Page 37 of Here's to Tomorrow

I’m scared and screaming for help. I can see my savior; she just can’t hear me.

My mother’s standing on the edge of the water, not paying any attention as the waves slam into me again. I call out as my head bobs underwater and I push back through the swell.

It’s then I see a shadow of what looks like a kid running up next to her. He’s frantic and yelling, even I can hear it over the noise of the water, but I can’t make out what he’s saying.

My mother is still just standing there, starting off into the horizon, looking right over me as I struggle.

Then, I sink.

I have no idea what, if anything, happens next, because that’s always when I wake up drenched in sweat. The dream seems so unbelievably real. I feel the fear and heavy weight of the dream for days afterward, every time. It hangs heavy, like it’s something that’s actually happened, but I know that’s not possible, because surely I’d remember something like that…right?

I train my eyes on my dad. “It did. I hadn’t had one in eight months, but it started up again about three weeks ago. I have no idea what caused it to come back this time. Stress, maybe?”

I did some research online and found that stress can be a trigger. The dream itself is stressful, so maybe that’s all it is—my mind projecting real life into the dream. It just seems so weird that it’s coming back now because I don’t feelthatstressed.

Also, something feels different about this round. It feelsmorereal than normal, so real that I woke up three times last night before the kid even arrived. After the third time, I was done. I threw on a pair of shoes and drove out to Lake Quannapowitt, my thinking spot. I sat for an hour to watch the sunrise and came back home to sleep some more, which didn’t turn out so well since I woke up late.

My dad exhales loudly because he knows how much this affects me. “Yeah, that could be it. With your car breaking down, you getting sick, and now all these job applications, I’m sure you’re stressed out. Maybe take it easy for a while? You’re already pushing this whole moving-to-the-city thing pretty hard, and that can’t be helping out at all. Just take it easy. Besides, you’re not in that big of a hurry to move away from your old man, are you?”

I shake my head and answer honestly. “Well, no. Honestly, I’m not sure what exactly it is I want to do anymore. The more I keep tossing around the whole moving thing, the less appealing it sounds. I don’t even know how appealing marketing sounds. Maybe I just need a break from thinking.”

That was hard, admitting that out loud to my dad. I was so sure of this a few months back—hell, even a few weeks ago—but now I’m not.

Hudson helped me see that.

“Kiddo, if you’re worried about upsetting me, stop. Everything will figure itself out. I’m not rushing you to find something, so don’t rush yourself. Getting a job like this is a big deal. I want you someplace that makes you happy. I don’t want you to settle. You’re keeping your head afloat, that’s the important thing right now.”

“Yeah, yeah, what he said, but why didn’t you tell me about your nightmares, Rae? About your mixed feelings on moving? Marketing?” The hurt is clear in Haley’s voice, and she has every right to feel that way. I should have trusted her with it. She’s always been there for me, so there is no reason why I should have hidden it from her.

“You’re right. I should have told you, Hales. Everything has been so confusing lately, and I didn’t want to seem like a failure. Hell, Dad, I begged you for weeks to approve of the big move, and now I’m possibly flaking on it. The sad part is I didn’t even realize some of my feelings until the other day when Hudson talked with me about them.”

“Back up, who is Hudson?”

“Calm down, old man. He’s just a guy.”

“A guy she went on a blind date with. Thesameguy she was just out having coffee with,” Haley supplies, smirking at me—payback for not confiding in her, I guess.

“Rae?”

I sigh. “Yes, he’s a guy. Yes, I went on a date with him Friday. Yes, we met for coffee this morning, but it was abusinesscoffee date. He owns Jacked Up, the shop that fixed my car. He was looking to load up on the clientele and asked for a few marketing tips, so I put together a small folder of ideas and gave it to him this morning. Happy?” I begin inching my way toward the hallway that leads to our bedrooms and bathroom, purposely leaving out my upcoming date.

My dad huffs and concedes through gritted teeth. “Fine. You’re an adult now. Scurry along. We’re going for wings.”

I groan because I know that means we’re heading to Clyde’s. “Give me fifteen minutes.”

* * *

“What’s this? Family dinner and no one invited me? That’s messed up, Uncle Ted,” Perry teases my dad, taking a seat on the stool next to me and giving me a nudge. “Yo! What up, Waitress Rae? I’ll take a Dr. Pepper, please.”

I shove him hard. “I’m not working today, you jackass.”

Waitress Rae is his favorite thing to call me when he visits me at work. He says it’s like he’s talking to a whole new person when I’m there and he likes having “two versions” of me to choose from. He’s insane.

I love my cousin Perry like a brother. He’s like a best friend to me and practically lived at our house when we were kids since his mom, my dad’s sister, was in and out of the picture constantly. I love my Aunt Tessa, but she wasn’t the best mom. She had a habit of stepping out on her husband for months at a time. For some odd reason, Uncle Walker never left her. He always stayed and let her do whatever the hell she wanted. Because of this, he worked long hours to make sure all the bills were paid and that Perry had everything he ever needed. This resulted in Perry spending a lot of time at our house since his parents were rarely home.

Surprisingly enough, Perry has a great relationship with his dad. You’d think it would be strained because Walker was never home, but I think all it did was bring them closer. They clung to one another, and their relationship was solid. The one he had with his mother was almost nonexistent, though, especially since no one really knows where she is now.

As soon as Perry and I graduated college, Walker divorced Tessa—and when I say as soon as, I mean the moment we all gathered around for pictures, she was served the papers. After that, she bailed, and we haven’t heard from her in about three months.

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