Page 37 of Hawke
“Good, and I have something else that will really make you feel better!” I opened the bright yellow envelope, and it showed a picture of a puppy dog on the front. Despite the mattress being soaked with his sweat, I curled up next to him, holding it out so we could both see.
The puppy on the card was wearing a cone around its head, looking so pitiful. Then on the inside it said, “At least you don’t have to wear a cone.”
Hawke barked out a laugh. It rumbled through the room. I didn’t think it was that funny, but he obviously loved it.
And that started my thing of giving him cheesy cards.
But I had never received one. Instead, I was gifted with teddy bears from the fair and clothes and shoes that I didn’t need. All I wanted was for him to tell me he cared.
“You can smile, you know,” Hawke said, coming out from next door.
And he ruined the moment.
“What the heck are you doing in that room?” I glared, holding the card to my chest.
Hawke sheepishly stepped out, his black shirt stretched tight across his chest.
Not fair at all, showing all those big muscles.
“It’s the room I rented when I found you. I can’t stay away from you,” he said desperately.
“I thought you would be long gone by now. You got your kiss. I’m surprised to see you around.”
I picked up the roses. I shouldn’t keep them, but they were so beautiful, and I had never been given something so grown up.
“Dede, I never wanted to hurt you–”
“But you did, and look where we’re at now? You have hurt me for years. This is over. Whatever we were. I gave you a chance, and you blew it.” I took the roses and went inside my apartment. I wasn’t quick enough to lock the door, and Hawke stood in the doorway, letting himself in.
“Get out!” I snapped. “You are such a walking red flag, you know! Stalking me, watching me, following me states away to come to find me after you said we would be nothing more. I could call the cops on you, you psycho!”
Hawke shook his head, approaching me and taking the flowers and putting them on the table. “Yeah, but you liked it. You like how I look after you, even when I pushed you away.”
And I did. I did like that he still looked out for me. It was sick and wrong, especially with my past. I was used to always being watched. But with Hawke, it was different. He did it out of duty for my protection, and I had hoped because he had deeper feelings for me.
I wanted to be the woman to fix him, but I was obviously not that woman.
“But you want nothing more from me. It’s best if you stop,” I whispered.
Hawke stepped forward as I stepped back. This continued until I landed on the other side of the room, pinned to the wall. Both of his arms pushed against the wall on either side of my head, his face so close to mine. “You and I both know we can’t stay away from each other, Dede. Not in a million years. The only reason I kept pushing you away was because I’m no good for you.”
I scoffed, crossing my arms.
“Yeah, you also said I was no good either. You said I was broken, and you couldn’t deal with it.” My lip quivered, recalling his harsh words.
As I ran my hand up and down my arm, the rush of embarrassment returned, and I felt as though I was experiencing those emotions all over again, my heart hurt.
“Dede, you are killing me.” Hawke’s voice sounded pained. He tried to come closer, but I slid from under his arms and walked away from him.
His closeness was stifling. I wanted to forgive him, like all the other times, just so I could hold on to one more moment of what we had.
I’d relive those kisses all my life, but this couldn’t continue. It was unhealthy.
“Why are you here?” I whispered.
“Dede–” he pleaded.
“Why are you trying to torment me?” I whined. “I am not going to continue this cycle of pain you have put me through over the years. You knew my feelings had grown deep, only a fool wouldn’t have noticed. And what did you do? You took it from me, you took advantage. Do you remember that night where you took advantage of me?”
