Page 107 of Crave Thy Neighbor

Why can’t I just tell Maya I love her? Why can’t I let go of all my reservations and be happy? Because I’m scared to end up like my father? Rotting away with a chip on my shoulder?

But isn’t that what I’m doing anyway by not ever letting myself be truly happy?

Dean takes a swig of his beer, then sighs, setting it back down on the counter with force. “You know, you’ve done some dumb shit over the years. Like the time you thought it would be funny to try to light a fart on fire and ended up setting your curtains on fire instead. Or the time we went on a double date at the carnival and you ate six hot dogs before getting on the Twister. You puked on yourself and on me, leading to us both getting dumped.”

“And I haven’t known you that long,” Cooper says, “but remember our Christmas dinner when you had a little too much to drink and decided to go swimming out in Lake Swanson and almost got hypothermia?”

“See? Some real stupid shit.” Dean shakes his head. “But you have never, ever done anything as dumb as letting Maya go.”

“You think I don’t fucking know that?” I growl. “You think I’m not aware of that?”

“Honestly, since you didn’t bother to show up to Sam’s birthday party, yeah, I was worried you didn’t realize just how big of a dick you are.”

The disgust and bile rise in my throat.

Dean sent me no less than ten texts when I didn’t show this past weekend.

But I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t face them.

“You being there meant a lot to him, and you couldn’t even be bothered to put your shit with Maya aside and show up for him.” He laughs sardonically. “You’ve spent a lot of time pushing away everyone who could ever hurt you so you don’t become your father, but did you ever consider that’s moot since you’re more like your mother than you realize?”

His words slam into my gut like a fist.

I abandoned Maya. I abandoned Sam.

I’ve abandoned everyone in my life when they got too close.

I was never in danger of becoming my father because I’ve always been my mother.

“Fuck!”

The scream hurls through my chest, echoing around the near-empty bar.

Donny’s wide eyes find us and a few heads turn our way, but nobody makes a move to see what’s the matter.

Cooper pats me on the back. “Let it out, man. Just let it all out. We all make mistakes. We all screw up at this love thing now and again.”

I hang my head between my shoulders, ready to puke for the second time tonight.

I don’t want to be my motherormy father.

All I want to be is Maya’s.

I just have to figure out how to make her see that too.

Every morning my alarm goes off, I lie there as long as I possibly can. Opening my eyes means facing the reality of an empty bed.

Maya has been gone for two weeks now, and I’ve been clutching the edge of survival for just as long.

My sleep is getting worse, but at least I’ve progressed to eating one meal a day. It’s all I can muster, but I’ll take the small victory.

I’m miserable as fuck, and I still don’t know how to fix it.

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to go about professing my love for someone when I’ve never been in love before. I’ve never even come close to it.

Can’t someone just write a book on this? That’d be so much easier. A nice how-to guide on groveling. I’d buy the shit out of that book.

“Yo, Brooks,” I hear over the noise of my welder as Jake taps me on the shoulder.

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