Page 97 of Can't Text This

Python:Monty, I am hungry right now, but not for food. Make it quick.

Me:I’m coming, I’m coming.

Python:You will be.

* * *

Python:DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT

Me:Are those what I think they are?

Python:You tell me. They came off your ass.

Python:Which, by the way, is my favorite ass in all the land.

Me:*rolls eyes* You’re just saying that to try to get lucky again.

Python:Geez, all about the sex with you, huh, Monts?

Me:Robert…

Python:What? *blinks innocently*

Me:Innocent my butt.

Python:Mmm, dat ass though.

Me:Did you just “mmm” my butt?

Python:Yes, I did, AND I AM NOT ASHAMED.

Me:OH NO. I just realized something. What if Thumbelina was running around and accidentally ate my panties? That would have been HORRIBLE!

Python:I got you one better: what if MY SON had found them?

Me:Oh. OH. Oh my. I feel sick.

Python:You should, you sex-crazed vixen.

Me:ROBBIE! I AM SERIOUS!

Python:I AM TOO!

Python:Seriously, though, it’s okay. He won’t be here for another few days so he wouldn’t have found them. I DO clean my apartment, you know.

Me:I know, I know. I just worry.

Me:Wait, your son…OMC, you’re a father!

Python:Yes, yes. We’ve established that.

Me:No! I mean, what are we going to do about that?

Python:Oh. Um…well, fuck. I don’t know, actually. I’ve never had to introduce him to anyone before.

Python:I mean, not to jump ahead or anything, because we’re just banging…but, you know, just in case. We should probably discuss this further. Over drinks. And sex. Lots and lots of sex.

Me:Who’s the crazed sex vixen now?

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