Page 50 of Can't Text This

Me:You JUST saw me yesterday.

Python:I know, but I wasn’t properly prepared for that. I wasn’t on my A game.

Me:THAT wasn’t your A game?

Python:Fuck no. That was like B minus game at best.

Me:Is it sad to admit I’m now a little afraid to see what your A game is?

Python:There’s no reason to be afraid of the python, Monty. ??

Me:I swear, you have the biggest ego of anyone ever.

Python:Not true. Zach is 100 times worse than I am.

Me:I don’t even know how that’s possible.

Python:Trust me, it is.

Me:I’ll take your word for it.

Me:Though now I REALLY feel like I need to meet this Zach character. He has goats, a giant ego, and says weird things—seems like an interesting guy.

Python:He’s not. Horrible. Worst best friend ever. And ugly to boot.

Me:So you’re madly in love with him then?

Python:Obviously.

Python:He’s kind of amazing. He’s the reason I didn’t completely fall on my ass when I got Holly pregnant. We’d only been friends for a short amount of time, but he was right there with me for everything. Now I can’t get rid of the guy.

Me:I can feel the love through your words.

Me:I promise to never tell him how much you love him.

Python:Good, good. We don’t want rumors flying around that I have feelings and stuff. That’s gross.

Me:Oh stop it. I have a feeling you’re one of those guys who just looks huge and scary but you’re really the biggest teddy bear there is.

Me:I feel like I should change your name in my phone now.

Python:To what? Teddy bear?

Python:WAIT! What do you have my name as now?

Me:Umm…no comment.

Python:No, no, no. You HAVE to tell me now. Them’s the rules.

Me:Are you going to laugh at me?

Python:Yes.

Me:It’s Python.

Python:ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

Python:Proof. I need proof.

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