Page 72 of Here's to Tomorrow

I do this several times until I’m able to focus. I blink, really looking at her for the first time. She has on a pair of those weird half-pants thing girls wear and a t-shirt. Her dark brown hair is pulled back in a bun and she just looks…well, confused right now.

I make sure to drink the sight of her in, afraid this may be the last time she wants to see me because of what’s about to happen.

“Hudson,” she says. This time I can hear her just fine. “Are you okay?”

“I…uh…well…” I stammer. I swallow loudly. “I kind of have something to tell you.”

She looks worried now. I would be too. She scrunches her brows even more. “Kind of or you do? Which one, Hudson?”

I can tell she’s getting irritated. I can’t blame her; I’m acting like a total fucking tool right now.

“I do. Idefinitelydo.” I glance back inside at Joey, making sure everything is okay. When I seeThe Lion King 2still has a firm grip on the kid’s attention, I turn back to Rae. “Can we talk outside maybe?”

“Um, I’d kind of rather not. I’d rather you just tell me what the fuck is going on?” It’s not a question, but it comes out as one.

My eyes widen and my entire body tenses, because I know—oh, boy, do I know—what’s coming next.

“Daddy, your friend said a bad word. Tell her she has to pay up,” Joey says, sticking her hand out from behind me. “It’s fifty cents, you know.”

Rae gasps, her hand flying to her chest. Her eyes are bigger than I’ve ever seen and her face is losing its color rapidly.

“Did she just… She… Daddy? Are you…” she starts. And restarts and restarts and restarts.

Then, she goes blank. I wave my hand in front of her face. Nada, nothing, zip. She doesn’t move or even blink.

“Joey, honey, back up, please. Daddy needs to bring his friend inside. I think she’s having an attack of some sort,” I tell my daughter, who is still standing directly behind me.

“Like when those ninjas attacked us at the dog park? That was insane!”

I smile because that was a fun day. Running around and pretending to fight ninjas with my kid was the highlight of my week.

“Kind of, only the ninjas are all in her head. You gonna help me get them out?” I ask, grabbing Rae and walking her inside. She’s doing nothing else but moving her feet. It’s a miracle she’s still upright at this point. “Let’s sit her down here,” I tell Joey, who’s holding Rae’s other side.

We gently push Rae down onto the couch, right in the middle. Joey sits on one side; I sit on the other.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried right now. I’m not just worried about Rae, who I know will snap out of it once the shock wears off, I’m worried for whatever future we have—or had. I mean, she plainly expressed her feelings about children last week. And Joey? Well, she’s my whole world. She’s it for me. If Rae can’t accept that—the hand life has dealt me—I’ll walk away in an instant.

“Dad? Can I poke her? Ya know, just to make sure she’s okay. I sawed it in a movie once. They were pokin’ a dead guy with a stick. Should I get a stick?” Joey says.

“First, what kind of stuff does Nana let you watch? Second, it’s ‘saw’, not ‘sawed’. Third, you can try, but no sticks.” I shrug, because I’m kind of curious to see if it’ll work.

Leave it to my fucking kid to poke Rae all right…smack dab in the middle of her forehead.

To my surprise, it works.

Rae flinches. “Did…did you just poke me? On the forehead?”

Joey looks to me, her eyes taking up about half her face. I nod at her, letting her know everything’s okay. She looks Rae right in the eyes.

“I did. You’re not dead,” Joey tells her.

“Well, that’s good to know,” Rae deadpans. She exhales loudly and turns to face me. I give her my trademark smirk. “Nope, don’t even try. You have a lot of explaining to do.”

I wince because she doesn’t sound even a little bit happy.

“Bug, can you go play with Rocky in my room for a bit? Daddy needs to talk with his friend.”

“No way. Not until you introduce me,” Rae says.

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