Page 6 of Loathe Thy Neighbor

“Leo isadorable.”

“He’s a turtle!”

“But—”

“An emotional support turtle!”

“Yes, but—”

“In a damn restaurant!”

Maya huffs. “You’re being a spoilsport.”

I glance back at Dean, who is now engaged in conversation with another customer about said turtle. They’re cooing at him like they would a baby. Leo’s eating up the attention because he’s as bad as his owner.

“He’s only doing it for attention.”

“Maybe the emotional support isn’t for him but for Leo? Did you ever think about that?”

“Did you ever think that’s the second most ludicrous thing to ever leave your facehole? Surpassed only by you telling me you can get Lyme disease by eating bad limes?”

“I saw it on Facebook!”

“Stay off Facebook!”

“But the drama…so addicting…” she murmurs. “Stop distracting me. We’re talking about actual, viable reasons for hating him.”

“He… He’s…”

“What?” She sits forward, brows raised, waiting for my response. “Attractive? Funny? Friendly? Good with kids? Has a steady job?”

“He steals my pie!”

She rolls her eyes again. “He does not.”

“Yes, he does. Intentionally. Every Sunday. It always happens.”

“You’re exaggerating.”

“I am not.”

“You sure about that?”

“I might be overstating it a bit, but you know I’m right about it happening often. We either get here too late and he’s already snagged it because it’s Sunday and the good pies always go fast on Sundays with people coming in and out after church taking them all—which is exactly why I want to meet early”—I give her a pointed look, and she shrugs sheepishly—“or he makes some futile excuse to trade whatever garbage he gets with Sam and your gullible little shithead buys it.”

“One, you can order without me.”

“I can’t. Then it’s not a true breakfast date. That’s you running into me when I already have my face stuffed full of pie.”

Ignoring me, she continues. “Two, there is no need for name-calling. Sam is not gullible.”

“He’s not? Because he believed he could get a fever from disco dancing on a Saturday night.”

“He did not. Besides, he’s just trying to be nice to his teacher—something you should be doing. Dean signed up to coach the football team this year, and your nephew likes football.”

“Your point? Sam isn’t my kid. I don’t have to kiss Dean’s ass for the sake of keeping the peace during the school year.”

“Huh. And here I thought youwantedto kiss Dean’s ass.”

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