Page 109 of Here's to Tomorrow

Holy shit.It’snota nightmare! It was real! My mother watched me drown. Sheletme drown.

Hudson saved me. I remember him clearly now—same dark hair, slightly longer and wet from the water. The look of panic on his face as he dragged me up the beach will be forever etched in my head now. Standing over me, he was drenched and breathing hard, and his eyes were still so beautiful. He watched as my dad cradled me in his arms. I remember him asking if I was okay, but it was so hard to hear him over my father’s crying.

The hardest part, though? Watching him walk away and silently begging for him to come back to me.

He did. Hefinallydid—but now I’m not sure he’s going to stick around.

I take off running and reach him as he’s dropping her onto the ground. I fall to my knees next to them, tears streaming down my face.

“She’s not fucking breathing! Goddammit, Rae! What have you done!” he yells, pumping furiously at her tiny, unmoving chest.

I watch helplessly as he continues to pump. I watch powerlessly as he breathes air into the one person in this world that means the most to him.

Then suddenly, miraculously, Joey coughs and sucks in a huge breath of air, reaching for Hudson in an instant.

“Daddy!” she cries as he holds her securely, tears rolling down his cheeks.

As she falls apart in her father’s arms, I sit there and watch, my heart snapping in two. She looks just like Hudson did—soaking wet, tears streaming down her face. She’s breaking right in front of me and all I want to do is reach out to her, but I can’t, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to again.

Hudson looks at me over her shoulder, tears streaking his face. “Shh. Shh. It’s okay, bug. You’re okay. Shh. Calm down, honey. Shh,” he whispers endlessly to Joey.

Thislook—the one on Hudson’s face right now—it replaces everything I saw as a kid. This is the look of a scared father, a broken man.

AndIdid that to him.

He slowly fades away from me because I know—I know—this is the end for us.

In that moment, my whole world falls apart.

* * *

I spring to my feet as Hudson comes walking back into the living room and over to stand in front of me.

“How is she?” I ask, wringing my hands.

“She’s exhausted. Confused. Asleep.” He sighs heavily and runs his hand down his face. “I’m not much in the mood to play nice right now, Rae, so I’m just going to cut straight to it. What the fuck happened out there? Why weren’t you watching her?”

He’s seething, and with good reason. I let him down. He trusted me with his most precious gift and I blew it.

“I… Shit. I honestly don’t know,” I tell him, biting my lip to keep from crying. I feel so ashamed right now. So embarrassed.

“Not good enough, Rae. I need more. Something. Anything.”

I sit back down and wipe away the single tear that’s managed to fall.

Breathe. In, out. In, out.

I start at the beginning.

“I’ve had this horrible recurring nightmare since I was seven. It’s always the same: I’m drowning in the ocean as my mother watches. I see a little boy. Then I sink. I wake up sweating every time at that point. Until today, I assumed it was a dream, but it’s not. It’s a memory,” I tell him. I see the moment it all clicks for him.

“I… You… I saved you.Youwere that little girl. Holy shit.” His eyes grow dark and he frowns as he drops his head into his hands.

“Today I had a flashback of sorts, only this time, I wasn’t me. I was my mother. Itriedto move. Iwantedto help Joey.” His head pops up at the mention of her name, and just like that, he’s back to being pissed. “But I couldn’t. Deep down I knew something was wrong about taking her out there on my own, but I couldn’t say no to her,” I say, choking on the last word. “I promise you, Hudson. I would never, ever want to hurt Joey—never want anything bad to happen to her. I am so,sosorry.”

He doesn’t say anything; he only stares at me.

“Hudson?” I say, reaching out to him. He jerks back and it hurts sofuckingbad. My tears fall harder. “I didn’t mean for anything to happen—you have to believe me. I love Joey. I loveyou. You have to understand that.”

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