Page 30 of Can't Text This

Me:Just frustrated by a coworker.

Python:I thought you hadn’t started work yet.

Me:I haven’t. I’m here decorating.

Me:Anyway, he keeps asking me out for drinks and stuff. Normally, I’d go but…

Python:But you’re busy making banging plans with a hot-as-fuck, tattooed single dad, right?

Me:Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Me:No. I’d love to make a friend, but he doesn’t want to be just friends. He wants more and I’m not into that…not into him.

Python:Then tell him that.

Me:I have! Several times!

Python:How? Men are real fucking stupid and sometimes we need shit SPELLED THE FUCK OUT for us.

Me:I’ve turned him down every single time.

Python:Something tells me that while that may be true, it’s only partially true.

Me:Wait, what?

Python:Listen, Monty, you’re a sweet girl, super fucking sexy in a girl-next-door kinda way, but that’s just it—you’re sweet. I bet when you turn him down you say, “Not tonight. Maybe next time.” Huh? That’s what you say, right?

Me:Oh cats. Yes, it is.

Me:Is this all my fault then?

Python:First, “Oh cats”? Really? You don’t even say hell?

Python:Second, no. The dude is a fucking idiot for not taking the hint, but next time be firm.

Python:Tell him about the hot, VERY muscled, big-cocked guy you’re gonna be banging soon. That’ll chase him away.

Python:Still there, Monty?

Me:Is it possible to die from rolling your eyes so hard?

Python:You texted back, so apparently not.

* * *

Me:You know what I just realized? You never elaborated on the whole “the night we met” story of yours.

Python:Because you just had to go and make it all about you.

Python:Kidding. And no, I didn’t, huh?

Me:Well?

Python:I was wondering why it was ME you went into the bathroom with. I mean, out of all the dudes in Lola’s, why me? And don’t say I was the first to approach you. That’s bullshit, and if it isn’t bullshit, your standards are extremely low and we need to have a chat about that.

Me:No, you weren’t the first to approach me. You just had the best opening.

Python:I think you’re the one with the best opening. ??

---