Page 82 of We Are the Stars

I nod again.

“Fish told me to run if you ever scared me, and I promised him I would.”

I knew this was coming.

“I want to start by telling you I’m not angry at you. Yeah, I was scared last night, terrified even, because the person I saw in that restaurant wasn’t the same guy who called ahead to make sure they had my nacho cheese. He wasn’t the same guy who pressed me up against a tree and kissed the hell out of me only a half hour earlier. He was the Carsen I first met. He was so full of rage, but then I got to know him better and he wasn’t as angry as he first seemed. A little misunderstood is all. He viewed everyone as the enemy and he needed to learn that not everyone was, and he did.”

Was I that bad merely two months ago? Has that much truly changed in such a small amount of time?

When I’m with Elliott, I’m happy. I’m able to relax and be myself around her. She doesn’t judge me for what my father did, and that’s all I can ask for. Plus, I laugh with her.

But I know for a fact that the happiness doesn’t last. It wears off and leaves me feeling emptier than before.

I’m aware it’s a horrible way to live, to cope, but it’s all I have.

“Since then, the pain in his eyes eases just the slightest some days. Others, it doesn’t at all. He talks often of a darkness lurking inside him, like a sleeping dragon waiting to wake, but I never saw it.”

She pauses, and I can feel her gaze burning me like a thousand suns. Even though I’m scared, I meet her stare.

“Until last night, Carsen,” she says. “Until he unleashed the shadows that caged him. Until he relentlessly pounded and beat someone. Until he was so lost in his wrath that he hurtme. I never saw it until then.”

I want to wish this moment away, wish last night away. I want to start over, because the ache in her eyes is fucking killing me.

“Elliott, I’m… Shit, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to… The anger, it came pouring out. I couldn’t stop it, couldn’t control it. If I could take it all back, I would.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“What? Why? I—”

“I know what you did, Carsen. I was there. I saw it all. I watched everything unfold from an angle you didn’t have. Your rage, yourdarkness,it’s not you, but rather something you harbor, and I think it’s because you haven’t properly dealt with your anger toward your father.”

“I did the therapy shit. I moved on. I don’t want to spend another minute of my life thinking about that sick fucker.”

“The ‘therapy’ shit? Sounds like you took that real seriously.”

“I…” The words die as I realize her sarcasm is on point.

Ididn’ttake it seriously. In fact, I went for only two sessions and then bailed, deeming myself over it. The truth is, I’mnotover it, and it’s not solely about my mother’s death. I’m not over the fact that my father had that in him, not over the fact that I lost him too. I never dealt with it. Hell, I never truly dealt with any of it.

“Okay,” I tell her.

“Okay?”

“Yeah.” I shrug. “I see where you’re coming from.”

“I… Yeah, okay.”

Elliott stands and comes to sit next to me. Her arm brushes mine. We haven’t said goodbye yet, but I know it’s coming, and I already miss the feel of her.

We sit side by side in silence, watching the clouds gently float by. Birds call out to one another and trees rustle in the wind.

She’s right; it is peaceful out here.

I only wish this space wasn’t about to be tainted with this painful memory.

“We have to stop whatever it is we’re doing. There are things we need to work on apart from one another. This won’t go anywhere if we’re both…well, stuck. Ifweare ever going to move forward, weeachneed to move forward, ya know? We can’t move together if we’re working against ourselves.”

“I woke up this morning knowing I’d have to pay the consequences for what happened last night. I mean, I really knew, but fuck, it sucks.”

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