey, trust me.”

“You’re one of the few people I do trust in this world,” I told her, and she squeezed me harder. Stoli and I were both taller than her now. She was a tiny woman standing five-foot-two with the same auburn hair and brown eyes with gold flecks as her son. But Stoli and I were both almost six feet tall at this point and we’d only just hit our growth spurt.

After dinner, I headed home. Chanting the whole way, “You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.”

When I walked inside, I found my dad watching tv from the comfort of his favorite chair. The same chair I sat in earlier as I told my best friend what I was about to inform my dad of. If he didn’t notice me, I could just…

“Hey son,” he said without turning around.

“Uh, hi Dad.” I twisted my hair around my finger.Damn, it’s getting long.

“Everything alright?” He turned to face me.

Fuck it, it’s do or die time.

“Um, I need to talk to you.” I was shaking, way beyond nervous.

“Does this have anything to do with the school calling to say you never made it to the office?”

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.

“Yeah.” I started pacing back and forth behind the couch.

“Son, you’re making me nauseous. Why don’t you take a seat and tell me what’s going on inside that head of yours?”

I froze and before I could engage my brain, my mouth blurted out, “I’m gay.”

He said nothing. Just stared at me, blankly.

I never wanted to run more than I did in that very moment.This was exactly what I was afraid of and now he fucking hates me. I know he does.I headed for the stairs, just as I reached them he spoke.

“Son. I can tell you’re waiting for me to yell or worse, but you won’t be getting that response from me, not tonight and I hope not ever. I know I’ve done wrong by you in the past, and I swore I’d never to that again. While I can’t say this is easy to accept – and not for the reason you’re thinking, but more out of fear for the way others will treat you. All I want is for you to be happy. If that means you’re with another man, well then, so be it. But you and your happiness are what matters most to me.”

I ran straight over to him, he stood, fully embracing me and I cried. As we were hugging, I realized I was the same height as my old man. A thought that made me smile at a time when I needed it most.

When we parted, he asked, “So, wanna tell me what happened at school today?”

“Well, today’s been an enlightening day for me to say the least. And, um. Something happened when I noticed a new guy in class at the same time the teacher called me up to the chalkboard and I was,” I gestured to my crotch, “so embarrassed I didn’t want to stand up and I um, I told the teacher I was good and didn’t need to go to the front board as he’d asked me to.” Fuck, that was just as embarrassing to tell him as it was to live through it the first time.

“Ha-ha, understood, son. You’ve never been in trouble before and if you were going to conjure up a lie I sure as hell hope it would be one that didn’t involve such an embarrassing moment.”

My dad was full of surprises today, although, I don’t know why I should be surprised by any of this. We haven’t had any issues between us for years.

“Yeah, I’ll make sure I have better self-control from now on. I’m sorry I ditched, Dad, but, ugh.” Telling my dad that I popped wood for another guy was not something I ever thought I’d have to live through.

The next day at school went okay. I mostly stayed off everyone’s radar, well except for the four of us and after telling my dad what happened filling them in was easy. And as usual, they couldn’t care one way or another. My friends were fucking cool. We were like a band of brothers.

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