Page 105 of Here's to Tomorrow

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Hudson

“Oh hell. I amsosorry, Rae. That’s… I can’t begin to imagine.”

I can’t put into words how her confession makes me feel. It’s a mixture of sorrow for what Rae lost and intense anger at her mother. I can understand her aversion to kids now.

“Thanks. It’s just hard sometimes around kids. I don’t understand the whole ‘a mother’s love’ thing. I never had any of that, you know? I don’t know how to act around them, how to express myself. I clam up, terrified I’m doing it wrong, worried as hell I’m going to make them feel the wayshemademefeel.”

“I understand, Rae, and I appreciate you trying with Joey.”

Rae beams. “She makes it easy. It’s impossible not to love her. While I’m glad Jess isn’t around considering how she was when you last saw her, I don’t understand how she doesn’t care about Joey. Blows my mind.”

“Word. So much word.”

She laughs. “So eloquent.”

I shoot her a look. “That’s rich coming from you.”

“Are we there yet?” Joey’s scratchy voice comes from the back.

“Close, bug. About ten more minutes.”

“Drive faster, Daddy.”

I roll my eyes at her. “So demanding.”

“Are you getting excited, Joey?” Rae asks, turning around to look at her.

“So very excited!”

“Me too,” I confess. “I haven’t been to the beach since the summer before Joey was born. We used to go all the time though, checking out different rentals with my grandparents to see which one they wanted to buy. Actually, I saved a random girl from drowning one year. Made me feel like a hero for weeks afterward.”

Rae scrunches her brows in a way that has me asking what’s going through her head.

“Oh, nothing,” she answers, but something is off. I don’t press it, because I know the conversation we had was draining for her.

“Hey, Daddy? I have to tell you something.”

Whatever it is, she has thatI didn’t mean totone to her voice.

“What’s up, bug?”

“I was fake sleeping for a while. I heard you talkin’ about Mommy. I miss her sometimes. All the kids at school talk about their moms. I tell them about Nana. Sometimes they laugh and say I don’t have a mom.”

I rub my chest, feeling the pain of her confession. “I’m sorry, bug.”

“I’m not. I love Nana. And you know what, Dad?”

“What?”

“I don’t need no mommy. I have you and Nana and Rae,” Joey says proudly. “Oh, and Uncle Tuck and Uncle G, but don’t tell them I almost forgot about them.”

My heart doesn’t hurt anymore. It soars.

She knows she doesn’t need approval or love from a woman who isn’t in her life. Even at her young age, she understands the love she gets from everyone else is enough, is just as good.

“Good, Joe. That’s good.”

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